I'm a bad stay at home Dad :(

[BritishBeef]

I haven't posted in quite a while but am struggling at the moment.

My DS is now 17 months and I am a stay at home Dad while my SO works hard to pay the bills.

I'm not coping too well right now. I find my DS very demanding (normal I know). He seems to cry and scream an awful lot and I am struggling to control my temper. I don't seem to cope too well with lack of sleep and that makes me have little patience.

DS wakes up every morning anytime between 4.30am and 6am (today was 4.30am). He sometimes will sleep through to 6.30-7am but that's not very often). I've tried everything to get him to sleep later but it doesn't work.

Anyway, back to me being a rubbish Dad. For example, My wife was away last night on business and this morning, after his morning nap, DS was sat with me and I removed his dummy as I don't want him to have his dummy unless it's bed time or he's very tired etc. He screamed his head off for about 5 minutes (felt like forever) and I just lost it. I shouted at him at the top of my voice to shut up and stop screaming. This of course made him scream even more and I shouted again (more at myself this time) but I swore too. DS continued to scream for another 5/10 minutes non stop. I felt bad about my shouting but could feel my temper rising more so decided it was best to leave the room and count to 20. I went up to my bedroom in a rage and slammed the bedroom door shut hard. Whilst in my bedroom, I reflected on my behaviour and nearly burst into tears at the thought of how awful I'd been to my own son.

I then thought about what the neighbours might have heard and that they were probably phoning social services to report me for abusing my son!

I just feel really bad about the way I have so little patience lately. I'm soo tired all the time. I've shouted at my son a quite a few times before too.

I'm fortunate in that he has two wonderful sets of grandparents who give me a break once or twice a week. How crap am I that even then I can't sometimes cope?

I need to change the way I react before it's too late and damage is done emotionally. At the moment I feel I'm failing miserably at being a good father.

Nearly all the toddler groups I attend regularly include some dads attending, too. You can ask around for recommendations (ask other parents you meet at the soft play area, if necessary, or health visitor may have a list or idea how to find out about them).

The only issue is that sometimes at toddler groups some of the mums feel uncomfy breastfeeding if a man is there, but it's easy enough for you to strategically place yourself away from the 'baby' section of the group; plus with a 17-month-old to keep an eye on, you will probably be obviously too busy to be a covert oggler.

And just like the other parents, you can compare notes, help tidy up, chat about bad nights, etc.

Do you go to public playgrounds?

BritishBeef you sound completely normal to me. And lovely. And everything you are talking about is what everyone else goes through. You're not a rubbish Dad at all!

There were 2 or 3 dads at our toddler group. One came regularly as he was a SAHD, the other worked a week on and a week off so came with his dd on the weeks when he wasn't working. They just fitted in like everyone else.

definately let him have the dummy. That's a battle for another time.

i go to a preschool gym and a playgroup with my 2 yr old, both have dads which attend. You just need to jump in with both feet and give it a go. Your current situation is not healthy for either of you.

Don't feel guilty about a messy house either. Do the basics, but your job is looking after a child at home. That means that the house will look messy most of the time.

I think you need some time off during the week so you can re-charge your batteries and be more rested and relaxed when you are with your DC. Could he go to a child-minder a couple of mornings a week? Or could you get a very part-time nanny or help?

Can you afford a cleaner once a week for 4 hours? IME there are not enough hours in the day to do all the cleaning effectively and look after a DC.

Do try some play-groups, it breaks up the day and gets you out the house.

You are doing fine and sound like a great Dad, don't worry about the shouting etc but do try and find a way to get some time off and practical help.

The best bit of advice I ever got when I had DS1 was from my HV, who said that if he cried for a few minutes while I made a cup of tea and calmed down, it would do him no lasting damage. And it hasn't.

You're being very hard of yourself. Throw in the towel re the dummy - at some point you can create the rule where it's only for bedtime, but that doesn't have to be now when you're going through a bit of a blip. Agree re the need for plans - and go out as often as possible; you're much less likely to lose it if you're in public.

A top MN tip from the past was the "imagining there's a TV documentary crew in the room filming you" trick. It really does work when you feel yourself getting angry.

Really, we've all been there. Toddlers are relentless - it's exhausting and stressful. Then it gets easier, then they become teenagers

At our toddler group there are dads too - no-one even notices really. Take a book/paper with you so you won't feel such a "spare part".

If you do feel out of place, call it a day for that one and try another.

it will really help getting out and about and tiring DS out

Looking after a small demanding child is extremely hard work. I've always had a bit of a temper as well, and really struggle with all the conflicting demands around this time of my children's lives. What I found worked best for all of us was to put outdoors clothes on, put em in the pushchair and go for a brisk walk whenever the going got tough. The change of air seems to sweeten everyone's mood, and any tired child will usually drop off to sleep at this stage. Once they're asleep, you slip into a cafe or coffee shop and have a sit down with a cup of coffee and the paper. Bottom line is you're tired and need some me time. That's not selfish, it's self-preservation, and it's in your child's best interests for you to be emotionally healthy.

Having said this, your response, to take yourself away from him for a few minutes, is a very logical and sensible move. He would not come to any harm in his cot for a few minutes while you simmer down.

