Are you the kind of parent you wanted to be?

[stickybeaker]

I certainly am not. DD is one and every day I think I'm not cut out for it. She drives me insane and I'm really noticing that I'm not really enjoying her. She just seems to be a real 'madam' and spends alot of time whinging.

I'm so fed up. I have actually left the room today whilst she was screaming about nothing as I'm worried I'm going to hurt her. Oh and I have been screaming into pillows. I have been at home with her all week but normally work 3 days, and we have been stuck in becuase of the snow but I am just so p*ssed off.

Everything from nappy changes to getting in the pushchair seems to be accompanied by tears (hers not mine...yet).

I seem to always be thinking 'when she's doing x it'll get easier'... like crawling/walking etc and it just seems to get harder and harder.

I had been on antidepressants after breaking my finger punching the floor in frustration last year but they finished and I didn't bother going back for more. I don't really want to be on medication, I want to be able to cope.

Not sure if there's an answer but if anyone has some techniques for dealing with either stroppy toddler or my insanity I'd be glad to hear about it!

I am far more shouty a parent than I would like to be. But I am popular beyond my wildest dreams with my dcs. So I must be doing other things right. I guess I am just keepin' it real

Oh dear god NO!!!! I pictured myself being some earth mother who bf exclusivley had a serene happy and blissful look on my face. In reality I hated breast feeding and after 12 stressful weeks gave up and the only way I look serene is if I pile on the makeup. It wasn't untill I threw away all of the parenting books and stopped trying to be what I thought I should be that I started to enjoy it.

Not at all, sadly. I had visions of lots of family trips, picnics, days at the museum, the TV never on, all of us enjoying each others company and evenings playing board games.

My DC do seem to like me, which I guess is a start, but most of the time I'm knackered trying to juggle 3 kids and a p/t job with no family help. We don't spend nearly as much time together as a family, and when we do the oldest 2 (11 and 9) fight, whinge and moan that it's not the happy time I'd hoped for.

To answer the title rather than respond to OP's situation ...

I had completely no idea of what kind of parent I might be: I occasionally had a sort of ghostly sense of talking to someone little and future, but that's all. I think that made the very early bits (what you do with a newborn, how you manage not to feel isolated & lost) more difficult than they should have been; but made the subsequent bits easier. There was nothing to 'fail' against.

Also, as they get older, they turn into such precisely different, one-of-a-kind personalities that you can only work it by finding how your personality and their personality interact - which is a completely unique chemical composition each time. So any preconceptions, pre-planning bits, fall entirely away and you just deal with who They are and who You are. Which is nice.

I think that parenting books aren't always helpul as the ones I've read seem to set out unachievable rules & results.

I don't think I know anyone really who is what they thought they'd like to be. But then maybe that's true about everything in life, not just children.

I am not and I hate it mostly. My two are now 4 + 5 and I keep waiting for these golden moments of motherhood to wash over me. But they don't and I'm getting steadily more glum about it. They constantly vie for my attention and although they are adorable, loving kids I shout constantly at them.

They go and brush their teeth and take too long. They faff about getting clothes on, they play, they fight, they tickle each other, they whinge, they whine. They sit really nicely throughout an entire lunch and then when I ask them to wait whilst I pay the bill, they start running around and I lose the plot. I'm sick and tired of it and then I feel like shite because they are just kids and I'm not cut out for parenting on these hours (SAHM). I seeth with resentment because I don't have the life I had before.

I'm having a crap few days with no respite so forgive the rant.

I started out as the archetypal earth mother and now, 12 years and 3 children in, I am utterly different. I think I have developed a much more balanced life where children are a big part of it but I'm working on my own career too and thinking of the time where they won't need me any more. I've become much more flexible re. them having lots of what they want, balanced with what's good for them.

I think the pressure on mothers to be all and everything to their children is creating a generation of deeply unhappy mums.

This thread makes me sad. I can identify with such a lot of it. Why do we have these unrealistic expectations of what its going to be like? My kids have never been easy. Some other people seem to have it much easier. I agree with Janni that I get more flexible and beat myself up less as they all get older. But its hard.

Janni - I agree. Where did these perceptions come from? It just seems that whatever our choices in life are, we're damned if we do (have children/don't have children/have a career/be a SAHM) and we're damned if we don't.

Although maybe there are a herd of mothers out there who are having far too much fulfilling fun to sit on t'internet with us?

I sometimes think about my life pre child and husband, and I know I wasn't significantly happier. It was a goal of mine to settle down and have children after having a crazy time in my twenties.

My DH and I have had a good row 'sort out' this weekend, and I'm going to start exercising someome else's horse again this weekend which is marvellous. Actually the horse is a little bugger, but the thought of a few hours to myself whilst I do something I'm good at and enjoy is enough to light up my week.

Maybe today we can all give ourselves a pat on the back for the smallest achievements?

... Either that or stick our heads in the oven

What I have also become aware of is having a good, supportive family network to help you through it all - something which we don't have, sadly. I look with envy at other friends who have parents and their extended family around to help share the burden, and to step in and give them some time to themselves. I can only imagine how lovely it would be to have a night to yourself once a week whilst the kids are at their grandparents!

It's the relentlessness of it all that gets me down - my life is like groundhog day.

Pretty much, yes. Most of the time I feel like i'm on track and I know what i'm doing is right. But of course there are times when I snap at my baby, or my mother's words come out of my mouth, or I have an argument with my partner accross the baby, or push a screaming child along in a buggy... and I think to myself, I never wanted to be that mum. I think it's important to just accept that i'm human and no-one does this perfectly. We're all trying our best because we love our children and we can't do any more than that.

Yes, but it needs to be said that I have fairly low standards.

I have also been fortunate enough to be financially secure and to have a loving helpful family. My husband is also very involved and hands on with our son and we got an easy kid.

It helps that we are both very relaxed people generally so that kind of flows over.

All my working life has been spent looking after other people's children. I can't stress enough how long it took me to accept that being a Nanny is not the same as 24/7 mother.
I did a fab job with my charges, but do I do the same fab job as with my own now I am a SAHM?.. No, I don't think so I did start to think once I could never ever work with children again because my parenting of my own seems inferior.. but these are unhelpful thoughts and really I am trying to just do the best I can, even with my Mummy flaws

No, I wnted to be one of those yummy Mummy's with perfect hair and slim figure.

I alo wanted ot be calm, happy and loads of fun, unfortunately I find myself being cross, grumpy and no fun.

I really didn't realise it was this hard!