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Parenting

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Original poster

Is me being a stay at home mum my problem or other working mums problem ?

61 replies

Karen36 · 04/02/2009 13:52

Hi everyone, I'm new to mum's net and wondered if there are other "stay at home mums" (or whatever title you like) out there who find that "non stay at home mums" look at you with a funny expression when you say that you are not currently out working. As if I either have something stuck in my teeth or am severly lacking something in my life?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Gateau · 04/02/2009 14:31

I think some SAHMs are a bit defensive about being exactly that: SAHMS - and read things that simply aren't there.

ForeverOptimistic · 04/02/2009 14:47

It works both ways. I am a SAHM and I have had people look down on me and make negative comments. Some assume that I must be too thick or too lazy to get a job.

On the other hand, I am job hunting at the moment and I have received even more hurtful comments from SAHM's and people who don't approve of working mothers. God forbid that I should actually want a career again. Apparantly because I am a mother I should only work for "pin money" as having a career is selfish.

Women are their own worst enemies. I have never received any negative comments from men.

Gateau · 04/02/2009 14:50

I hope you ignore them Forever. Wjay re they so concerned abotu what you do, anyway? Or their lives that dull?
I actually think more SAHMs look down on WOHMs than the other way round - if you let them, that is!

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showmeyourpuku · 04/02/2009 14:57

I work part-time and my Dh is a SAHD (but not sad one- he he, lame I know), I wish dearly to swap but I get paid a whole lot more so our kids get 1 and a half parents instead of 1! He gets a lot of wierd looks when he tells other people - more from women than men, although sometimes it turns out that the men are jealous because they think he's having a holiday!

helsbels4 · 04/02/2009 14:58

A good friend of mine occasionally makes a comment to me about being a sahm while she has to go out to work but I just let it wash over me. Funnily enough, she's always very grateful when I offer to look after her child during the holidays etc! Live and let live, I say!

stillstanding · 04/02/2009 15:01

Ummmm ... surely the answer is it's no one's problem per se.

Do what you wanna/gotta do. Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks? Make the choice that's right for you and everyone (including OP) should stop navelgazing.

ForeverOptimistic · 04/02/2009 15:02

Oh I ignore them all right. I have grown incredibly thick skin since having children.

I just find it really odd that people feel the need to comment on the way other people live.

The negative comments that I have had from WOHM tend to have come from people who are either defensive of their own choices so feel the need to have a dig at someone else or superficial people who "collect" friends, e.g must have a lawyer friend, doctor friend etc and a SAHM just isn't interesting enough for them.

The negative comments that I have had from SAHM I think are down to jealousy. The people that have said things have never been career minded and are envious of people who manage to juggle a career with bringing up children.

Personally I couldn't give a hoot what anyone else does. There is no right or wrong way is there?

Original poster

Karen36 · 04/02/2009 15:04

thanks for most of the comments. I am happy with my choice to be SAHM and appreciate that for most mums SAH and WOH, the welfare of their family is paramount in the choices they make.

OP posts:

extremelychocolateymilkroll · 04/02/2009 15:07

What is irritating is when people say "Oh, so you're not working then" to which I usually reply "Not outside the home, no" which probably makes me sound tetchy but they often give the impression that being at home means you're not doing anything, when, as others have said, it can be more demanding.

Ilovemydogandmrobama - how do you avoid the whole "What do you do?" question?

sarah293 · 04/02/2009 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gateau · 04/02/2009 15:13

extremely, I work p-t, but what don;t you just answer the question with; No, I chose not to."
Simple, truthful and assertive.

Wintersun · 04/02/2009 15:19

I don't know why anyone would make a negative comment about either. Both have their merits and negative points. Both need support and I'm sure both are doing what they want to do or need to do for their families.

Just ignore anyone who looks like they're looking down on you. It's definitely more their problem than yours.

extremelychocolateymilkroll · 04/02/2009 15:20

Gateau - because I think that answer goes along with the assumption in the question that by staying at home you are not working. Tbh I don't really care if people feel I'm defensive - just trying to answer accurately! I do love your name by the way - wish I hadn't chosen such a long one.

Northernlurker · 04/02/2009 15:22

I'm pretty fed up of getting 'ooh how do you manage' as a reaction to the fact that i work full time. I know damn well it means 'oooh I wonder what you're slipping on'

When I took my daughter to the toddler group party and she was crying when it was time to go home (she was 20 months btw) a sahm I know told me it was because she was in shock at having mummy all to herself all day.

