Do unplanned children de-rail life, goal and career or is this a myth?

[paisdelafleurs]

I'm a fairly calm and rational person so i'm trying to gather as much information to inform my decision as possible.

i would sincerely like to know whether being a parent scupers ones ambitions and goals (if one is not going to be traditional); most likely i'll end up a single mother. I suppose it depends on the woman and how she feels about motherhood and copes with stress.
Adoption is out of the question for personal reasons, my options are to keep it or have an abortion.

This is an unplanned pregnancy. I'm still studying (not undergraduate). I want to finish my degree and start a rather intensive sort of career that requires a lot of intellectual focus and out of work research. I don't forsee having much money for a while. I'm not career obsessed but it is very important to me to make a real contribution to the world be it through my creative pursuits or through my work in the sciences; it is also important to me to have a loving home and a family, but i don't think that is what i am going to get in these circumstances, perhaps homelessness and insecurity may be more likely. I can't afford to take a year out after the baby is born, if i have the baby it is study for me and nursery for it, i intend to work full time following that. Unrealistic? I have not been particularly on track until now and am trying very hard to achieve something, but i feel my future happiness and relationship may be put under irrevocable strain if i continue the pregnancy. Can you tell me if i am over exaggerating the effect a child can have? Or whether i've hit the nail on the head? Has anybody managed this sort of thing? Can you give me any advice?

I am referring to 1 child only - i have no intention of having anymore!

I can think of lovely things about having kids, although i was intending to adopt children rather than have my own because i'm very afraid of childbirth and how it will effect my body and sexual relationship with my partner? Probably because I am utterly naive to the process. I am also concerned about my ability to mother.

I don't have any family or support networks. I don't think that the father will back me, though he might 'do the right thing' if i choose to keep it, we love each other but he is not commited to me, and I feel like it is immoral of me to neglect his feelings because he doesn't want a child and i could potentially ruin his life and our relationship - or i suspect he would see it thus.

Saying that, abortion doesn't look pleasent either from what i'm reading and has some risks. Oh dear oh dear, I never thought this would happen to me, i was using contraception.

I went into the english heritage shop this afternoon and was playing with a soft stuffed otter, perhaps it is the hormones, but i felt quite teary and sentimental holding that toy! Previously i have been so clinically rational and quite certain that abortion was the only realistic and sensible option, but my heart is trying to sabotage my better judgement.

You don't sound ready for the ties of motherhood one little bit. You have so many things you need and want to do for yourself before having a baby. And you will have so much more to give a baby once you have done those things and discovered who you are.

I think the fact that you are concerned enough to find this forum and post speaks volumes about your ability to care for another person.

I have no doubt that a career and a baby is possible the thing that you cannot factor in at the moment is whether after if/when you do have your baby then you may find your priorities change and what you hold as important future goals at the moment may seem different in the future, they may not...but possibly something to bear in mind, if you DO have the baby then what you want now might not be what you want to do then.

Having children has had a huge effect on my life, I have taken a slightly different path than the one I had originally planned.

I would say having an abortion is a huge decision, unless you are 100% sure having this baby isn't what you want don't make any hasty decisions.

I'm not sure I am answering your questions really and sue you'll have had loads more helpful adivce by the time I post this.

The real truth is I don't think anyone is ready for motherhood. It really is (often) as you say - an utterly lifechanging event that challenges every plan and hope you thought you had. And juggling all the work, personal, domestic and relationship demands with children is, well, another world to the one in which you plan things for yourself.

But once you are on the other side of the looking glass, because you change utterly, it somehow matters less. Because they matter more.

There's nothing like motherhood for puncturing lots of time-wasting angst. But equally there's nothing like it for giving you new angst...

Does it scupper ones ambitions and goals? No. It can be harder to achieve them and see them in the same way. But mothers learn to adapt.

Either position is right: you have to decide ultimately.

This sounds familiar somehow.

I think you are thinking too much tbh.

