Is me being a stay at home mum my problem or other working mums problem ?

[Karen36]

Hi everyone, I'm new to mum's net and wondered if there are other "stay at home mums" (or whatever title you like) out there who find that "non stay at home mums" look at you with a funny expression when you say that you are not currently out working. As if I either have something stuck in my teeth or am severly lacking something in my life?

welcome to MN Karen.

If you search the site you will find there are countless "discussions" on SAHM v WOHM issues, not all of them pretty

You may want to post on a less sensitive subject if you are new. I have the feeling people are a bit fed up of the same old arguments.

Then again, you are of course perfectly free to post whatever the hell you like so go for it

Are you sure you don't have something stuck in your teeth?

If you think that every single WOHM you meet looks at you in disdain then I'm inclined to think you're over-analysing it. Because a fair few of them will be thinking "I wish I could do that" (and another segment will be wondering what's for dinner tonight, and several will be thinking about George Clooney). My mother used to read all manner of stuff into my expression and then tell me off for it, and that still winds me up...

Totally agree with port and lemon. Mums who work haven't got the time to ponder other people's choices.

yes. when i was asked if i was going back to work when my daughter was about 10 months old and i replied that i wasnt one working mother actually sneered at me "well lucky for some!" and then turned her back on me!

my friend (who works by the way) who was there with her baby was horrified at this womans attitude

and don't get me started on the sunday times, if i read one more article in there (india knight) about how much more fulfilled families are where the mum works and how sahms are pretty much just bovine i will scream!

it amazes me how judgemental some people are

tbh im a sahm and i have never noticed anyone have any opinion on it at all. i have done both, went back to work when dd was about 6 months, nobody made any comment on that either. are people really that bothered by what everyone else does? i know that i'm not.

I think you are over sensitive.

Welcome to mumsnet.

Next time, say 'I'm not working but I used to be a .....' - it's more of a conversation starter.

thats a rather sniffy response ladycorny

I actually don't have any problem with my working mum friends. I keep them in the loop with 'school gate' gossip and am happy to provide cover if child care arrangments fail. However, most of my friends are SAHM or (very) part time workers and we all had good careers until dcs came along. I recently went to a party where all the other women were working mums. The women were fine - the men somewhat uneasy. They actually asked dh why he had 'let me' give up work!!!! Like it might be catching...

Yes wilko, I do have a bit of a cold today.

hi karen welcome to mn. for what it's worth, i ould probably afford to survive on my dh's wages but it would be tight so i choose to work, full time. i think you will find in real life, as on here, some people have v. strong opinions on matters that, when all said and done, have f all to do with them! Your choice is your choice, don't ever feel the need to justify themselves (and to be honest, no matter what side you're on, through neccesity or choice, sometimes we all secretly wish for the opposite!)

I have had a whole range of responses from "oh lucky you" "lady of leisure" "well I suppose you can't work with 3" "oh I couldn't SAH I would go mad in about a week" "isn't it boring"

Opinion very much divided some women I think wish they were SAHMs and have the guilts some are more than happy to be WOHMs. Whatever floats your boat really.

I can't speak for the working parents you are talking about but personally I have no opinion of SAHMs. They make their choices, I make mine (not that there was much choice involved).

I think you may be misreading their behaviour. IME wohms don't have an opinion either way of those SAHMs they know.

Commenting usually means that you have disclosed that you're either working outside home or SAHM. Either way, I avoid the whole, 'what do you do' question.

I am a WOHM and certainly don't look at any SAHM's with a funny expression. I do feel I get funny expressions from people (usually ladies of a certain age) who obviously feel I should be a SAHM, and/or badly disguised expressions of relief when I say I work at home and part time - 'Oh I see' normally follows, in a 'well that's ok then' tone of voice.

I also have a SAHM friend who clearly feels the need to justify/defend her decision to all and sundry, which is a shame, and not actually necessary at all.

We all have our insecurities about the decisions we've made, and no doubt some of that involves projecting opinions on to others who may not have given the subject a second thought.

i think i work harder as a full time mum than i ever did as when i was young free and single and out at work. at least then i could go to the toilet by myself and have a name rather than being called so and so's mum. i enjoy being at home taking them to school and being able to watch there school asemblys.ds1 was so excited that i was going to watch him in his school assembly that i don't think i could ever pay for that through work.

Actually as I work mostly from home I'm not technically a WOHM am I? That's just a location thing though.

This works both ways, you can feel judged if you work full time or are at home. The secret is not to give a flying f* what anyone else thinks - you're doing your thing for your reasons, they're doing theirs. No one really cares that much. If people make smart remarks it's usually because they are jealous. Ignore and enjoy your life.

callalillies - I've had that too. Classic was old lady neighbour when she was told I was expecting again. "Another child for someone else to bring up"

I've worked full -time, been a sahm, currently work part-time. The only nasty comment I have ever had was from a person who generally is quite judgemental about everyone anyway. ('I don't know why people bother having children if they aren't going to look after them themselves' - said to me when I was ft - nice!) Most people really aren't that bothered what everyone else gets up to.

They don't feel the need to hold back do they Orm?!

Kbear is right.

Times when I've been full time sahm I've felt guilty for having free time. Then I felt guilty and upset for working too long hours when another mum made a comment about me missing ds.
Just need to enjoy what you're doing and try to do right thing for your circumstances. And ignore orrible people.

hi karen36, i am a sahm, we live in quite a deprived area and i find people tend to assume i have never worked and i'm a scrounger, as it happens i chose to be a sahm and gave up a job i loved to do so. i have also sat at playgroups with people who know i'm a sahm, with them all discussing how they don't know what they would do all day if they didn't have a job and how they would be bored and have no social life.
i couldn't give a shit as my life my choice.

Someone I used to work with thought all societies problems were due to working mums. He was one of the 'why have children if you can't be bothered to look after them' brigade. I've worked full-time since ds was 6 months old & me, dh & ds are all happy which is all that matters to me. Personally I would find it intensely boring to be a sahm but that doesn't mean I think sahm are all brainless & dull. It always interests me that on MN sahm seem to feel most judged yet RL attitudes I've come across are much more against working mums.

people who are inclined to do "funny expressions" will do them regardless of what choice you make, they're just that type.

I don;t get offended when someone looks at me a bit funny mostly because I dolt trust my interpretation of "funny" faces. Would not be able to separate indigestion from disapproval.