We've all been there, and got the teeshirt- you are definitely not alone, and you sound as though you are doing a good job no matter what you feel at the moment.

Duchess - If only DS would sleep whilst out and about! He has only ever slept out in his pushchair once since he was a couple of months old!! He does not do outside his cot sleeping......EVER. He will just get really tired and very whingy which turns to screaming. I'm so jeleous when I see toddlers asleep in their pushchairs!

We've all done that, OP

I'd agree with the bit about going out to work though, if at all possible for a couple of days a week. It keeps me sane ...

Also, can you flick a disassociation switch to help you? Was an invaluable technique when mine were toddlers. You have to imagine that you are the star of your own reality TV show and you are being filmed and everyone you know (plus 6 million others - remember this is prime time) is watching YOU. So you have to act sweetly reasonable even if you feel like spontaneously combusting. It only takes about two minutes of conscious effort before you start feeling reasonable.

Oh I had an unsleeping in the pushchair one too. It is EXHAUSTING.

Going out really is the key you know. Public parks, walks, trips walking up and down a street of shops. You might feel going into a shop a step too far, and you'd probably be right.

Sign up for stuff. There are lots of Dads out there. Make your own rota. Do a playgroup, go swimming, go for a drive! Keep yourself interested. The local library always a good one too. Music groups good too, because if you are feeling spare partish it's better because you can shake your shaker and sing Wheels on the Bus.

I think you're tired tbh. But you're not unusual. Try to avoid the conflicts if you can - he has ALL DAY to scream about the dummy / the telly / the irrational and you don't.

He'll talk soon. That helps, I found.

We all feel like a spare part when we start going to playgroups. Try swimming as well. Plan to go out every day, really helps and make the days in easier. Does he have an afternoon nap? DD is 18 months and could easily drop it. (If I'd let her)

Accept that you will have no life for a few months and make sure you go to bed early enough. Its shit, yes, but then so are the days at the moment. And you won't hate yourself.

Can you get a cleaner? Mine saves my sanity, once a week, a few hours. Of course throwing money at the problem isn't the answer and we should all be able to cope in an ideal world. If you can afford it, then one less thing to get stressed about.

These are precious days, but hard work and often thankless. Do whatever you can to make your life easier and remember the mantra

"And this, too, shall pass"

You are a normal SAHP.

i found the isolation really hard when i first had a toddler, i'd moved to a new area and it was so hard going to toddler groups, I do sympathise. also, my ds wasn't really a buggy sleeper, or a sleeper at all in the day, being sleep deprived is really hard. I think getting out as much as possible is key, it is quite hard to do it but made me feel better when we were out.

Definitely try toddler groups, I get really fed up if in the house all day with dd, and I work 3 days! Some are better than others, so if you don't like the first one then try another. I don't see why being a bloke should be a problem, as others have said there are often a couple of men, and if not chat to the mums! I would love it if our group was more mixed..
Housework I find hard, if you're out you don't make as much mess, sometimes its a good idea to force yourself to do a couple of jobs in the morning, just accept that everything takes longer with a toddler in tow and try to get them to help? I HAD to do the floor yesterday, normally I would wait until dd was asleep or out but yesterday I gave her a jcloth and she helped, cbeebies on in the other room and she toddled back and forth, helping then watching a couple of minutes telly. Generally dh accepts that looking after dd is full time job, and doesn't expect all the housework to be done and dinner on the table when he gets in. Sometimes I can get a bit of washing up done while dd plays with the whisk and the pastry brush in her highchair.

Loads of dads do activities with their dc these days. Dh tried to use that one to get out taking dd1 to dance rehearsal and was promptly told "Katie's dad and grandad both take her. Lillys dad is there all the time and I'm not even sure that Ellie has a mum"

I'm not a SAHm mum me and DH organise our shiifts around each other . Could you look into getting a couple of nights work a week maybe in a bar ot something? Just to give a reason to get of the house alone?

I second the nursery too. One day a week. It will be good for ds to socialise and will give you a break.

Does DW help? You both need a break. Being at home with a toddler is just as demanding as work. Make sure you take turns to get your sleep in when she is off.

Really, toddler groups/stay and play/music classes/swimming - whatever it is just get out of the house as much as possible! I also wouldn't worry too much about the dummy, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter - and if you can afford a couple of mornings a week at nursery so you can sleep or catch up with the housework I would do that too.

Also - playdates are great! The little ones can play and you get to be in the company of another adult for an hour or two.

BritishBeef - if the dummy is providing comfort to him, let him have it for now. He will grow out of it when he is ready.

Agree about getting out of the house. I know it may seem like more hassle and a struggle, but I would really aim to get out every single day - even if it is only a short walk round the nearby lanes. A home can seem very claustrophobic when there is just you and a young child and can definitely make little daily stresses build up and up. If I don?t get out I am miserable.
Rather than a nursery, why not consider activities you can share together? swimming course, regular gym tots type thing, local playgroup, library story time, craft club etc etc There are so many wonderful ways to keep tots busy and get out to meet other parents yourself too. Great way to start letting your child interact with others and be less bored himself - might even lead to play dates and meeting up with other parents etc.