I suppose i'm concerned because i don't really know if i'm on the right track anyway, i'm just here, otherwise i'd have no doubt about the abortion; i don't enjoy my course and the career isn't the one i chose but where i ended up, but i must do it to proove my worth because i was so lost for so many years. I need to do my parents proud. If my partner was on board i would have this child. I feel i am living in la la land imagining that whatever i chose it's all going to turn out for the best whereas i know both paths will hold regrets. I can't believe i'm 27 and still in limbo, lol.
My mother raised me and worked simultaneously and i never missed her, but as she said to me, she had my grandmother to care for me, and i'll get no help from my mother with a baby, she doesn't like children unfortunately.

Motherhood is one sure thing you can think and plan all you want, but it won't be what you expect.

If having a baby always wrecked your body and sex life there would be no second babies!

Having a baby does not necessarily wreck anything; it does force you to be more creative in order to achieve your aims but almost everything will remian doable; I did my degree with 3 children and I was pregnant the last year. Hard yes, doable yes, rewarding oh most definitely.

having your own baby creates dreams of its own of course: other things become rewarding and paths may change, not always of course, but often.

Abortion is something to only undertake if you are 100% certain. Adoption is worth considering.

Oh and speak to your Uni- most have fabulous nursery facillities.

It depends what you define as 'de-railing' I suppose.

Life will certainly change, and you may find that it takes longer to get where you're going, but motherhood certainly doesn't spell the end of you life/ambition/career.

"Having a baby does not necessarily wreck anything; it does force you to be more creative in order to achieve your aims but almost everything will remian doable; I did my degree with 3 children and I was pregnant the last year. Hard yes, doable yes, rewarding oh most definitely."

Thank you, that is very inspiring. You must have been very focused. It's made me think. I wonder if anyone thinks the opposite?

DS1 was unplanned, just as I'd started my first post-doc and I had a short fellowship arranged in North America. I also had a place waiting for me in a UK medical school.

I gave it all up, as DH was desperate for children and I kind of realised that 2 of us in high-powered careers would spell neglect for the baby.

I don't regret for a minute what I've done for DS1, but it was a real blow for me. DH refuses to go part-time so I've retrained in freelance editing - allows me to be very flexible around the children's needs.

I think you are being very sensible. You have hit the nail on the head. But do be aware there is never a 'good time' to have children. In the future, discuss with your partner his expected contribution to being a parent. Too many women do too much of the childcare whilst working. Men must do their share - and that includes their career taking a temporary nose-dive.

DH, for instance, MUST be through the door at 6pm and share the night-time childcare. I expect him to get up in the night, regardless of what impt stuff he has going on at work the next day. Until DS2 was 18months, he couldn't go away on conferences etc.

Do my children fulfill me? No way. My life is very happy (well, now that DS2 is in nursery and I'm finally getting some sleep!!) but God, I miss the endless intellectual stimulation.

If I had it all again, I would probably still haVE DS1, but I'd bust a gut to get a PT post-doc, even if it meant DH going PT as well.

All babies do that, in response to OP

Abortion IMO is always a sad ending, while having the baby can be a happy one...I have two unplanned babes and my life is good xx

I think you should stop doing something you don't want to do, stop worrying about making your parents proud and just decide what will make you happy and go for it.

How would you feel if you had a termination and then couldn't have any more? How does the father feel about the pregnancy?

I had an unplanned PG and now have a 4-year-old DS who has changed and refocussed my life. It's not easy, but nor was life before parenthood, always.
Bear in mind that there are no guarantees with anything. You might train for a career and find you hate it. You might be taken seriously ill or be in an accident and have to alter your plans or put them on hold: equally you might find yourself having to take time out of a career to care for a relative who is seriously ill/injured. The industry you want to work in might suddenly be rendered obsolete. It might rain hammers.

You may get a slightly rough ride on this thread as there seems to be an individual posting a lot on a similar theme (and ignoring all the advice given) at present.

the father thinks having a child is irresponsible and he refuses to make any sacrfices for 'my mistake' if i chose to keep it. He is studying for a post-doc.