From my perspective I know who's doing the judging and it isn't the working mums. They really are too busy.

extremelychocolateymilkroll · 04/02/2009 15:24

Sorry to hijack - Northerlurker - I think it was you who gave some medical advice to that woman who discharged herself from A&E. Any idea if the scan was okay?

becstarlitsea · 04/02/2009 15:25

They're probably just figuring out what to say next when you think they're looking at you funny. If they say 'Do you work?' and you reply 'Yes, I'm a graphic designer/journalist/tv producer' then they have some non-personal easy follow up questions to ask you. But if you say 'SAHM' and they know how many kids you have and their ages, because the kids are standing right there, they have to think of a slightly trickier conversational gambit - one which isn't too personal for someone they hardly know, but because most of what you do is very personal indeed, that's harder. Work is a safe topic to talk about with people who you hardly know. I suggest you throw these people a conversational lifebelt - ask them how their work is going, tell them about your hobbies or an anecdote about your kids, to help them out of searching awkwardly for the next question.

DippyFarquhar · 04/02/2009 15:40

After I had DS I went in to visit people from work when he was about 4 weeks old and even at that point people were asking 'So what are you doing with yourself?' and they asked it every time they saw me. One colleague on hearing someone say to me 'You're looking well' said 'Well, of course she is, she doesn't have to come to work!'. Yes, because bringing up a baby alone with two other children to care for is soooooo relaxing.

Other comments from other mothers have been 'Well, it's ok to stay at home if you can afford to' Erm, well I can't really and I'm scrounging off the state so is that not ok?

My response is usually 'No, I'm not working at present because I want to be at home with my son for now' but even as I'm saying it I can hear a mass of women saying 'Yes, we'd all like to have that choice but not all of us can afford it/want to live on benefits/think the taxpayer should be supporting us'.

I'm definitely over-sensitive about it knowing what a lot of people think about lone parents on benefits. I think I wouldn't feel I had to justify it so much if I was with a partner who was earning.

FriarKewcumber · 04/02/2009 16:09

Northern - when people ask me how Imanage (job,preschooler, single) I invariably smile broadly and say..
"Oh I just lower my standards" {grin]

They invariably think I'm joking

mersmam · 04/02/2009 16:25

I think it'a all about insecurity... Non working mums worry that others perceive them as lazy... Working mums worry that people think they neglect their children...
We should learn to be comfortable with the choices we've made and make the best of what we have - not give into our insecurities and try to bolster our confidence by putting other people down.

Just do the best you can at what you do and forget what other people think - that's their problem!

Just my opinion

BonsoirAnna · 04/02/2009 16:30

Always, always bear in mind that no woman is superwoman and, however much some women will scream and shout that they are doing it all and having it all, none of them really are (they are just in denial).

thumbwitch · 04/02/2009 16:33

if you think all WOHMs are looking funny at you, then that possibly says more about your own feelings about being a SAHM that you are reading that into their expressions. Are you feeling at all guilty about it?

I am a part-time WAHM and couldn't care less what other people do or what they think about my choice - I am happy with what I choose to do and therefore never really come across people looking funny at me (or perhaps I am just thick-skinned and don't notice!)

Niecie · 04/02/2009 16:53

It isn't the WOHM that are the problem but the childless working women who think you have all the time in the world just because you don't work and you have somehow let down the sisterhood.

I have had a couple of WOHM say 'I would be so bored if I had to stay at home' with the unspoken, subtext hanging in the air that I must be really dull and boring if I am happy to do it. I don't think I am being over sensitive to get the feeling they are looking down at me though. You can tell from somebody's tone when they are patronising.

However they are a minority and most WOHM don't give a damn.

Either way, if you are happy, your children are happy and your partner is happy, why is it the business of anybody else? Rise above it or say something about being sooooo glad you don't have to answer to a boss and join in the rat race any more if you feel you need to have your say. But on the whole it is best to just smile sweetly and ignore them.

georgimama · 04/02/2009 17:00

There have been many bloodbaths discussions on this board on this subject.

I have given up trying to defend (on here) my decision on whether to work or not because the people whose opinions matter back me 100%.

Everyone else can get stuffed.

MrsMattie · 04/02/2009 17:53

Haven't read all replies (sorry), but to be honest, you get to a point in motherhood where you are busy and have shit to do and quite frankly just really don't give a fuck what other people think.

I've worked full time with a young baby. I've worked part time. I've freelanced and I've worked from home. I am currently a SAHM to two under 4. There are pros and cons to all these various 'options'. We all do our best, don't we? People who seriously have time in their lives to do other women down over this issue are fuckwits.

SongBirdOfPrey · 04/02/2009 17:58

one of my friends who is a wohm keeps saying how she would be so bored being a sah.
i've never once said anything negative to her about her putting her dc in nursery and there have been quite a few problems. i've bitten my tonuge and smiled sweetly about 4 times now but my patience is wearing thin now.

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