What advice would have helped when you had a newborn and were feeling down?

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Just spoke to a friend who has a 2 week old and she sounds really down. I said I'd go over and see her tomorrow but she said she'd rather come to me as she wants to get out.

She said her DS isn't sleeping much and she's knackered.

I just want to be able to cheer her up a bit but not sure what I can say apart from telling her that it does get better.

I would have loved a friend without a child to offer to walk to the shops with me, the panic of "what do i do if i need a wee" or how will i cope if baby starts crying or needs changing would have been easier with a friend.
Even going out for a coffee with the baby and not have that dilema of "do i leave the baby at a table or risk spilling hot coffee all over my baby"
Actually would still be nice now lol

Sleep would have helped. Someone just minding the baby for an hour while I kipped would have been wonderful!

Someone to tell me that i should just go with the flow would have been good too! I tried so hard to keep the house clean, do all the baby stuff, shop, cook, garden, iron - when really you just have to look after the baby and muddle through. YOu can't do everything to your usual standards in the early months - you end up virtually killing yourself!

When I had DD, my first, I had a 'day out' at a friends house. Was very cabin fever-y as couldn't drive due to CS, DD was not a happy baby and hardly slept at all. I was given lots of cups of tea, slabs of cake and time to chat, and couldn't get swept up in washing etc as I wasn't at home...it was lovely.

With DS, now 14w, best thing anyone can do for me is take DD out for a couple of hours! he's a much happier baby and he sleeps, so I usually can nap/ do a bit of ironing/ eat cakes and crisps without toddler stealing them. The other thing was when someone just cuddled him for me and gave him back for feeds - he was born 17th Dec so I wrote the christmas cards while inlaws coo'ed over him.

I remember, both times, looking forward to when the MW and HV would stop coming, so that I could stop trying to clean so often We're back to a 'before' scene from Kim and Aggie now, heart sinks when I get unexpected visitors. I would rather go to a friends house or meet somewhere neutral with changing facilities, like a costa coffee or something.

i definitely agree with getting out. my oldest dd was very hard work and i don't think i was expecting anywhere near the upheaval there was. i wanted to get everything done every day, but you can't and it just makes you frustrated. now i have a new 3 month old dd and i don't expect too much of myself. when she was new born i would either cook, wash up or do laundry. and when i got more than one thing done it was a bonus.

those 3 months when my eldest had colic felt like forever and i know there was no way anyone could convince me things would get better. i fould group cbt very helpful (for pnd), it was a refreshing break from all the women at mums and tots telling me about their perfect babies. we could properly discuss our feelings about our babies, without being looked at as though we were terrible mothers

dietcokebreak you have reminded me that one of my best days in early newborn days was going into town with a good friend for a couple of hours. Came back knowing I knew where there was a good place to feed (lovely nursing room in mothercare), baby changing room and where I could go to the loo with a baby. Plus had a lovely coffee and a chat in the real world with someone there to help with the baby. Made the idea of going out on my own with DS much less daunting.

For OP I think good company, a bit of spoiling, nice food and reassurance that everyone is overwhelmed at the beginning however sorted they seem will all help. Cuddling baby while she drinks her tea/eats lunch and changing any dirty nappies would also have gone down well with me.

• she can stay in her pjs all day if she wants (i was obsessed with being dressed and showered by 9am, i read it in a book that you should be)

• the baby may not sleep in the day, at all, or just for half hour intervals. People to this day still tell me that newborns sleep all day and are boring, I wish somebody had told my son that.

• It is very hard if you are a control freak, as they cannot be controlled

• Toddlers are the most amazing things in the world and it isn't bad to not like the newborn / baby phase, it gets so so so much easier.

• don't necessarily sleep when the baby sleeps, especially if you can't, take some time to indulge yourself instead.

I think I need to save this thread to read back when dc2 appears in the summer... With dd I was the first of my friends to have a baby, had terrible pnd and just felt rubbish all the time but there are fantastic words of wisdom here, thank you!

If she is worried about having a nap whilst cuddling her baby offer to sit in the room with her and read a book so you can make sure baby is 'safe' whilst she sleeps. I know some people who are so worried that they might hurt their baby in their sleep that they wouldn't be able to rest but I think a lot of babies sleep a bit better in their mother's arms.

Other option is to cuddle the baby for her whilst she zones out on the internet for half an hour. I know I really relished this at that stage because i know where DD was, knew she was safe but didn't have to talk to anyone or even think much.

Tell her that the seemigly unrewarding experience that is nothing like the magical two way mother-baby relationship she was hoping for has not happened yet because the first month or so is all about sleeping, feeding and squawking. Give it a couple of weeks and she'll get the first smile and then it's upwards from there. It's hard to take care of a demanding newborn and "get nothing back" and I didn't realise that's how it had been until he smiled and really seemed to notice me. It's tough in hindsight, if you can spell this out it might help her to see that this too shall indeed pass!

What whippet said - I found the toughest was the guilt about you MUST never fall asleep on the sofa, baby must NEVER fall asleep face down, etc. So enabling them both to nap on the sofa might help a lot.

And a bag of nutritious snacks for her to take home. Friend told me that every breastfeed during the night should be accompanied by a bar of Dairy Milk. I got given a box of alcoholic chocs and a pile of homemade powerhouse cookies, which fulfilled the same role and the cookies (wholegrain filled with seeds and fruit) probably perked me up no end.

Oh yes, if she's trying to follow Gina FOrd or similar and despairing becaause her baby won't nap when he's supposed to, tell her to chuck the book out...it's not her, it's the bonkers book that doesn't work for most babies!

My new ds is a whole 13 weeks old now but newborn-ness feel only 2 seconds ago and one of my best friends came to mine to amuse me the day my husband went to work after paternity leave, she wouldn't let me do a thing, cooked lunch, waited on me hand and foot and even did a massive pile of washing up without even asking - it was the nicest thing in the world and won't forget it....

I havent read all the other replies so it might've already been said, but best advice anyone could have given me would have been:
"Its ok to feed him constantly. Dont worry about cuddling him too much, you wont spoil him. STOP OBSESSING about that bloody Baby Whisperer book!!"

I would not have listened though, I'm certain. First few weeks of your first baby are really really hard, it is such a shock when you realise you know nothing, despite hours of viewing baby programmes on discovery health....

not to read lots of baby care books that tell you what you should be doing and when and make you feel like a freak if your child is not in a strict routine by 4 weeks

to let her know that although it feels like forever, it is only for a short time, it will get easier

to get out, even if the baby cries - being out is always easier

to meet others in the same postion but not to compare yourself negatively to them, new mums can be competitive

not worry about house work, the baby bubble should be cherished - live off ready meals if you have tc

cash in all the help that is offered, don't feel embarrassed about saying "yes please"

Offer to sit with baby while she has a bath. I have a 4yr old and a two week old and my DP is working away in the week. I try and have a quick shower while DS1 is in school/bed and DS2 is asleep but always worry they will wake up and I wont hear them so end up rushing. It would be lovely to have a nice relaxing soak!

Oh and if she does want to read a book about being a mother (although it's probably the last thing on her mind) 'What mothers do: especially when it looks like nothing' by Naomi Stadlen is lovely, it's a bit like this thread: lots of quotes from mums, plus a gentle look at how all that feeding/waking in the night/hovering/cuddling/gazing you do with a newborn is giving them a fantastic start in life. And that it's knackering.

It's not a 'how to' or a parenting manual, I found it a good tonic for all the 'how to' books.

can you give me advice regarding dummies for my grandson who is 10 weeks old. he has started NOT to sleep during the day. is it ok to put him in his cot in parents bedroom as he has outgrown his moses basket.

sustew it might be better if you post this as a new question in Parenting, as this is quite an old thread and you're likely to get more responses with a new question. Sorry, have no idea on dummies!

call to her with food and mind the baby while she has a bath , my sisters and friends called nearly every second day to me when i had my first and i really looked forward to having a shower with out worrying about the baby. just having someone there to listen and tell me i was doing a great job was such a help.

Give her a proper meal, n ot just cakes!

I have a friend - mother of three - whose rule for post-natal visitors is "No entry without pie".

Someone told me when I was going through it that the first three months are like being a war zone. Knowing that helped keep me sane.

The mess, the noise, the lack of sleep, the trauma, the sniping (parental) - all perfectly normal. Good to know!

Make sure your iron levels are up - anaemia makes tiredness so much worse. A liquid supplement like Spatone doesn't cause constipation.

Also, it's okay to put baby down and let him/her cry for 5 minutes while you go off and make a cup of tea/eat something/go to loo. You need to look after you as well as the baby.

Tell her she's doing a great job, the baby is beautiful and thriving (it helped me when people told me that). I'd also offer to make cups of tea, bring some cake with you etc. I like the idea of offering to help her to get a nap - if she's ok with you taking the baby for a walk in its pram or something (some ladies are very protective and wouldn't like that, but you know your friend better than we do).

Also tell her to not worry about anything other than the baby and herself. Housework etc can wait.

Yep. A big lasagna/ shepherds pie for the freezer rocks (even if it's bought) and cake, biscuits. Pamper her as much as poss. I remember not having had a chance to have a bath and airdry my lady bits (the BEST way to heel those tears/ stitches!) Take her lead. I remember my decision-making abilities, particularly after DD2, had all but perished! Maybe multiple-choice!!! =D

Oh I wish someone has taken me aside and said 'Dont worry, the first 3 months can be a bit of a nightmare. Just lower your expectations of yourself right down and as long as you're caring for your baby in all the right ways, everything will be fine.'

Instead I was generally out and about during the day, my house was spotless, I hardly slept and I was racked with guilt about the fact that my heart wasnt singing with joy. Then at 3 months it literally suddenly got better and I felt like I'd woken up from a zombie state.

Am another person who got down by the constant advice to sleep when the baby sleeps. For one, I was always so amazed he was sleeping I couldn't sleep (10 weeks in & I still have that problem!) and also - what the hell are you meant to do when they don't bloody sleep! I second all the suggestions to visit, bring food & do some tasks - laundry or whatever - and don't let her change a single nappy! Keep visits brief - I remember a work colleague visiting and when DS dropped off in her arms and then continued to sleep in Moses basket she stayed on to chat! All I wanted was for her to leave so I could enjoy the silence!

Oh - and it's perfectly normal to think your DH/DP is a complete idiot who doesn't understand you and does everything wrong.