Totally impossible to predict how having a child will affect your career. I had my first 3 years after getting my PhD and while still trying to establish myself academically in a new country; then my second 3 years later. I carried on working part-time throughout this time and was publishing, though of course I was slower and got rather less work done. Still, normally I should have been back on track again when my youngest started school at 4; or even after the first year if I had made full use of childcare.

(Unfortunately, my eldest became disabled which has slowed me down. But not permanently; I am beginning to speed up again; eventually, I will get there.)

btw adoption is not the easy alternative to childbirth. It means hard work, undoing any harm that may already have been done. Only for the seriously committed, I'd say.

Both have mine have been unplanned, one in a terrible abusive relationship and one in a lovely marriage.

Since having children I have managed to marry a wonderful man, travel to Australia and America (and I dont mean disney, child related stuff). Have got a 2:1 degree and got my dream job (which turns out is not so dreamy), however what Im trying to say is that I never wanted to be one of those mums who immersed herself in her children and had nothing else, hung around the school gates and talking about washing powders and snotty noses.
Both my children have gone to childminders as Ive had no help from either sets of parents, I feel they are more independent, outgoing because of this and dont feel Ive done them a disservice.

At the end of the day if you want this baby, keep it and you can still achieve all your dreams, I dont believe children stop us from doing that (within reason obviously joining a NASA space programme or becoming the first woman to sleep with 1000 men in a day maybe inappropriate ).
If you dont want this baby then your only options are adoption or abortion.

I hope some of this has helped and that you come to the decision that is best for you

Your mistake?

Did you put the condon on upside down?

You can manage to have a baby and carry on studying/working. Its difficult but not impossible if you really want to do it. Your university will offer you lots of help, you don't necessarily need to take much time out, one woman on my MBA had her baby in the Easter holidays and was back a couple of weeks later. You may be able to go part-time for a while.

Having an abortion/adoption have lasting consequences - could you live with them? I would think about it daily. My MIL had a daughter adopted and I has seriously affected her and the whole family.

You don't know before having children often if you will enjoy it or not, and people are often surprised that they don't or they do. I had a highly successful career and gave it all up in my late 30s to have children and god do I miss the intellectual stimulation. Would I have it any other way - no but I will go back to work when no.2 starts nursery.

Good luck in your decision.

Thank you for all your wonderful advice so far, you definitl;y have me thinking deeply about things. A time machine would be great lol, i'd like to know whether i would like being a mum or not. Are there any clues as to who will enjoy motherhood and who won't? I know i would never be happy as a stay at home mum, and i know that even if i was 35 and married i would not chose this option or a man who expected that of me, but i don't think that means i would love my child less...

When i said about my partner saying it was my mistake, he considers anything but an abortion a mistake. I don;t judge him too harshly for this, as he has pointed out men don't get a say in the matter and it does seem a little unfair, he'd have had an abortion without a moments hesitation whether i wanted the baby or not if the shoe were on the other foot.

Maybe you should get sterilised after the termination?

If he was so adamant he didn't want children he should have been more careful.

I am currently half way through my second unplanned pregnancy. We have always used contraception too but having my daughter was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

To be completely honest, your partner sounds like he isn't worth it. Sorry if that is offensive. He is obviously not considering you or your baby so I think you should stop thinking about him and concentrate on what you want.

'woman on my MBA had her baby in the Easter holidays and was back a couple of weeks later. '

yes that's what I did; well not MBA (yet. one day for sure) but baby born in April, back few weeks later, final with a five week old (OK so that was a shocker LOL and I wouldn't recommend but hey I got a A LOL)

I'm a very different Mum than I thought i'd be for sure; there's no ways of telling at all. Almost all people who want to make it work do, though.

Does your Uni have a counselling scheme? Ours did, if so avail yourself of it. Should be easy to contact through student services, tell them it is urgent.

The dad sounds like a waste, he will have to contribute financially: its the law.

There are many single Mums on MN, I'm not one and I know I have it relatively easy but they make a fine fist of it and their children are very well cared for. Childcare is fantastic, and my finding son's childminder is one of the best things I ever did for him (he's autistic and she helpe him so much)

Good luck in maing the right decision fr you.