When you were a child was being shouted at or smacked the worst and which has had a lasting effect on you?

[theresonlyme]

I remember being kicked and hit by my foster mother but apart from her complaining I always had my nose in a book and looked pasty, I don't really remember her shouting at me.

I too forgive my mum. She didnt "know" better. She was depressed. I love her very much. But this doesnt mean the damage has not been done.

Sometimes, in my most darkest hours, I think I should never have had kids. I tell everybody who wants to listen what a fantastic childhood I had (on the outside it was) and how I want to give my own children the same fantastic upbringing, thinking about trips away, walking in mountains. But really, I have crap to relate to. I dont know what a good mum does in all the different circumstances. I dont know a healthy way to react to my own childrens behaviour. I just tripwire. And then I plummet into a dark and lonely place after. Like today.

Sorry I seem to be dragging the thread down. Will be off it now.

Come back QS. You are helping and this was never going to be a happy jolly thread.

I feel even worse now that I am doing such a shite job as I really wanted to be a good mum.

My foster mother and natural mother weren't depressed. Just crap.

I am depressed but still crap.

it's a difficult thing to talk about QS,..(i blank alot of it out)....and like you, alot of my childhood was fantastic,....she just couldn't cope sometimes.

I kind of got 'ignored'.

I never really got smacked very often, shouted at occasionaly.

But my Mum and dad had lots of sulks with each other and this horrid atmosphere would descend on the house, and no one would dare talk to each other.

I hated that, and make sure it never happens in my family now. We always clear the air after an argument.

No ones crap, I went through a stage were I was shouting alot so I made the active decission to play a board game/games or do something fun with my dc's every night so hopefully they will remember having lots of fun with me too

As well as all the other things you do for them too!

I lived in 2 children's homes and numerous foster homes. I remember being happy in one. My mother didn't like that I was settled so I had to move.

I feel so useless most a lot of the time.

My mum very rarely smacked me, but frequently shouted. I think that was partly because she got stressed. It certainly happened far more after she returned to work (when I was about 9/10) and was having to work and keep everything going in the house.

The smacking was so rare that I don't think it had much effect. The shouting has certainly had an effect - it has made me very uncomfortable with shouting, and I still feel scared to some extent of people who shout a lot.

I had a similar childhood. Very violent father and passive mother. It has shaped me considerably in that I am a doormat, have night terrors, still cannot walk past my dad without flinching and ruin every relationship I am in because I am used to living on a rollercoaster. Compared to my siblings though I got off lightly and am now having counselling. Feel very guilty when I talk about him though as if he is watching me. He has mellowed with age though and is a reasonable grand parent............

I also shout......... and I mean ball but never hit. I am frightened I would lose control. But they look scared and I hate myself for that......

Habbibu - the 'Gorgon stare' was used in our house too.

As a parent myself, I look back and know fully that 90% of my parent's discipline was entirely neccessary and from love, and I hope my kids can do the same - realise that human error and stress have an impact, but that guidance and discipline can be acts of love too.

Some of the tales here are sad and upsetting, but some are also positive - you might think the experience didn't improve you, but if the remembrance holds us back even only now and then from treating our children with unfairness then that is something to hang on to.

I sometimes wonder if the pendulum will swing the other way in my childrens' childrearing years, and they'll be on here bemoaning the relative liberality of their upbringing.

We were shouted at and smacked but the worst for me was the silent treatment while everyone got treated as normal - really hurt, sometimes went on for a day or 2.

I remember my mum wacking me in the nose cusing me to spurt blood all over the floor outside a pub the landlady came out with tissue for me.

I remember my stepfather hitting me so hard with a cane on my bottom i was afraid to go to the loo in case my bottom split.

I remember still being awae one night at about 9pm and my mum kept plunging my head in and out of cold water in the sink.

I remember my stepfather wrestling me to the ground and forcing cheese dip into my mouth furious with anger that i simply didnt like it.

I remember every time being told i was going into a childrens home,being told i was to blame for my mums health.

Now although my sons do misbehve (they are kids thats their job)they have been smacked occasionally but i never say or do nything i cant take back or justify.

physical or emotional it all bruises the soul.

nickschick

Nick, how awful.

Its awful to you -cos you know thats not normal but at the time I thought thats how everyones mum and dad were......my mum died in 1986 and my stepfather beat me and threw me out at 17.

but theres a positive side to it all by deliberately making choices not to be the same as my mum,I live a much healthier life,I met my dh and this year will have been with him 18 years we have 3 sons who Im very proud of -they are my markers to people to prove what I came from didnt make me as person,I will never feel 'alone' knnowing theres 3 bits of me in my sons.

I wont say me and dh are blissfully happy life isnt that way and because ive never had a role model I am almost blind in my role ....but we muckle along and nothing gave me more pride than when my eldest son was asked to write about someone who inspires him-hes 15 he could have writen about any number of celebrities and heroes and my son chose ....me.

So whilst theres a part of me bruised from childhood theres also a part of me stronger and happier than my mum could ever be, I dont hate her (if you can hate a deceased parent) I pity her all the wasted chances.

I was the same. I thought all kids didn't live with their parents.

I have much more horrid memories of being yelled at, and I was more terrified of yelling and shouting than be smacked. I do know mum smacked my legs when I was younger, but I don't really remember. I do remember being shouted at though.

We got both when we were kids.
Amongst the shouting was swearing, swearing that two blokes in a pub room brawl would use.
This was if they were shouting or not though, they swore all of the time.

So now, neither me nor DH swear anywhere near children.

Hitting was also quite frequent but the only way that they knew how to discipline.

I was shouted at and smacked. But I don't think either have had a particularly lasting effect on me. It was kind of the norm when and where I grew up. Nothing particularly violent or hideous. Just frustrated parents at the end of their tethers.

The only time I shout at my DCs is when there is iminent danger or they're suddenly under my feet and I shout a loud, "Oh my word!" in surprise.

I've smacked DS's bottom three times which, I've concluded, was a pointless exercise. But I have smacked his hands twice too - once when he was going to touch the hot oven and once when he brought down a toy car hard on his week old baby sister's head.

I wonder if he'll remember me shouting or hitting.. . . . ..

Being thumped wasn't pleasant, but being routinely humiliated and denied the ability to make decisions of my own was worse tbh.

Good on you Nick.

I hated both passionately. I know my mum was depressed. I partly forgive her and partly don't. I'm surprised at myself how muchit has affected me. I think some kids are more resilient to these things than others. Now I really struggle and agonise over dicipline.

the smacks i had from my dad were neither here nor there, but that was because i quickly learned he was bad tempered, and nothing i did was right, so i expected it. When my mother or grandpa shouted at me (which was rare) it was awful, because i knew i had done something enough to cause them to shout, and i respected them so much, knowing i'd upset them was dreadful.

So, for me shouting was worse, but because i respected (not feared) the people doing it more.