Do unplanned children de-rail life, goal and career or is this a myth?

[paisdelafleurs]

I'm a fairly calm and rational person so i'm trying to gather as much information to inform my decision as possible.

i would sincerely like to know whether being a parent scupers ones ambitions and goals (if one is not going to be traditional); most likely i'll end up a single mother. I suppose it depends on the woman and how she feels about motherhood and copes with stress.
Adoption is out of the question for personal reasons, my options are to keep it or have an abortion.

This is an unplanned pregnancy. I'm still studying (not undergraduate). I want to finish my degree and start a rather intensive sort of career that requires a lot of intellectual focus and out of work research. I don't forsee having much money for a while. I'm not career obsessed but it is very important to me to make a real contribution to the world be it through my creative pursuits or through my work in the sciences; it is also important to me to have a loving home and a family, but i don't think that is what i am going to get in these circumstances, perhaps homelessness and insecurity may be more likely. I can't afford to take a year out after the baby is born, if i have the baby it is study for me and nursery for it, i intend to work full time following that. Unrealistic? I have not been particularly on track until now and am trying very hard to achieve something, but i feel my future happiness and relationship may be put under irrevocable strain if i continue the pregnancy. Can you tell me if i am over exaggerating the effect a child can have? Or whether i've hit the nail on the head? Has anybody managed this sort of thing? Can you give me any advice?

I am referring to 1 child only - i have no intention of having anymore!

I can think of lovely things about having kids, although i was intending to adopt children rather than have my own because i'm very afraid of childbirth and how it will effect my body and sexual relationship with my partner? Probably because I am utterly naive to the process. I am also concerned about my ability to mother.

I don't have any family or support networks. I don't think that the father will back me, though he might 'do the right thing' if i choose to keep it, we love each other but he is not commited to me, and I feel like it is immoral of me to neglect his feelings because he doesn't want a child and i could potentially ruin his life and our relationship - or i suspect he would see it thus.

Saying that, abortion doesn't look pleasent either from what i'm reading and has some risks. Oh dear oh dear, I never thought this would happen to me, i was using contraception.

Rainbowserpent/luxmundi/paisdelafleurs

I just wanted to say that I hope you can come to a decision soon and will be at peace with yourself, whatever you decide.

Rainbowserpent/luxmundi/paisdelafleurs ?

Excuse me?

My ds was very much planned even though I was in my last year at uni (mature student have to say, not straight from college so had a few years out to 'live' a little!) .

It was needless to say still a huge adjustment and I know look back and wonder whether or not I was truely ready. The truth is that you will never know if you are ready or not. I thought we were so ready. We had been in a relationship for 5 years, owned our own home, recently married and it seemed perfect. Motherhood is not how it appears it will be. It's a monotonous, tiring, frustrating, never ending, life long commitment. That said, I love my ds more than I have ever loved anything or anyone in my life. I would litterally die for him, without a doubt.

An abortion is also a life long decision in my opinion. It's not like you have it and then that's it... you will still always wonder what could have been and whether or not you did the right thing. I am totally NOT against abortion but it's easy for a man to say that's the right thing to do, it's not him that has to carry the guilt around with him for the rest of his life.

I really do sympathise with you and I hope whatever decision you make, it is the right one for you. xxxxx

I was in your situation at 25. I opted for abortion after a lot of soul searching. It was probably the right decision at the time, I don't regret it but I do feel sad about it. A key points in the yr, I find myself reliving it.

Fast forward 12 yrs and now I have 2 dc of mine own. Having children does involve a lot of sacrifice but the thing is, you never mind because what you get back from having them in your life makes the sacrifice seem tiny in comparison.

You will still achieve all the things you wish for with children, you may just take a different journey to get there. 27 is young and none of my friends or myself had any semblance of maternal feelings at this age. Don't send yourself down a particular road, just because you feel you should or because it is what's expected.

You say you don't have family support and your partner is not interested. What about other friends?

There is no right or wrong answer, only you can decide but make sure you talk it over with someone before you decide.

Good luck.
xx

It is worth knowng that if you are alone there are people who can assist perhaps- HomeStart is an examlpe, can place someonoe experienced with you for a few hours a wee to give you some adult company / mentor stuff.

I don't think many people are truly ready- I don't think people can understand much about parenting unless they are one tbh. It's like those dolls they have in schools- a teen friend asked me if that was really what having my 8 month old was like; the answer is no, because no doll can make you feel the way your own little baby can. If you gave me a tamagotchi I'd bin it. A dol and I'd probably do the same. A baby though- i've loved their babyhoods.

'Can you tell me if i am over exaggerating the effect a child can have?'

I don't think it's possible to over-exaggerate the effect a child can have.

