Opinions please on this email I have sent to my DH on our parenting styles

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

I had a difficult day yesterday with DD going off on one. I did not sleep last night wondering how to deal with it. This morning she was all attitude again and whilst I was trying to deal with it I asked DH if he could quickly give DS his breakfast (a bowl of cereal). Anyway ... here's the email I'm sending him

^This morning I asked for your help and got none. Instead was met with the mysogynistic reply of "I have to go out to work". I didn't realise I'd married someone with such Victorian attitudes. It would have taken you 20 seconds to pour some crispies into a bowl and give your son his breakfast.

I needed your support but all I got was criticised in my handling of the situation and then over-ruled. This does not present a united front in the disciplining of our children and leaves me with even more of a mess to sort out once you are out the door. If you thought I was handling it wrong then the time for discussion about it is when the kids are not around.

I had already given DD the rules. I do not need you to come steaming in armed with only half the facts and making me out to be useless, weak and stupid in front of our children.

I'm sorry to be emailing this to you at work but you leave me no option as when I try to have conversations these days, you rarely let me get my point over if it's something you don't want to hear.

We both have hard jobs to do, today you made mine all the harder.^

Don't know if I should say anything about him just being a fairweather husband

See, the problem is none of us know how Voluptua's DH will react to this. As I said, I have used this strategy with my DH, and it works well for us. I don't get all shouty and upset, and he does not get sulky. I envy those folks who can have calm reasoned discussions about their differences - sometimes we (DH and I) cannot get past our hurt/resentment/temper to do this so e-mail gets us past that point and into the discussion we need to have.

IF it works for you, go with it. Sounds like it might work for Voluptua's DH and her. Certainly hope so

I was about to post the same as Poledra.

Only he knows her and the situation well enough. It would appear from her later post that things are calming down. She has posted that she finds it hard to talk to him, and this email was her way of getting through without being shouted down or told to go to bed if she's tired. She also hints that he has emailed back in good humour.

I don't think the email was bossy - I can see how some might think it cold and formal, but I don't see it that way. And wouldn't it be worse to bang off (fnarr) a hot headed email, calling him a bastard or wailing and sobbing down the phone?

I don't believe this email was as a result on ONE TIME her dh didn't pour out some cereal - it's a result of their communication problem (which she acknowledges).

I think the email is fine.

I think you were right to send it.

If he won't talk, what else were you supposed to do?

Sometimes as email can be better than talking on the phone.

I've just realised that I didn't post the last line of the email I sent which said
"It would be nice if we could set some time aside tonight after the kids are in bed to discuss this properly" which was then followed by the love me x

To answer the various other questions ...

DD is in P1 and DS goes to nursery in the mornings so there is a time when we need to be out the door too. I do stay at home to look after the kids and normally I'm on top of it all in the mornings. I actually had gotten up earlier than normal today coz I couldn't sleep.

DD has been giving a lot of backchat recently. No matter what we have done or said, she has an answer to and it's usually given with attitude. The previous day I had picked her up from a friend's house and her behaviour and the way she spoke to me was frankly vile for a five year old.

I had already told her that she needs to speak more nicely else she doesn't get to play.

This morning when she got up she was being very backchatty again. Answer for everything, wouldn't let me explain anything (honestly it's like she has PMT). I knew the shouting and ignoring her wouldn't work so I was trying to attempt damage limitation so we would at least get out the door on time.
DH is usually away to work by this time but he had got up later today. Because he was there I calmly asked if he would get DS's rice crispies for him whilst I tried to calm DD down. After initially stating that he had his work to go to he then said that I shouldn't be helping DD and I was giving in to her (I was going to help her brush her teeth). She of course then kicked off even more because I'd said I'd help her brush her teeth and then DH was telling her to brush her own teeth. He also began shouting that I should just be telling her straight that she wasn't going to her friends again because of her behaviour. IMO this would not have calmed her down because there was no immediate cause and effect i.e. it's not like she was going to the friend's house right at that time.

From previous experience, if I had waited and attempted a mature discussion about it this evening, he would have done everything possibly to avoid it else just immediately start shouting/talking over me without me ever getting my point of view across.

Look, these things happen in all households, it really isn't quite the drama you're making it out to be, it'll blow over in a day. I think your last message tells a much fuller story ie that you're both under pressure and other factors are affecting your emotional responses. You must factor this in to the fall out of the argument.

I really think it's a bad idea to deal with these type of things via email. Imagine if you'd received that from him. After all you both have different opinions and he's entitled to his. Just because you do things differently doesn't make him immediately wrong.

If I had received an email from him in a similar vein I would not have objected to the email itself but I'd have been horrified that he felt so strongly about it and that I'd upset him so much. We are all different I guess and like someone mentioned it's a Venus/Mars thing.

