When you were a child was being shouted at or smacked the worst and which has had a lasting effect on you?

[theresonlyme]

I remember being kicked and hit by my foster mother but apart from her complaining I always had my nose in a book and looked pasty, I don't really remember her shouting at me.

My mother seemed really aggressive, she slapped me round the face a few times, she used to throw things near me , sometimes at me. She had a terrible temper , especially if it was the time of the month. She used to say , '' I wish you had never been born'' . My father all the time in the background, keeping out of it.

I'm in my thirties now, and I have vaguely forgiven her, as she was very young when she had me. She is a good Nana.

My DD is nearly two and beautiful .... she is snuggled up next to me right now watching ITNG.
I am determined for her childhood to be the one I always wanted.... Ballet etc

I strive to be a benign, consistent parent.

My Mother would be verbally and physically aggressive. Scream and shout rant and rage. It would fill me with fear and dread.
Looking back at times she was abusive to all of us. Father would just stand by and watch. He is not his own person at all, very weak. This all started as we started to get older and develop personalities, become young adults. She just didn't have a clue about teenage years, lol forget it. We just were not allowed to be ourselves.

The worse was the tension in the house when she was in a mood. The fear, the feeling that I could never really bring people over as depending on her mood she would go into an act or be just plain rude and humiliate me.

I despise what she did and although DD is just 2 I try my damndest not to be too controlling. Although my "abuse" didn't start until 6 or 7.

I had both, hated both.

To answer your OP though, what I most remember it the fear being chased when I was going to get spanked. I used to get 10 on the bottom - really uneccessary.

Some awful stories here. For me it was the violence that seemed to be done in spite or in anger that were the worst. I didn't care about the shouting. My dad also had a way of lying in wait for you. You knew he was mad with you, you might know why, and he'd watch and wait until you put the slightest foot wrong and then you'd get it. That could be quite stressful as no matter how hard you tried you'd always get it wrong.

I have forgiven him though, he was a lone parent, stressed and trying his absolute best.

I again had both and hated both. The horrible waiting games that my mother used to play and the weird pyschological stuff that turned me into a liar from about the age of 3, always waiting to trip me up about something innocent. My brother (older by 13 months) was always the favourite, my mum actually had a special pet name for him (which I don't want to use as it's very distinctive) and I was told I was adopted or swapped in the hospital. My mum was actually an expert in something that hasn't been mentioned (or that I may have missed) the wonder that is sleep deprivation. She used to wake me up at all hours of the night to tidy my bedroom/wash the dishes hang out the washing (you name it she did it). I should mention that this started from a very young age. As I've grown older I've distanced myself emotionally and geographically from her. She takes very little interest in my two fab daughters (aged 2 & 3) but wastes no time in telling me about my sisters child, 13 months. My sister is younger by 10 years and could never understand all the shit that I had to go thro', she's never really seen any of my mum's angry and destructive behaviour. Apparantly, my mum must have mellowed big time after having my sister. I don't really recall the verbal abuse (well I do, but the physical was a lot worse) - after a while it all sinks into one, but the horrible dread of never knowing what mood she was going to be in when she woke up, or I came home from school has never left me. Even now on the rare occasion she phones (usually to berate me about summink ) I find myself getting ready to defend myself. For god's sake I'm 31!!!

I try to ensure that any behaviour reminiscent of my mum is curbed as soon as I start. It's a bit harder for me as I have a 17 yo dsd who lives with dp and I and knows which buttons to push. Every day can be a little battle to ensure that I don't pass on the feelings of belittlement and inadequecy to my own girls. I especially make a point of physical hugs and cuddles and telling them I love them as I never, ever had this - even now (I'm sure they'll be thrilled when they're teenagers pmsl!!)

SB

I would say that the cruelty in either is worse, psychologically or physically.

I was about ten in South Africa, the kids next door started a stone fight, we retaliated, and it got a bit out of hand, lobbing mud clots over the walls of each other's houses.

I got really stressed, trying to sweep away the mess for hours, while Mum & Dad were out after work (we were pretty much latch-key kids).

Went to bed exhausted, job half-done, to be woken from a deep sleep by my parents telling me to "Get my swimming trunks on".

Diving in and out of the pool for an hour in the dark retrieving stones and mud, finally thinking it might be all over when Mum gave me a hot bath.

It wasn't over, this was followed by a deranged thrashing that lives in my memory as the worst I ever experienced.

I couldn't ever imagine even coming close to inflicting that kind of cruelty, physical or mental, on my kids.

I remember the look on my Mum's face just when I'd pushed her too far and a smack was soon to follow more than the voice or the actual smack. I love her dearly and I think she was probably absolutely shattered bringing up 3 kids with no help from our Dad (who lived at home, but did MEN things).

I remember both but agree with earlier poster that grudges are awful too. Remember reading in Penelope Leach book that after after an argument 'pull them in close' for a hug and explanation. Think thats good advice.