I'm a bad stay at home Dad :(

[BritishBeef]

I haven't posted in quite a while but am struggling at the moment.

My DS is now 17 months and I am a stay at home Dad while my SO works hard to pay the bills.

I'm not coping too well right now. I find my DS very demanding (normal I know). He seems to cry and scream an awful lot and I am struggling to control my temper. I don't seem to cope too well with lack of sleep and that makes me have little patience.

DS wakes up every morning anytime between 4.30am and 6am (today was 4.30am). He sometimes will sleep through to 6.30-7am but that's not very often). I've tried everything to get him to sleep later but it doesn't work.

Anyway, back to me being a rubbish Dad. For example, My wife was away last night on business and this morning, after his morning nap, DS was sat with me and I removed his dummy as I don't want him to have his dummy unless it's bed time or he's very tired etc. He screamed his head off for about 5 minutes (felt like forever) and I just lost it. I shouted at him at the top of my voice to shut up and stop screaming. This of course made him scream even more and I shouted again (more at myself this time) but I swore too. DS continued to scream for another 5/10 minutes non stop. I felt bad about my shouting but could feel my temper rising more so decided it was best to leave the room and count to 20. I went up to my bedroom in a rage and slammed the bedroom door shut hard. Whilst in my bedroom, I reflected on my behaviour and nearly burst into tears at the thought of how awful I'd been to my own son.

I then thought about what the neighbours might have heard and that they were probably phoning social services to report me for abusing my son!

I just feel really bad about the way I have so little patience lately. I'm soo tired all the time. I've shouted at my son a quite a few times before too.

I'm fortunate in that he has two wonderful sets of grandparents who give me a break once or twice a week. How crap am I that even then I can't sometimes cope?

I need to change the way I react before it's too late and damage is done emotionally. At the moment I feel I'm failing miserably at being a good father.

Hmmm I think if you want to get back to work, this is the perfect solution...coming from someone (single mum) who works full time and always has, yet despite this I have still shouted and had to take time out.

Parenting isn't easy and if anyone claims to be better than to lose it on occasion I will call them a liar.

Losing it once in a while doesn't make you a bad Dad, caring enough to seek help proves you are a damn good parent.

Keep trying, take time out and make sure you are stimulating them and you will be fine.

Who gets up at 4am when your ds wakes? Is it always you?

I'm a sahm. My dh gets up with dd during the week and looks after her while he gets ready for work. He's happy to get some time just with dd, and i get a bit of extra sleep or time to myself to go to the gym. He also does the bath and bed routine when he gets home (but we're lucky that he doesn't work crazy hours).

Could/does your dw share some of the early morning/evening parenting with you?

Don't worry about feeling like a spare wheel at a toddler group. The one I go to has lots of women on their own without talking to anyone, so they're in exactly the same boat as any 'isolated' man.

The difference between them and me is I have my iPod, listening to the Guardian Football podcast, the New Yorker political review, Mark Kermode's film reviews, and the like. A rich interior life of 'me-time' while my toddler plays.

One earpiece in, one out, so I can hear any emergencies or anyone talking to me as we sort out toddler fights. Gradually over time you start to talk to some of the regulars, or the organisers.

I also agree with a planned structure to the day for your own cabin fever rather than the kid's.

Aefondkiss thanks for the compliment no it isnt in the book its my own personal little gem and one I have never posted online before , just shared with friends & family! But trust me I use it a lot!!!!

Oh poor you, it's shit sometyimes isn't it. Haven't read all other posts, but I would say:

1. Give him his dummy. It really doesn't matter if he has it a lot, it should be easy to remove it if he's focused on something else, and he is only 17 months. The most important thing is that it makes life easier for you, which leads on to:
2. Don't be hard on yourself, if your child is fed, clean and happy, then this is brilliant. Don't worry about the housework. He'll go through much easier stages when you can get a bit more on top of things like that. Stop setting your standards so high.
3. There are a few Dads at toddler groups near me, and there is a child friendly room in a local pub too where a lot of them meet after going swimming, for a beer one day a week. It doesn't really matter if you're the only Dad there, and if it's any help, going to these things for the first time is excruciating for most people, not just dads. Grit your teeth and go. It will be fine.

Good luck

BB - I remember posting on your threads when he was a tiny baby who would not sleep and was giving your DW hell and you obv!

You are going through what we all have - toddlerhood!

I recommend distraction and leaving the dummy for now. I was DDs dummy at that age and now she is 2 she no longer needs me, he will wean off it in his own time given some encouragement - don't push him now, there is too much else going on.

He is obviously v demanding but I bet he is a real bright spark as well

Get out and do things every day. Does he like the library? we go to ours and there are always Dads there. As for toddler groups - the Ladies flock to chat to the dads that go to ours - go for it

Haven't read all the posts but do you do any activities, playgroups with your ds? Getting out and about and having things to do helps. I think being a SAHM or D is really hard unless you have some kind of social life to have adult conversations during the day. Also meeting other mums/dads with similar aged children helps you to realise that you aren't the only one who has to deal with this. I met a few SAHDs when I was at home so you would hopefully meet some too. Library storytime seemed to be a popular place and less overwhelming than some of the toddler groups.

