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Parenting

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Original poster

Opinions please on this email I have sent to my DH on our parenting styles

76 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:01

I had a difficult day yesterday with DD going off on one. I did not sleep last night wondering how to deal with it. This morning she was all attitude again and whilst I was trying to deal with it I asked DH if he could quickly give DS his breakfast (a bowl of cereal). Anyway ... here's the email I'm sending him

^This morning I asked for your help and got none. Instead was met with the mysogynistic reply of "I have to go out to work". I didn't realise I'd married someone with such Victorian attitudes. It would have taken you 20 seconds to pour some crispies into a bowl and give your son his breakfast.

I needed your support but all I got was criticised in my handling of the situation and then over-ruled. This does not present a united front in the disciplining of our children and leaves me with even more of a mess to sort out once you are out the door. If you thought I was handling it wrong then the time for discussion about it is when the kids are not around.

I had already given DD the rules. I do not need you to come steaming in armed with only half the facts and making me out to be useless, weak and stupid in front of our children.

I'm sorry to be emailing this to you at work but you leave me no option as when I try to have conversations these days, you rarely let me get my point over if it's something you don't want to hear.

We both have hard jobs to do, today you made mine all the harder.^

Don't know if I should say anything about him just being a fairweather husband

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DaddyJ · 22/01/2009 10:07

Good, strong email.
Gets your point and your feelings across.

If you fire it off now make sure
you make the time to discuss it tonight -
don't let it fester.

I would leave 'fairweather husband' out
although I understand why you might feel that way.

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:10

Thanks Daddy.

OP posts:

ranting · 22/01/2009 10:11

I agree with Daddyj, I would leave the fairweather husband bit out, simply because your letter is clear, concise and to the point and you're inviting discussion on the issue in a reasonable way.

Mentioning that he's a fairweather husband would, I think, put him on the back foot and make him get all defensive and you really need to discuss it with him calmly.

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LaDiDaDi · 22/01/2009 10:14

I would leave out the fairweather husband bit, it makes it seem like you're trying to annoy him rather than invite discussion. I would actually try to sign off with something positive eg Love Volupta.

PuppyMonkey · 22/01/2009 10:15

I wouldn't send it tbh. You need to talk to each other in person. Sending a formal email like that to your husband is a bit odd imho. You could always email something along the lines of "Please can we have a proper talk this evening, I'm very upset."

kingprawntikka · 22/01/2009 10:15

I think sending an e-mail to your husband is a really bad idea unless that is a way you normally communicate with each other. If I felt I needed to e-mail my husband like this then I would be very concerned about our ability to communicate with each other and about our relationship in general. I think he will see it as you telling him off , and be angry and defensive.

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:20

Puppy and King, I see your points but sadly trying to have a discussion about such things these days, like it says in the email, is difficult as I never feel that I get a chance to put my point across. Sad but true.

Previous attempts at discussion have been met with the comment from him "just go to your bed if you are tired". Erm at 8pm in the evening I'm not that tired. It's just his way of not wanting to discuss the issue and yes it probably does indicate a more serious underlying problem in our communication.

OP posts:

taliac · 22/01/2009 10:23

I think you've got to start somewhere..

PuppyMonkey · 22/01/2009 10:27

But I don't think that email will help the situation at all.

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:28

Well I've sent it now and he has replied that we can discuss it later.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 22/01/2009 10:29

I agree with Puppy
Not only beacause you 2 need to find a way to communicate effectively, but also the issue could then become about the email, and not his lack of support.

purpleduck · 22/01/2009 10:30

oops too late.

Well, i do hope that it could open up a discussion for you two.

Perhaps you could start by asking him what he believes his role is/should be?
How does he want his relationship with his children to be?

flimflammum · 22/01/2009 10:31

I know it's very tempting to send the email, and it does get your points across very strongly, but I think it would be much better in person. He's bound to get defensive and fire you back something worse. But if, as you say, he doesn't listen, then perhaps a compromise might be to print out the email and ask him to read it in front of you this evening. That way you will know he will have taken in all your points, but you will be able to discuss it and defuse any misunderstandings.

If you want to rewrite it to make it less likely to get him angry and defensive, you could try the following technique:

Describe the behaviour that you have a problem with (without using emotive or accusing words if possible).

Describe how this makes you feel.

Give him some 'recommendations' on how you would prefer him to behave next time.

(Now I should follow my own advice and not just have shouting matches with my own DH )

BonsoirAnna · 22/01/2009 10:31

Your email was way too bossy .

If you would like your DH to be more helpful, you really do need to "win him over" not boss him around.

Poledra · 22/01/2009 10:31

Voluptua, I have done something similar (sent an e-mail), about DH's lack of help in the morning (when I was working FT too). It did help us - sometimes it's good to be able to set out calmly what your issues are, so that you can then address them face to face later. I hope this gets you the result you need.

moopymoo · 22/01/2009 10:31

Can really understand you wanting to fire this off, but it is quite a full on tone. I know that this would shut my dh down rather than make him open up. And he would be very pissed off with me adding to the stress of his day. The 'your son' is a bit passive aggressive. Mornings are major flashpoints in this house too.

Lemontart · 22/01/2009 10:32

Ouch - while sending the email you will be getting your views across BUT worry that it will be the expense of rational discussion. I doubt your husband would read that (while busy at work) and come home with a bunch of flowers with a "oh I am so sorry darling, I have been such a cad..".
It is clear and concise BUT it is also very confrontation and angry sounding which is possibly going to lead to a defensive and angry response.
Personally I think waiting until he is away from work, relaxed and face to face to make these points. I know you are angry but I have a really bad feeling about you sending that email. Reasoned discussion where you tell him how you are feeling, listen to him telling you how he is feeling etc etc and talking through how you can support each other is far better than sending angry emails.

Lemontart · 22/01/2009 10:33

sorry x posts - so you have sent it! Hope I am totally wrong and it opens the door to discussions.
Good luck!

2pt4kids · 22/01/2009 10:34

I often send DH an email when I am upset about something he has done/hasnt done.
We talk often, but also often things go in one ear and out the other when he has work or something else on his mind.
Kick starting a conversation with an email really emphasises how much something has upset me or how important it is to me, I have found and it really does work in allowing us to have a proper face to face conversation about what is wrong later on that night.

I probably would have sent a longer email explaining the bad day before and sleepness night as background to why he was coming across as so unhelpful but perhaps you already spoke about that in person?

Hope you have a good chat tonight and get it sorted out.

georgimama · 22/01/2009 10:35

I think it is a really really really bad idea to inititate that kind of conversation by email.

And what Lemontart said.

PuppyMonkey · 22/01/2009 10:35

Yes, hope it goes well when you talk properly tonight.

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:35

Hi Bonsoir .

I'd never considered it to be bossy. Does it appear that way to anyone else?

OP posts:

moopymoo · 22/01/2009 10:35

yes bossy. sorry.

PuppyMonkey · 22/01/2009 10:37

Not necessarily bossy, just very formal and cold.

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:39

'Formal and cold'

Oh dear

OP posts:

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