We have all been exactly where you are right now. Every parent has frustrating days where they feel that their parenting skills have gone out of the window. Do not lose heart. The fact that you are giving yourself a hard time about it shows you are a caring dad - hold on to that x

Sounds to me like you´re not a bad dad at all, just knackered! I know just how little patience I have when sleep deprived.

Is your ds sleep deprived too? If he´s up so early and crying a lot in the day this could be it.. bearing in mind that the MORE tired you are the HARDER it is to wind down and sleep. Another interesting sign of being overtired.. does your ds wake up with the slightest noise or can you hoover during nap time? An overtired child wakes up at the slightest disturbance, a child that sleeps well will sleep through the noise...

My DD doesn´t nap in her pram either and it doesn´t make life easy does it.. The play dates, toddler group ideas put forward already are great. One other thing I keep meaning to try myself is "swimming". This certainly exhausts older children, maybe it could even get our little one asleep in the pram afterwards..? Let me know what happens if you try!

All the best and sympathies.

Have you taken him swimming yet? That usually wears them out too, dd1 would have huge nap after that!

I understand re the housework, that is hard! But just do the basics that won't take too long. Can he help you with things like, filling the washing machine/dryer. Pass you pegs when you hang the washing, sit him on the kitchen floor with a bowl of water & ask him to 'wash up' his plastic bits, include him, then he won't feel left alone.

Also, if you don't want to nap when he does, make sure you at least have a sit down/cuppa/watch crap tv for a good chunk of his nap. Recharge yourself & he will be easier to deal with.

Sounds like you are doing a great job!

You are not being a crap SAHD!! As others have said, you are being a normal adult at home with a (seemingly) somewhat demanding 17 month old.

Playgroups etc I really don't like toddler groups, they all seem so 'clicky' and I am bored to tears, however, LO (21 months) does like them so we go every now and then. I always feel like a spare part and so I can really see where you are coming from, but I wish more Dads would come, it might stop it being so clicky/boring?! I have tried a few groups - of the climbing and music variety and couldn't stand any of them (and LO didn't get enough out of it to make the suffering worthwhile), I'm going to try a couple of others this term to see if we can find something enjoyable for LO and endurable for me! LOL However, the swimming lessons are great (and there was always at least 1 Dad there). Soft play places seem to have Dad's there even in the week.

Personally (if you can afford it) I like to get out to the farms (no idea where you live but places like Bocketts Farm), Manic Monsters, we go on Welly Walks (I tog her up and let her get as dirty as she likes!), have a coffee in the cafe (she loves this, I'm training her well ... and just go to different places that are not necessarily 'childrens places' - such as garden centres for a walk around and a coffee (can you see a theme here?). Other days it's nice to have a day at home when we don't have to get sorted!

I think most of us feel lonely, I do - a lot, and it's difficult to meet people who you become friends with, rather than people you meet up with just because you have Lo's the same age. I organise to meet up with nursery friends of the older LO (3 yrs) because she loves it and I can cope, but occasionally when you spend the day with a friend who just happens to have kids the same age it's a completely different day - so much more enjoyable! It's hard enough as a woman, I can only imagine how much harder it would be as a bloke.

Does he like having a bath? If he does, there is nothing to say they can only have 1 a day - pile in the toys & bubbles and let him make a mess!! Sit in the hallway outside and read a newspaper

Do you play with Playdoh? Paints? Chalk? (I'm not assuming you don't, just thinking of the things I give LO to do when she's being a little bit demanding and I need a little bit of headspace (I can totally understand where you are coming from about not wanting to sleep at the same time as DS, it seems a 'waste' when it's the only time you have to have a moment to yourself inside your own head without interruption!!).

If this was a SAHM posting this we'd all be asking what the DH was doing when he got home and explaining that looking after children sometimes doesn't leave much time for being the cleaner and cook as well... but as it's the other way around there's not a lot of mention of your OH! LOL. How does your DW feel about it, does she think you do a good job and isn't worried about the mess (then give her lots more hugs) or does she expect you to do it all and is less than impressed when you haven't? If she feels that way, get her to read the posts from the SAHM's who need their DH's to do more (something).

hereidrawtheline's idea ..."This is a strange one but I found it really helps me as I like sci-fi. Imagine your child is an alien from another planet with no idea how to cope with life on earth. " is a great idea... is it in the mn toddler book?

BritishBeef, as everyone has already said; you are not alone.

I wanted to mention the Wake To Sleep method for getting lo's to sleep through the night. My Dd didn't sleep though ever and at 19 mos, I tried this method and it really does work. I am useless with computers and technology, so can't link, but there is a thread on here that tells how to do it.
It changed my nights! I couldn't believe it, but it really worked...

Sleep : calling all fellow parents of early risers - i hardly dare say i, but i THINK this wake-to-sleep thing MAY work...!

Ok, this link doesn't work ~ I tried it, but this is the thread and it was started on the 8th July 08 by Tutter, so do an advanced search and check it out and Good luck!

*through, not though

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=sleep&threadid=563178-calling-all-fellow-parents-of-early-risers -i-hardly-dare#11503654