I also wouldn't worry about the dummy.My ds had one and decided for himself when he didn't want one (about 18 months). Took his grandma a while to get the message until he took it out and threw at her!

Should add that when I was at home I'd have one booked activity every other day (so had to get out of the house to go) and more flexible arrangements on the other days. It helped me to have that focus. I love my ds to pieces but I really struggled with the whole baby/young toddler stage.

agree with everyone who said you're knackered - it is impossible to be patient, loving, ideal parent when exhausted. ds went through a 5am waking phase and it nearly killed me. i say sort this out first and the rest may fall into place - you will feel better about life in general.
try the wake to sleep thing people have mentioned; also try putting him to bed earlier (i know, it sounds mad, but for some reason this helped him sleep in later - god knows why - and if it doesnt, then at least you can go to bed when he does...) . also you mention him waking up from a morning nap - does he still sleep twice a day? at his age he may be ready to go for one long sleep in the middle of the day. it gives you more time to yourself and could help sort out his night time sleeping (keeping him up til middayish for the sleep may be hell first few days but may encourage him to sleep in). if he is waking at 4am he is probably exhausted too and this will make him grumpier and more difficult to do with.
at least a couple of nights a week go to bed at 9pm. you feel like an idiot but the sleep's worth it. agree with everyone who said get out to toddler groups, soft play, swimming, anything really (tho my dh in common with a lot of men hates anything involving singing as he finds it embarrassing) - people WILL talk to you and it really helps the cabin fever, your ds will probably be better tempered too. you may well also meet more sahds with whom you can vent. take up the grandparents' offers to help and dont feel crap about it.
lastly, have you talked to your wife about how you are feeling? she may have other suggestions, and she also probably needs to know how wound up you are. if you are hiding it from her that is probably making you stressed in itself. good luck - in a few months it will be a LOT easier as your ds will be more verbal, play more independently and more able to join in proper games and activities with you.

I think you should just give him the dummy. Why don;t you want him to have it? Surely it is less damaging for him to have a dummy than to be shouted and sworn at? Pick your battles carefully with toddlers.

I understand you are really tired, but i am going to go against most posters and admit I think it is really bad to shout and swear at a small child. Yes, it can happen. But if on regular basis, then you really need to stop yourself. You are an adult. You should be able to control yourself. He is a toddler!

Sorry, haven't read all posts but just one point to make on the swearing thing - I too swear at DS (same age as yours) but it's a stress release thing, I only do it because he has no idea what I'm saying. I NEVER swear at his elder sister and I'm sure you'd be the same. I don't think you are actually swearing at him, you are swearing at the situation.

No swearing at any age child isn't acceptable imo.

Definately go to a toddler group, just like us mums you may have to "shop around" to find one that suits you. Lots of men at the ones i went to, so they tended to chat to each other. It will be good for DS to start interacting with other little ones, even though they don't play together at that age. If you can find a homestart run playgroup in your area i would start with that - they are an organisation run to help parents, often to help parents with "problems" but i went to a general playgroup and it was great. Because there are play workers there who are keen to get you involved they wont let you be on the outside like a spare part, but trust me, being a man, you will be quite popular - not for any dodgy reason, but its so nice to get some male company in the day too i found.

I wouldn't sweat it over the dummy, if he wants it, let him have it, its not worth stressing him, he'll want it more and become nervous about not being able to have it and it will go round in circles. Let him have it for now and then in six months time when life is more interesting for him, try again.

Look, we have all lost it with our toddlers, i think people find different ages really hard - my DD was an angel at 17m, really easy laid back girl - now she is 3.5 and i am only just clinging on to my sanity!! Im doing the shouty mummy bit just now and i pretty much feel the same way you do - shit, but i just have to hold on to the fact that DDs behaviour is normal and it will pass!!

Bach's rescue remedy is good when you are feeling tense - its probably bullshit but the physical action of taking yourself out of the situation to go and find your little bottle of herbal remedy could well be the break you need.

I honestly couldn't recommend getting out and about more - its like pulling teeth at first but its sooo good for the little ones, and it preserves your sanity. Even if you think, shit, that was dullsville today, can't wait to get home and have a DECENT cup of tea, it breaks up the day. The days i struggle the most are the days when i don't leave the house.

As for the housework - don't sweat it, its more important to be a happy parent for your son - do the bare minimum and if that becomes a problem for you or your wife (some people can't cope with mess) and you can afford it, get a cleaner a couple of hours a week to do the stuff you can't be arsed to do.

And remember, you are not shit for shouting at your son - we all do it, don't care what anyone says, no one doesn't lose the plot with their children ever. Its when you do it every day that you have to break that cycle - and just getting out of the house more might do that. The fresh air will tire out the little dictator if nothing else .

