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Parenting

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Original poster

Opinions please on this email I have sent to my DH on our parenting styles

76 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:01

I had a difficult day yesterday with DD going off on one. I did not sleep last night wondering how to deal with it. This morning she was all attitude again and whilst I was trying to deal with it I asked DH if he could quickly give DS his breakfast (a bowl of cereal). Anyway ... here's the email I'm sending him

^This morning I asked for your help and got none. Instead was met with the mysogynistic reply of "I have to go out to work". I didn't realise I'd married someone with such Victorian attitudes. It would have taken you 20 seconds to pour some crispies into a bowl and give your son his breakfast.

I needed your support but all I got was criticised in my handling of the situation and then over-ruled. This does not present a united front in the disciplining of our children and leaves me with even more of a mess to sort out once you are out the door. If you thought I was handling it wrong then the time for discussion about it is when the kids are not around.

I had already given DD the rules. I do not need you to come steaming in armed with only half the facts and making me out to be useless, weak and stupid in front of our children.

I'm sorry to be emailing this to you at work but you leave me no option as when I try to have conversations these days, you rarely let me get my point over if it's something you don't want to hear.

We both have hard jobs to do, today you made mine all the harder.^

Don't know if I should say anything about him just being a fairweather husband

OP posts:

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georgimama · 22/01/2009 10:41

Bossy, formal and cold. You called him misogynistic and Victorian. Not nice, and if true, unlikely to prompt change.

OneLieIn · 22/01/2009 10:41

Voluptua, you sound like his mother - that you are telling him off. I personally think this kind of email will not invite discussion, but make him feel like a schoolboy.

I hope it goes well when you talk tonight.

ranting · 22/01/2009 10:41

I didn't think it was bossy, I have to say.

I also think if he won't sit down and talk to you, then he's left you with no option but to email him, it's not an ideal situation but it just might kick start him into discussing it with you.

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moopymoo · 22/01/2009 10:42

I think a defusing ' Look, we are both knackered and stressed, we both want to be good parents but sometimes we lock horns. I am tired down to my bones, something that an early night wont fix, and this can mean that I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I think we need a (voluptua) goodshag and I need Saturday to myself whilst you take both kids to mil/park/swimming/ where ever you bloody well like just not here, will put us back on track.' Not that I want to put words in your mouth or anything....

2pt4kids · 22/01/2009 10:42

Do you know what, if you are worried about it coming across bossy/formal/cold when thats not your intention then fire off a quick brief reply to his reply message and just say
'Thanks for agreeing to chat tonight, really appreciate it. Will be much better if we can get through this tough time with DD together!
Sorry if my first email came across bossy (I just re-read it!), I'm just stressed out by this whole situation, but feel much better now we've set a time to talk and work it out together' x
Obviously those are my words, but that sort of thing in your own words would calm things down and get you what you want imo

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:43

Ah well - it is coming up to Burns night after all. His quote of "to see ourselves as others see us" might be appropriate for me here

OP posts:

Brangelina · 22/01/2009 10:43

I think it's fine. It's not bossy, just concise and to the point. I've done the same in the past as my DP sometimes suffers from selective hearing and faulty comprehension so I find this an excellent method of getting my point across without him going on the defensive. And yes, on a couple of occasions he has come home and apologised.

The only critique I would make is it's always better to end these things with a positive note slung in there somewhere. Something like "I do love you but please understand this is wearing me out"

purpleduck · 22/01/2009 10:44

BTW,
is he normally helpful, or was this a one off?

Paperchase · 22/01/2009 10:44

I think you sound like a woman on the brink and in need of some help from your useless dh. I don't think you sound bossy.

I hope it makes him take some notice - but only your dh can tell you what he infers from the email. I would hope he would take it on face value and not try to read between the lines.

Good for you for sending it.

kitbit · 22/01/2009 10:47

It does seem a bit formal however maybe in the Mars/Venus thing a presentation of the facts might be the clearest way for him to grasp what's going on?

Doesn't seem bossy to me, I would say it was strongly worded but I think that's a good think given how you feel. Better that, than going down the route of hysteria! Good luck with your chat x

beansontoast · 22/01/2009 10:49

you sound really ...umm...pissed off!

at the risk of missing some of the subtlties of your situation,im going to say that this sort of thing is just what can happen in our house and is just how i feel...and is just what i have resorted to! (ie a pretty angry email)

on the whole it doesnt work! dp never apologises when i sound so (albeit justifiably)grumpy/attacking.

we definitely have communication problems...mainly because he cannot process any information when it is delivered angrily/huffily or with any kind of slur on him!

and he certainly doesnt change his behaviour if i sigh or shriek!

so in one sense im really grateful that you ahev posted your email,because from this distance i can see how horrid it would be to receive! (believe me i have sent worse!)

but the other day i did what flum suggested

which was to CALMLY/serenely
a...state the behaviour
b...say how it made you feel
c...say what you would have liked him to do

...then when i was met with silence i said..'mmm? do you think?''

and he said ''yeah....SORRY'!!!!!!

