Are you the kind of parent you wanted to be?

[stickybeaker]

I certainly am not. DD is one and every day I think I'm not cut out for it. She drives me insane and I'm really noticing that I'm not really enjoying her. She just seems to be a real 'madam' and spends alot of time whinging.

I'm so fed up. I have actually left the room today whilst she was screaming about nothing as I'm worried I'm going to hurt her. Oh and I have been screaming into pillows. I have been at home with her all week but normally work 3 days, and we have been stuck in becuase of the snow but I am just so p*ssed off.

Everything from nappy changes to getting in the pushchair seems to be accompanied by tears (hers not mine...yet).

I seem to always be thinking 'when she's doing x it'll get easier'... like crawling/walking etc and it just seems to get harder and harder.

I had been on antidepressants after breaking my finger punching the floor in frustration last year but they finished and I didn't bother going back for more. I don't really want to be on medication, I want to be able to cope.

Not sure if there's an answer but if anyone has some techniques for dealing with either stroppy toddler or my insanity I'd be glad to hear about it!

Was planning to add that now DS is 3.5, I can't quite believe how mad the first year 18 months were. He started to become more reasonable as he approached 2, you could negotiate, and strike deals, distratct etc much more successfully, in short bribe. I@m onloy now finally thinking I could do it all again, but it's taken a long time.

Didn't help that he never slept through until post 2 of course ...

How old are your DC Fleur? I think part of my problem is that when my DD is awake she needs 100% of my attention just to stay safe and out of trouble.

I know what you mean about envying women that seem to be so serene. I know someone like this who is actually quite elderly now and I just want to sit and absorb her serenity and wisdom.

mrsgboring, that's a fabulous tip and one that is going to get made use of in endless other situations. I love it. However I suspect your ability to see the funny side (not Pollyanna, much better than that) is actually what was underlyingly keeping you afloat.

Stickybeaker, can you see the funny side of things (ever, or at least sometimes)? Because, if not - well you might want to have another word with your gp about anti-Ds, really.

No I am not.

I had completely unrealistic ideas about parenting before reality bit me hard. I had all the cloth nappies washed and folded in the chest of drawers; foolish ideas about how I would wean my child and NEVER let them become "fussy". I would not shout, or yell or stomp. No TV. Lots of reading and exploring the world in a calm and perky fashion...you get the picture.

I got the screamy baby who never settled. I was the one who paced and cried at post-natal group. My DS was in disposables from day 1 and never ever left until potty trained (with the aid of chocolate buttons). I had PND and did alot of irrational shouting and screaming and will always always worry about the effect of that on my beautiful boy.

BUT DS (now 3.7) and we tell each other we love each other ALL the time. We cuddle and giggle and much of the time I am truly happy in his company. My parents were very detached. I was determined to demonstrate my love for my DC before I had DS and am proud that I can and do.

And it must get better - am 24 weeks pg and although I am dreading year 1, I know it will be worth it.

Just so long as there is work/friends/wine/mumsnet!

Lovely post RR. I prey for the cuddly days!

Bink - yes I do the see the funny side of things when my DH is there or after the event, but at the time I just want to do something violent.

No, but have ridiculously high standards so am not the type of anything I wanted to be.

No. I have moments when i'm awful, dd (2.11) has irritated me to my core and i do end up screaming at her. Then i feel extraordinary guilty because i remember how tiny and young and vulnerable she still is and what a gallumphing bully i must seem.

But i do have some moments where i think 'yep i'm getting it right'. Only they never last and i'm naturally predisposed to focus on the negative.

sticky I can really empathise with the boiling rage.

It's dreadful and comes so quickly and is so ferocious.

Some things that may help:

1. Forgive yourself for the rages - your daughter needs you to do that.

1. Start a little diary to try and work out what triggers it.

1. Try to walk away and breath for a minute.

1. Slow down a bit. It doesn't matter if you don't get the nappy on in 2 minutes. In fact, bollocks to it, leave the nappy off for a bit.

1. If you can't see the funny side of SOME of it - go back to your GP and take AD's. There is no reason not to and you know that they work.

1. Get a referral for some CBT or other counselling, or go private if you can afford it.

Bits of all these things helped me SOMETIMES. But in the end it is just time.

I feel for you - it's a tough tough time. Cuddly days just around the corner though...

Sticky - no one tells you before you have children how hideously mind-numbingly dull and grim it is (perhaps because no one would have em?). But it does get better and better from three onwards, really quite civilised at four. For the first years, just go out ALL the time, to every group, reading thing athe library, music group etc then the babies stare at each other while you talk to the parents and beg them to meet up with you again after lunch. It's the only way to get through it.

IT is so hard when they are toddlers and can't express themselves, and keep trying to do stuff they can't physically manage, so get frustrated. It does get better when they#re slightly older and when you can get out of the house more. Spring will be here soon, and this will seem so long ago.

Really glad about the funny side, stickybeaker - it's so important! Also it sounds like you've got a supportive nice dh.

Next tack, suggested by what you said: Do you think it might be something about isolation? Would it help if you made definite regular plans so that you aren't alone? I realise you're not alone with her that much, but some of us (not me) are better solo with children and others of us (me) have a much nicer time with our children when we're ahem "sharing" them a bit. And getting some adult companionship, even if you never get to finish a sentence.

I realized this week I really need to go back to work. I have turned into Barbara Woodhouse with my 2 year old DD - STOP! SIT DOWN!! NO!

So, no, I am not the parent I thought I would be, as I never wanted to be an animal trainer.

stickybeaker, how easy or difficult your child is makes a huge difference to how easy you find motherhood, especially in the early days. I have dcs who are unsettled and contrary as babies. It was a nightmare.

I also have friends who had easy first babies had to concede that they had no idea what hit them when their second wasn't as chilled.

It will get better as your dd gets older - it may happen too slowly for you to notice but slowly imperceptibly it will - perhaps once your dd is 3.

I cannot think about a fate worse than to be stuck with my dcs indoors as babies. Think about when you are able to go back to 3 days at work and this as a temporary blip. Enforced breaks will restore your wellbeing as your dd's mother.

How old is your dd stickybeaker? I hated all the baby stuff. Not interesting and really hard work. Lot easier now ds is older and at school.

Not really - I didn't want to shout at DS, I didn't want to lose my rag when he doesn't do what I want, I wanted to spend ages every day with him helping his brain develop.

I shout, he doesn't listen (he laughs at me, he's only 14mo fgs!). I have had to tap his hand away from things he is about to either hurt himself on or destroy. I put him in front of the tv sometimes so that he can be left on his own for a while without wailing.

But I love him so much and give him lots of love and cuddles and hope that he forgives me the rest.

We mostly do what we can and our kids mostly survive and thrive on it. Hey, I wanted to BF partly as a 'Look how uninhibited and righteous mummy I am' thing - and then couldn't. And DS watches quite a lot of telly.
But he is happy and healthy and allegedly extra clever too - given assorted horrid ideas of childrearing in the past that children survived (mostly) and thrived on - You do what you can and they mostly do all right.

I am happy with the kind of Mum I am now, I did go through a very shouty, short tempered stage (ok it lasted about 8yrs), I didn't have much patience or tolerance and got ratty when they mucked about with each other. Had quite bad PND for a while too.

Now I do find it easier to sit back and let them muck about with each other, they do get on very well and given 10 mins they normally sort themselves out. I find it easier to find joy in watching or listening to them play rather than tensing up at every shout.

So agree it does get easier and my children tell me they love me so I must be doing something right.

2 out of my 3 have been/are challenging kids - never sleep, argue, whine etc. The other one has SN!

I was always SO jealous of mums with chilled babies. But you know, now the two older ones are bigger I can see that those chilled babies are often quite boring kids, and I really do think that my kids and other challenging/energetic ones that I know are by far the best kind.

Its hard though. Hang in there.

Thanks everyone - Blueshoes I do work 3 days already. I had booked annual leave, but didn't anticipate being stuck inside with the snow this week.

It is dawning on me that alot of our 'problems' are caused by me being unrealistic, and DD getting frustrated at stuff she wants to do but can't.

I had a friend over this week who doesn't have children but is going to start trying once she's married next month. In anticiaption of her coming and 'judging' me I cleaned the whole house to make it seem like I was managing. Not sure why I bothered really but she did make a comment about how our house wasn't 'kiddified'. So I was being judged on my performance, but not really sure why I should care either way, and that she'll find out soon enough anyway!

I do really appreciate everyone's input. Just knowing other people feel this way is a huge help.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself.

The last week has been hard for a lot of us especially with really young kids.

You were faced with a situation which was not the norm, you are used to working so ok you booked the time off but it's a much harder job to stay in and entertain lo's than it is when you can go out and do stuff even I found it tough going and I'm a childminder, used to having lot's of children, I didn't even have as many children as I do usually because of the snow and I still found it tough finding things to occupy the 21mth old I was caring for, one because he is at that age where he wants to touch everything he knows he shouldn't and 2 because I wasn't used to being in all day with him. Friday when thing's were back to normal we had a great day and he was really well behaved.

stickybeaker

I feel there is a difference between the type of parent you think you will be and the one you want to be. There are somethings I do for my children that I think I do well at and funnily enough these usually involve things I didn't have (clothes that fitted, toys, books, food) and I love them. Most important.

But I am not handson with them as much as I should be. I am determined that I am heading for a new start and I am going to try really hard to do more with them.

The state of the house will wait. Their childhood won't.

I found the first 4 months really really really really hard as DS was a month early, bfing died a death after 2 months and terrible colic kicked in at a month old. he just seemed to scream all night every night for a long time and I found I was just soooo tired. He's 10 months now and crawling, babbling and sitting up and is a delight. i am loving it and have been since the screaming stopped. But I have to say i found things so much easier once he was about 4-5 months old and a bit more responsive/alert. I found the newborn stage very very hard and although I'd like another one, the newborn stage scares me quite a bit.
But I think on the whole we are far far too hard on ourselves.
I wholeheartedly agree with whoever said about turning the ideas round pollyanna, style as I think we are far too quick to be down on ourselves. I've just ordered a book called something like what mothers do when it looks like they are doing nothing...sounds like the same idea.

macaco - that book you mention is WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! it's by Naomi Stadlen. Read it, pass it around to all of your friends and spread the word!

no and i feel like crying about it.
i love dd to bits and am pretty much always with her by choice. i have only left her twice in 19 months and never overnight.
i have always wanted a baby and wanted to do everything right, i think i had way too high expectations and feel like a failure all the time.
i did bf for 18 months but then felt like a failure for stopping.
i take her to lots of classes and she is developing very well but she never gives me a seconds peace unless she is asleep and at night she wakes up 3 or 4 times.
i get frustrated when she won't get on with her breakfast, i don't know why?
i get annoyed every morning when she keeps running round while i'm trying to dress her.
i shout at her when she keeps doing stuff she shouldn't.
she drives me mad and i scream sometimes

I am more or less the kind of parent I wanted and expected to be.

I was completely until my second child was born. Now I understand why my Mum did the some of the things I didn't particularly appreciate and intended to avoid.

Like half-listening for example

And I understand why she was driven to shouting alot. I think the reason I manage to do it alot less than she did is because I have one less child and their father is a lot more present and involved than my Dad was.