Your ds sounds soo like mine. He NEVER slept in the pushchair either and he was very a very whingy baby/young toddler. He slept in the cot (though that was as a result of me allowing him to cry a bit for a few days until he got the habit of falling asleep). He also woke between 4.30 and 5.30am at that age.

Looking back DS was most certainly suffering from sleep deprivation himself ( I know I was!). He was a baby who needed a predictable routine but with regular changes of scene. He was easily bored and yet also easily overstimulated and had a hard time switching off to fall asleep if his senses were overloaded (eg out in the buggy)

I am going to say what helped for us a bit

1 -I accepted that for a while ds would need s reasonably tight sleeping routine and would make sure i was home in time for lunch and a nap on most days ( at least 3 out of 4 days)

2 I had an early bedtime for him (He was often asleep by 6.30pm) as a later one made no difference whatsoever to his wake-up time.That way I had a long evening and could get an early night myself.

3 DH and I shared the wakeups and early starts

4 i used a hip sling for doing work around the house but you may find that a back one id better as he is close to you but out of the way a bit. It really helped as he would definitely be happier if close to me. I often did the vacuuming/cooking etc with him in it.

It will improve and I know it is easier said than done but ds was a bit better with dh because dh was calmer than I was (he could be as he spent less time with ds so it got to him less)

I would recommend trying the wake to sleep thing. I found out about it too late (DS had mostly outgrown the ridiculously early wake-ups by then) but it seems to have worked for a lot of people.

MollieO, not trying to be argumentative but seriously where is the harm in saying something that a child doesn't understand?! If it's said in a horrible tone of voice that's one thing (as I admit to being guilty of) but the actual words themselves are irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. As long as it's said in the same tone of voice then I don't see any difference between saying to a 1-year old "I am really frustrated today" or "I'm so fucking fed up today".

OP, I completely agree about not napping when your kid does, because that way you don't get a break. Nobody seems to understand this when I mention it to them! My DS is such hard work that I would far rather be tired but have had a mental break from him, than be rested but having had him all the time. Totally agree with you there!

Oh and in the first 2.5 years of ds's life I NEVER (and i really mean NEVER even if DS or I were really ill) stayed in ALL day. I always went out. Msot days I went out twice (before and after his nap). Am would be toddler group or swimming or meet with a friend, pm would be a quick visit to the shops to get food/supplies /run errands etc.

If one of us was ill I would wrap the ill one up warm and we would go out for a short walk at least. In fact if ds were quite ill it was one of the few times he might fall asleep in the pushchair while we were out.

I wouldn't worry about going to Toddler group etc, I go to an horrendous baby signing class that has us all singing and dancing etc and makes me want to die of embarrassment (I actually quite enjoy it though, just so long as no one I know in RL sees me!) and there were two dads there this week. I couldn't keep my eyes off him purely because I thought it was bloody brilliant that they were there, my DP wouldn't go to one even if I paid him, useless swine! There's nothing better than seeing a man getting amongst it! Oh, and we all feel like spare parts, believe me!

Can I recommend a book for you take a look at? it can be ordered/reserved from the library, however i went on to buy my own copy as it's such a brilliant read. It's called Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green and is very down-to-earth. i bought my copy from amazon for about £8

Whenever, I have felt overwhelmed by my kids, I have figured out the one thing that would make the biggest difference and just worked on solving that. Like you, I need my sleep so I would get the sleep sorted out first ... both you and DS need more sleep to be able to cope.

Lots of ideas here already and you may be able to get others from books/TV etc. Figure out your plan of action ... (write it down if it helps) Get your DW on board and decide you are going to help your DS fix it!

Don't worry about anything else during that period ... just focus on naps and bedtime sleep... and give yourself a break from the dummy, etc.

Plus lots of outdoor stuff to give yourself a break and wear DS out.

Good luck.

Dads go to the playgroups I go to. Infact, this might be a really good way of finding other SAHDs to share your frustrations with.

Forget the time off thing. Nap when he naps - the less tired you are, the less time off you need. Try it for a bit.

I know this is obvious, but the less stressed you are, the less he will play up. I get far less wound up this time round (DS3) because I know toddler tantrums etc are just a stage and will pass - and as a result, he plays up less. Do whatever you have to to get through this difficult stage. Give him a dummy - he won't have it when he is 15.

Ignore all those that tell you parenting gets harder as they get older. It might do in a few years time (our oldest is still only 7), but once you get past the toddler years, you have a break when everything becomes so so much easier (not least because you are sleeping).

Get out of the house (at the time of day he is least likely to sleep - so you can sleep at home with him later). Go somewhere you want to go sometimes, not just the park. Go to Starbucks and get a large coffee while he faffs with a babychino. Go to soft play and chill while he does his own thing.

Good luck - give him a couple of months and it gets much easier.
Try reading Richard Ferber's 'How to solve your child's sleep problems' re the early waking.

On a bad day, sit and watch a video, give beans on toast, don't clean, put him in grubby clothes. That will be far better for him than a stressed and worn out Dad.

PS: if the anger is really bad - seek professional help. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem.