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Original poster

What advice would have helped when you had a newborn and were feeling down?

80 replies

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 20/01/2009 12:06

Just spoke to a friend who has a 2 week old and she sounds really down. I said I'd go over and see her tomorrow but she said she'd rather come to me as she wants to get out.

She said her DS isn't sleeping much and she's knackered.

I just want to be able to cheer her up a bit but not sure what I can say apart from telling her that it does get better.

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LoveMyGirls · 20/01/2009 12:52

If the baby is struggling to sleep at night I found swaddling under the arms helped dd2 feel much more secure and she would settle a lot quicker and even let me lie her in the cot/ moses basket.

Ask her if she wants you to come and pick her up so you can watch the baby while she has a shower and gets everything together?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/01/2009 12:55

I found no 2 a completely different experience- nowhere near so shell-shocked!

I would have hated someone to come along and take the baby out/ change nappies etc. I was so convinced that I was a crap mum for not having it all figured out yet, that that would have just made me think that other people had noticed how crap I was too and how badly I was coping, to the extent that they felt the need to jump in and take over, and that would have made me feel even worse!

Maveta · 20/01/2009 12:55

what would have helped me was less advice and someone actually coming over and making me get into bed and sleep

In fact my friend said one of her NCT friend's did exactly that for her when her ds was small and she was having a bad day and said she appreciated it so much.

If she needs to get out then have her over etc etc but I would still do the above aswell.

I totally exhausted myself in the first few months by trying to get out of the house and stick to some warped version of normality when what I NEEDED was to lie in bed.

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ipanemagirl · 20/01/2009 12:56

I would call her often to chat, you sound like areally good friend!

I think the early weeks can be overwhelming, i would take comfort food and just spend time with her and maybe try to get her to talk openly about how she's feeling, there's no need to offer solutions, just getting her to talk might be all she needs imo!

Gateau · 20/01/2009 13:00

If she's up for it arrange to meet up every week, or more often if you both want to.
It will give her something to look forward to and she will know she can properly vent her feelings to you.

NormaJeanBaker · 20/01/2009 13:01

Let her come to you if she wants to get out. She might want a practise going somewhere friendly before she starts more challenging outings. She can go for a lie down at your house while you make friends with the baby if she'd knackered. My Dad, apparently took my crying cousin walking around and around the house and garden for three hours so her mum could rest and have a break. She never forgot it.

usedtoreadbooks · 20/01/2009 13:32

I found that the baby blues lasted about 3 weeks rather than the 3-4 days all the books claimed, and it would have been helpful to have heard that wasn't unusual. Also, the practical thing that would have been helpful was someone keeping track of the overwhelming number of presents DD had been sent, so I could relax about writing thank yous when I felt ready instead of trying to remember everything. Helpful things people did included housework, making me nap with a promise to wake me if I was needed, friendly phonecalls (text first), supplying me with audiobooks to keep me awake for night-time feeds, doing food (although I am a fussy eater and insisted on planning the meals myself). The best advice I got was to try to get out of the house every day, and I felt best when I managed that in the morning.

I hope your friend feels better soon!

LittleOneMum · 20/01/2009 13:43

My advice is to have a mantra. mine was 'this too will pass'. for me the horrid times lasted 3 months and then my DS slept better and all seemed better.

LittleOneMum · 20/01/2009 13:43

My advice is to have a mantra. mine was 'this too will pass'. for me the horrid times lasted 3 months and then my DS slept better and all seemed better.

ipanemagirl · 20/01/2009 13:52

good advice LittleOneMum

zookeeper · 20/01/2009 13:55

To sleep whenever possible. the housework can wait. Everything seems worse when you are tired.

yomellamoHelly · 20/01/2009 14:15

The first 3-4 weeks with ds1 were awful. One of my ways of getting through it was to walk into town with dh (where he worked then) and go for a coffee. Most often he'd scream the place down. One time a lovely lovely lady came and offered to walk the floor with him so I could at least drink my coffee in peace. She can only have had him for ten minutes maximum, but I SO needed that headspace and I was so grateful.

SydneyB · 20/01/2009 14:21

Just tell her that everyone feels like this! It is totally normal and even if people look they're coping, they're probably in tears a lot of the time as well. Sleep deprivation can send you mad on its own let alone all the other worries. I'd hate someone to come and clean my house to be honest, I'd just feel embarrassed and going somewhere else to be waited on would suit me down to the ground but each to their own. Second time around it's ten times easier. It's the toddler who's the tricky one!

subtlemouse · 20/01/2009 14:25

This too will pass...

(Oh, and if you didn't like babies much before having one, it is not completely weird to still not like them much once you have - but they stop being babies relatively soon and then you get an actual person instead which is a big improvement.)

naomi83 · 20/01/2009 14:29

let her come to you, and sit and watch a girly vid and drink hot chocolate whilst the baby sleeps on you (you are so much more chilled than she is, and this will chill baby, explain this so she doesn't feel like a crap mum!) Then send her home with a frozen home meal (my fave for new mums is meatballs-lots of iron) and a yummy cake

Twims · 20/01/2009 14:31

Sobloodystupid - love the idea of sending flowers in a couple of weeks - a friend has just had her baby today and have tesco delivering a couple of bags of goodies tomorrow for her but have now ordered some flowers to be sent to her in a couple of weeks - and better yet they come with free chocolates

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 20/01/2009 14:41

Thanks for all the ideas - she was very insistent on coming here. I don't think she will be worried about the state of her house as she knows I am a total slattern,

I'm now worrying about the state of my house and don't have the excuse of a newborn!

But I will definetly make her a nice lunch and tell her about mumsnet as well!

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 20/01/2009 17:01

I would say ask her what SHE feels like doing! I kept getting nagged by DH to have naps, but as I'm not a good napper I would either be unable to, or end up feeling groggy and worse than before. I much preferred if I could get a bit of relaxing time to read, have a bath and things like that rather than being pressured into sleeping. Also, if she doesn't want you to come to hers, it might be because she is feeling trapped in the house, so it might be that she would much rather go shopping round town, out for a meal or something fun rather than staying home. Although some people like to stay in and sleep/snuggle, it doesn't work for everyone!
And don't offer wine till you know if she is BFing, else she might not be very grateful

sobloodystupid · 20/01/2009 21:10

Twims, I spose once the flow of visitors and presents stopped then there was this vacuum. For me,to get flowers out of the blue when I was having a down day made me really appreciate them (plus all my "old" flowers were well wilted!)

Ruthie22 · 28/03/2009 21:02

what a great thread!

it is such a relief to hear people talking about what hard work it is in the first weeks/months!

i am mummy to a gorgeous but tiring 2 and a 1/2 week old girl and am sick of unsympathetic people wondering aloud 'what it is that i actually do all day'! and implying that it is a piece of cake - one such unsympathetic person even suggested there must be something wrong with me mentally if i am finding this all hard!!

i am now looking around at the mess and i don't feel so bad!

hope your friend feels better soon, she is really lucky to have such a great friend as you!

notcitrus · 28/03/2009 21:18

I was paranoid I was neglecting ds at that point if I went into a different room, couldn't cope with rocking him for hours, etc.

The most useful comment was my mum (absent-minded historian, admits knows nothing about children) assuring me that in Victorian times farm workers swaddled their babies and stuck them in the hedge to be safe, just getting them out at lunchtime and home time to feed them.

Helped me get it all into perspective and fend off PND. The people who came over after work and rocked the baby for ages were also fantastic.

Just listen to your friend and what she needs and don't vanish. I found one of the worst bits was realising how all the people who had promised they'd help wiht babysitting/care didn't do a blind thing in reality.
Luckily some people who didn't promise anything have been fantastic.

badassfeline · 28/03/2009 21:35

What a brilliant friend you are!

I hated anyone doing anything in my house, as it was such a mess, i felt really embarrassed and freaked out when ever anyone offered to help out.. Although some friends came around with fresh crusty bread, cheese, ham and chocolate fudge cake, a bottle of wine (that i didn't get around to drinking until dd was about 11 weeks) and were just willing to sit and chat to me.

I found that i really needed to talk about the birth and how i was feeling. My family were doing my head in with their interfering and unrelenting visits, so all i wanted was to talk to someone who would understand. I felt swamped with emotion and (a little) despairing after DH went back to work, so it was a lifeline to have friends willing to come over, not judge the dust and mess and just TALK!

People are so generous when it comes to buying stuff for the new baby, and i loved and appreciated everything, but it was wonderful to be remembered and have a little gift for myself - even if it was foodstuffs!

You sound like a fab friend.. Wish I had one like you!

Ruthie22 Can't believe people are being that way with you.. Having a baby is the hardest job in the world IMO. Look around at the mess, open a bottle of wine and grab an hour to yourself. I never did that for about 3 months after DD was born, and i wish i had. These first few weeks are hard, but they are so precious. The mess isn't going anywhere! It can wait.

extremelychocolateymilkroll · 28/03/2009 22:28

Remind her that, though it feels like it, the waking up every couple hours really will not last. When you're in the middle of it it's hard to believe that the endless cycle of baby waking, being fed, burped and eventually going back to sleep before it all happening again in a couple of hours will ever end but it will. As others have said, let everything else slide - nothing more important than spending time with your baby.

dreamteamgirl · 28/03/2009 23:23

Everyone is different of course and you have had both extremes already.

I know when DS was tiny I felt like the world's worst most useless mum.

I phoned DP at office and his boss told him to call me back from outside as I was crying so much. Before he went out to call, she told him that she had been EXACTLY the same with her first. She had apparently once phoned HER DP at office and told him to come home before she left the baby outside the house and left home!! To hear that this smart succesful mother of three that I knew so well had been a gibbering wreck too really reassured me!!

For me, help in way of someone to hold baby whilst I went to the loo- someone else to take over was just awesome
Also the friends that arrived with lunch and went straight into kitchen and made ME a cup of tea (and wiped down surfaces and loaded dishwasher hilst kettle was boiling) then gave me tea and took little man whilst I drunk it are still amongst my bestest and closest friends

I think DS was a little older before I let anyone else take him for a walk etc, but when they did it was a really fab time. I just felt like a bad mum for wanting that IYSWIM, and would have been nice to know that it didnt make me awful person at all.
Have a lovely day with your friend and her new born

MollieO · 28/03/2009 23:34

I wish someone had told me that other people's babies aren't as perfect as they'd like you to believe. I used to hate everyone telling me how theirs slept through from a few hours old, bf easily and quickly, etc etc. I also used to hate people telling me to sleep when ds slept. When was I supposed to do the housework, washing, cooking etc? That never worked and just made me feel more crap.

The other thing I hated was people coming to visit and then sitting down cooing over ds whilst I ran around and made tea etc. I never seemed to get a break.

Useful advice was to try and get out of the house every day even if it is just to wheel the pram around the block. Very easy to go nowhere with a newborn and then feel hemmed in and lonely.