He is entitled to his opinion of course and I'm entitled to mine, my point was that it wasn't constructive to discuss it heatedly in that situation as it only fuelled the flames.

I am amazed at how many people think that you shouldn't 'boss' or 'tell off' your partner or husband but instead wheedle or manipulate him into "changing his behaviour".

DH/DP is an adult and should be treated as such, if he does something that you find extremely unhelpful and makes you upset/angry then why not bloody well tell him so!

I am also shocked at the people who have replied with 'well you should change your morning routine then' as if it's somehow the OPs fault that her DP was rude and unhelpful!

I also don't see what's wrong either with an email that says 'i'm really p'd off about this morning and i want to talk when you get home' - at least then he has time to think about whether he is sorry or not and to prepare to discuss the matter.

In my experience (as a very non-angry person usually) is that the worst thing you can do is NOT say anything when you are angry or upset. You have to say you are annoyed in order to clear the air and move on.

In our relationship, we make time to talk i know i can tell me DP anything, even if he is annoying or not being helpful. and he will do the same back, yesterday being a prime example lol. however, sometimes we find writing it down easier to get our feelings out and then have a talk about it later once DD has gone to bed.

Good luck and i hope you work things out.

I just find email an incredibly confrontational way of dealing with a problem. To me it says, 'well I'll say my piece and then by the time we get to talk properly we'll have both calmed down but at least I've said what I wanted to'

If he's a shouter then let him say his piece and then calmly tell him that it's your turn and he will need to listen to you. I'm the shouter in our relationship and DH knows there is no point trying to 'discuss' anything with me while I'm ranting so will wait until I come up for air and then say his piece. Shouting is, in my case, an expulsion of energy and frustration, not an unwillingness to have a discussion.

fluffles - life is a negotiation. No-one should tell their partner (or anyone else) what to do. They need to convince them that what they would like them to do is in the very best interests of their partner also .

Actually I agree with fluffles. And in the OP's place I would have done the same.

My DH is very good at talking over me if it's anything that is not going to reflect well on him, and if he does something which pisses me off he will make it my fault or he will completely ignore it. I have no intention of wheedling him into anything - he's an adult. I would be insulted if someone tried to manipulate me into different behaviour; tell me straight if something I do annoys you and we can discuss it like adults.

If her dp/dh ignores or over-rides her attempts at discussion, then points have to be put in a form which he can't ignore. Otherwise, the result is one very very unhappy mum, two confused children, and probably a nasty divorce.

reading what you've written about this morning i have to say.... i don't think either of you is really in the right!

he's got a valid point about the way you deal with your dd, my friend has a very stroppy girl too and does what you do ie; giving in, trying to bargain, 'dealing with' as opposed to just punishing the behaviour. it does not work, at all. the child is getting more horrible by the day.

yes he should have discussed it with you away from the kids but i can understand how frustrated he must be by that behaviour and your giving in to it.

and writing such a weirdly formal email to your husband is unlikely to improve matters imo.

But I would NEVER get to say my piece ever if I did not send him an email.

The OP didn't ask if it was OK to do this by email but what you thought of the content. FWIW I do not regret in any way sending the email. Yes, sad as it may be to some, it's the ONLY way I can ever get my point over. Had I not done so then I would have sat festering all day and then had a hugely confrontational rant in the evening which IMO is more confrontational than a clearly worded email.

He could equally have said his piece back by email if he felt that strongly about something, it is a two way means of communication.

FWIW I don't think there was anything wrong with email as a mode of communication (or genre, perhaps?). But I would have changed the form and content a little .

I don't have an opinion on sending an email - I think it depends on your relationship and personalities. But... I do think your email and subsequent posts seem to imply that your issue isn't that you have differing parenting styles but that HE has a style that is different to yours and that you think it's wrong. And that would po my DP quicker than anything if he felt I was telling him how to do something without listening to his opinion - you want him to change all his parenting things eg how he greets the children in the evening etc etc? Is it worth going back to your original point to him which was that you feel you have different styles, but try to realise your way is not necessarily the only, or best, way?

Update for everyone. He came in and gave me a big cuddle. After the kids were in bed we had a very pleasant discussion with no acrimony or confrontation and agreed that we present a united front.

Hooray! I do love a happy ending.

good good. I txt or email my darling dh a lot, only time i know he listens/ hears me, then i can refer him back to it if he forgets, his memory is crap

And they all lived happily ever after

Very pleased for you. FWIW I admired your e-mail and thought it was a very good way to state your case without causing an argument.

Top result - glad it works for someone else too

ALl is well that ends well then. Sometimes email is a way to get a word in edgeways and make a point calmly.

Great to hear.

Ah, how fab. I was thinking about you two today!!! I must get myself a life of my own...