When you were a child was being shouted at or smacked the worst and which has had a lasting effect on you?

[theresonlyme]

I remember being kicked and hit by my foster mother but apart from her complaining I always had my nose in a book and looked pasty, I don't really remember her shouting at me.

rarely either but to this day I hate shouting

My mother was adept at meaningful silences which could carry on for days. I remember these most of all and I hated them. It is something I never do to my own children (although I do probably shout too much).

getting the belt, having our heads banged together and mum generally flying at me when she lost it was terrifying. But the long lectures where I ended up hating myself were worse I think. I would say that it has had a pretty profound effect on my life.

dd is like me, I treat her very gently as a result, have shouted at her maybe a handful of times tops and it devastates her.

The shouting I could just about cope with, but the fear of not knowing whether it was going to be followed by a good whack scared me the most.

I was only smacked once as a child (a very light tap on the hand), after breaking a vase, hiding the pieces, then lying about it and blaming my brother. It was done by my dad and it really scared me because he never got upset or angry with me.

Was shouted at a bit by my mother. Far worse though was emotional abuse from her - criticising, belittling, and depriving me of a 'normal' childhood.

Nickschick - feel so reading your posts. Good on you for having such a postive outlook despite all that.

I can only remember being smacked once - but it was a doozy and in hindsight richly deserved. Mum had made a perfect pavlova, for my grandmother's birthday. It was so lovely and she had said "Don't touch it" and put it in the back of the fridge (this is in Oz remember).

I touched it, not only did I touch it, I pulled it out, ate a heap of it and then to hide the evidence I fed the rest to the dog. I can't remember WHY I did this but I did.

The worst part of the whole experience wasn't the smacked bum or the being sent to my room and not being allowed to the party. I was my mother crying. It was a public holiday and no shops open to buy the stuff to replace it and she had worked really hard on the making/decorating (it was the Birthday Cake). I still can't bear for my mother to cry.

They can both be equally as bad depending on context.

My father was a violent drunk and used to beat the crap out of my mother in front of us. When I got to 14 he decided I was old enough to hit too and one day when my sister and I had flu he threw me down two flights of stairs because I was groggy and very out-of-it.

I was then taken to school where I spent 5 minutes before being taken to hospital with flu and concussion (large egg on head).

And my mother was very spiteful, used to do all sorts of cruel things to me like mocking me and making me uncomfortable - this was worse in hindsight.

17 years since I've spoken to either of them.

Both beatings and spitefulness had a lasting effect on me obviously.

I know I was smacked as a child but I can't actually remember any specific incidents. I can remember being shouted at though and I think for me that was worse. I've always found it makes me very uncomfortable to witness anyone shouting at anybody else, especially if it is in a discipline context.

My DP got the belt when he was growing up and despite being against "going that far" and basically having little to no respect for authority, he thinks that smacking is the only form of discipline that works. My views on it are more in the middle than that, so I hope we can come to a compromise. DS is only 4m so not an issue yet.

Oh and to add, my mum slapped my face once and I felt really angry about that for ages - whereas I never felt angry from being smacked on the bum.

WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake

I was only smacked once or twice, and only when I had deliberately done something I had been told not to do. It hasn't stayed with me as abuse or anything.

Neither parents are shouters.

What would stay with me was when one would say "we're very disapointed with what you have done, we expected more from you". Guilt trip worked fantastically on me!

My dad got hit with his father's walking stick, canes etc, so they were never really into physical violence with me, because it had caused somewhat of a rift between dad and grandad.

I can't get my heard round the OP!

Why would someone foster a child then kick and hit them?

Mum mum never shouted - although she did smack me a few times, when I had really, really pushed her.

I think my dad hitting me was worse, as I couldn't hit him back, but I could shout back at him.

I don't remember shouting really - only with me shouting back as well. Being smacked was humiliating and I remember that a lot.

I always remember the shouting, think my brother fared worse for smacks, but I don't remember any smacks but I definately got a few.

I hate the shouting more.

I remember instances of both. I wouldn't say that they have had a negative effect though. I have mostly happy memories, certainly an overall happy memory of childhood and a good relationship with my parents now. Everything they did, the bad as well as the good, is tempered by the relationship as a whole IMO. Which I try to remember when I am a less than perfect parent myself.

I'm not sure. We always got sent to the bathroom to be hit. My mum always did the thrashings, never my dad. She used to use wooden spoons (until she broke too many) then she bought a special paddle thing called 'whack stick'. Always got me that she used to say 'you don't hit a child until she cried, or until she says sorry but until she repents' so thrashings always went something like 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' 'That's NOT GOOD ENOUGH' whack whack.

My mum never really shouted, she just was an expert at the icy cold silent treatment, and that was the worst, because you didn't know what you'd done to deserve it.

FWIW I think she regrets it now, as she says there are lots of things that she wishes she could undo about the way she raised us. (Her mum was the same with her when she was little)

Oh, silence and shouting.
Could be days of silence, monosyllabic, monotone voice so that the tension grew and grew until it was almost a relief when the shouting came.
Very rarely smacked, but truly would have preferred a quick slap on the top of the thigh to the torment of waiting to see what was coming.
I don't underestimate the horror of physical abuse but there is also horror in absolute emotional rage and at 39, I can still be reduced to childlike terror by it. And I am now a mum
I find it very very hard not to assume that I have done something wrong if someone is 'quiet' with me.
In fact I spend a (too) large percentage of my time assuming I have done something wrong.

At the time belting, but shouting (or the things that were said) had a much longer lasting effect

Shouting without a doubt and tension in the air so you could cut it with a knife which lasted for days. weeks even. Even now as an adult I can feel my insides churning walking up the path wondering what I'm walking into and what reception I will get

I don't have any of these memories. i remember being shouted at when i was naughty, i remember being smacked very very occasionally, when i ran across a road or something.

she was a good mum until i was about 12.

I don't think either of them affected me worse than the other, unless it was UNFAIR. THe only tellings-off/ smackings I really remember were the unfair ones, where either I had really done nothing wrong, it was my bro or sis who refused to own up so we all got a smack until (usually) my bro gave in (GROSSLY unfair); or the punishment outweighed the crime (imo).

Still can't stand injustice.

Neither...mum didn't shout at me, nor hit me. She did my brother & sister tho. I used to pretend it was because I was such a good girl, that it wasn't necessary or because I was the youngest so I was 'let off the hook'

In reality it was because she didn't give a shit about me. Couldn't care less if I was disciplined or not, because not dealing with me fitted in with her not wanting me. She refused to take certain responsibilities with me, because I was only born because dad wanted me.

My discipline was mainly left to dad 'wait until your father gets home' where as, my sister remembers mum always disciplining her as does my brother.

Sometimes, I wish she had hit me/shouted at me,....might have meant she cared! I do remember her never having time for cuddles, but she had all the time in the world to cuddle my siblings. So I guess the with holding affection thing got me more.

Once I hit 15/16 she started making it known to me how much she resented me. Haven't spoken since I left home at 18 [or shortly after that]

Both but the hitting was worse.

we were regularly shouted at, called useless, mom used to lock herslef into her room for days with anger, even did this on my birthday one time, threatened to leave regularly, used to go missing and we'd have to try and find her in the car with dad, regularly shouted at us. It was so bad that if she entered a room we'd have to hop up and pretend to be busy or else we'd get brunt of her anger again. We were never allowed to bring friends home, the one time i was, she humiliated me in front of them.
The worse part is that we could never be good enough

my sister is hugely affected, me less so.

LS - only just found this again.

They wanted to foster for the status it would give them. Aren't they lovely taking in waifs and strays.