HT sort of H

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 22/01/2009 10:53

Well his reply did include a little saying that we sometimes say to each other in love and fun and it usually is a white flag moment when one of us says that after a fall-out. I did sign my original one with my usual 'love me x'

He can be helpful but in his own way. It's hard to explain, but if I ask him to do something he usually goes on the defensive, as if I'm having a go at him. This is not the case. This morning I asked him politely and endearingly but got such an awful reply.

Other things he does with the kids is when he comes home, he does a lot of rough (too rough) and tumble greetings with them. When they are reduced to tears because of his over exuberance they come running to me and he dis-entangles himself from the situation leaving me to deal with two crying kids whilst I'm trying to make the dinner.

When I ask him to be a tad less full on as the result isn't helpful I get hrumphs and tuts. I find it difficult to understand that he cannot equate the kids tears being a result of his behaviour.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 22/01/2009 11:05

Is he the analytical type?
Would he respond better to knowing what he is responsible for on an ongoing basis?

violethill · 22/01/2009 11:32

Cold, formal and bossy!

Sorry, but I just don't really 'get' the email thing - seems far better to have a proper talk.

Without knowing all the ins and outs, none of us can actually comment about whether you're being unreasonable in what you're asking DH to do. Yes, you may have had a bloody awful day yesterday, and it seems like he could easily sort out breakfast for your DC, but from his point of view, he's probably stressed, worried about getting out of the door on time for work etc.
This can easily become a classic tit for tat.

Make a time to sit down and discuss reasonably what your expectations are. This will depend on your circumstances. As a guide line, if I was at home all day and DH working, then I would expect to sort out the kids' breakfast and morning routine. At the end of the day, there are far less pressures in terms of time when one parent is home all day. School runs are far later than normal starting work times, and if your children aren't at school yet, then you don't really have to be anywhere on time do you? If both parents work full time, then you need an equal division of labour in the home. If one is full time and one part time, then adjust accordingly. It's just common sense really.

Sounds like you've reached deadlock though, and you need to get this sorted

UnquietDad · 22/01/2009 11:35

I agree with those who say the email is far too formal and bossy. I'd be furious if I got that from my DW. It would get my back up more than name me inclined to help or talk.

Have a Big Serious Talk by all means, but the effect of an email where you say everything you want to say, without hearing anything he says, is quite hectoring.

UnquietDad · 22/01/2009 11:36

that should say "more than make me", sorry

VersdeSociete · 22/01/2009 11:42

I don't think that that email is necessarily "cold, formal and bossy". It depends on so many factors to do with how you communicate generally and whether you need to couch it in these terms to signal that this really is serious and needs to be dealt with. In some situations / with some individuals / in some relationships a more wheedling or ingratiating tone might not be appropriate. I don't think it's possible to generalise so much. the fact that you got what appears to be a constructive resposne suggests to me that you did not misjudge it!

Acinonyx · 22/01/2009 11:44

I have used letters and emails in situations where I don't feel I will be heard otherwise (not with dp as it happens). The other party is then free to reply so they can also be heard - by whatever means they prefer.

I don't think the email was unreasonable if you generally feel it is difficult to get your points heard. It's one of the advantages of these kinds of message boards - everyone has time to read and reflect.

VersdeSociete · 22/01/2009 11:49

Also the kind of "How to Talk so Kids etc" - type response to an adult's behaviour doesn't work in my own household. We've both read the book and we both know when the other person is doing it...

UnquietDad · 22/01/2009 11:49

It's a bit "this is an argument I have worked on and honed and presented as a formal package and possibly got other people's input into, and you will read it and learn."

But I'm not saying what's right and wrong here and they definitely need to talk.

VersdeSociete · 22/01/2009 11:54

Yes but some folk actually respond better to a well-presented and honed position paper than to anything else. We are many and various...

cornsilk · 22/01/2009 11:54

I would be angry if I received that email.

UnquietDad · 22/01/2009 12:02

It's fair enough, she knows how her DH will react better than I do. Just saying how I'd react.

VersdeSociete · 22/01/2009 12:08

Ah, but hopefully you would have poured those crispies (krispies?) in the first place, UQD...

cat64 · 22/01/2009 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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