I had an unplanned pregnancy and it did affect my future career. I am not in the career I thought I would be in by now but I followed a different path and I am happy with the career I now have. I will be honest it takes you longer to get where you want to with a child in tow but you can. I have NEVER regretted my decision for one moment but this is your decision only you can choose.

i was young (21)when i found out i was pregnant with my ds1. i had just given up a full time job to return to study. i remember sitting at some traffic lights in my car and being in absolute tears.i felt like a i
couldnt consider an abortion as dp was over the moon and we had told both sets of parents.
i was so upset i thought i wouldnt love it, i wanted to work/study etc.
but i carried on, i went back to work (my original job before i had ds1)when he was 6 months old and it worked out somehow. i went back to uni full time when he was 2 and he went to nursery full time.
everything has worked out for the best now.

i said i wasnt going to have any ore as well but now have ds2 who is 8 years younger than ds1.
i admit i did have my mum to help some eves but it was still hard juggling uni and motherhood. i guess i took a different path to what i would have choosen/wanted before i was pregnant but i still ended up at the same place.

nothings ever easy i dont think.

''Can you tell me if i am over exaggerating the effect a child can have?'

I don't think it's possible to over-exaggerate the effect a child can have. '

true

but can be positive as well as negative

Had my first Ds unplanned whilst a director at a blue chip company. Had worked for years to get there, it totally changed my life and I dont regret it for one second. i hadnt given babies a thought until I had one of my own. i love my sons to bits and dont regret one second of what i gave up

you have to think about the future and regrets you might have, i know it might sound weird but think about the end of your life and any regrets u might have, who u would miss and want to be there for u. Not saying this lightly, I was pregnant at 17, was totally lost, parents total academics and was unthinkable that i would not go to uni. Decided to keep baby and have really not regretted it since. Went to uni anyway, not my first choice of course, but chose one that had a nursery attached. Had to negotiate with lecturers etc about hours, but am so glad I did. You can do it if you really want to, the fact that you are on 'mumsnet' says alot about how u feel even if u are not aware of it. Stay strong, it is not immpossible.

I agree pania, this seems familiar.

My baby was unplanned. I'm 25 and have an 11 week old now. I've been married for over a year so I have support but it's not easy.

Babies are immense work. If all goes well, you have 9 months of potentially difficult pregnancy, birth and then feeding. I haven't had a decent night's sleep for nearly 3 months now and don't expect that to get better any time soon.

I also wouldn't change it for the world. I was TERRIFIED of having a baby. Birth scared the lights out of me. But my son is the world to me now. DH owns his own business, which was his absolute life before DS came along - and I mean his LIFE. He doesn't even want to go into his office anymore now because DS is "much more fun."

Life is not a rigid path that you must follow, it's just a series of choices and there are various obstacles that will either help or hinder you along your way. Very few people in life have planned it all out at a young age and ended up exactly where they intended.

I wouldn't pay too much mind to what your partner is saying. All very well to tell you he'd have an abortion - he's a man and it's a non-issue for him and always will be so he can pretty much say whatever he likes.

All I will say is that if you do have this child, please have it for nobody but you. You are the only person who you can guarantee will be there for that little baby and you will have a lot of very rewarding but hard days ahead.

Oh absolutely Peachy. Mostly positive in fact. I'm just saying that you can't assume that you can carry on regardless when there's a child to consider as well who will change your life completely.

I had my children late (39 and 40) so was in an entirely different situation, and I'm not in the least bit interested in high-power careers, and never have been. I had done all my partying too. I'm now trying to work, look after 2 toddlers and complete a course, and it's the studying which inevitably takes a back seat when you have bills to pay and children to take care of. But equally, I'd probably have pootled along in a nice career with lots of travel and all that if I hadn't had children, whereas now my priorities have changed completely.

My planned children derailed my life, career and goals. I'd planned that the children would exist but fit into the other plans, but somehow the plan went awry.

At least when they're not planned you have a good excuse for things being derailed, all I can do is weakly say, well, yes, um, I ignored all the decades of sensible advice and thought that I'd be different and wouldn't be overwhelmed.

do you have a confidant.free student counselling at Uni?this is a lot to process.understandably you are terrified.this is a deeply personal issue for you.essentially your choice.do take care and try to gather information,reflect,look objectively at options (as you intuitively can as a academic)

as much as you can plan and maker provision nothing prepares you for baby,you accommodate and you grow.

you acknowledge your fear of childbirth (tokophobia) could someone support you with that.tokophobia believed to be more common that previously reported.

having a baby does not render one useless.intellectually disadvantaged.it changes everything but you can still pursue your ambitions too.plenty mums manage this

anyway take care

i can't really compare my situation to your's too much, but i can categorically say becoming a mum has not affected my career. i was promoted within a year of returning from materntiy leave.

yes, motherhood does change you and turn you life upside down but it doesn't turn everyone into a one-size-fits-all biscuit baking, nursery rhyme singing model. there are many different models of motherhood and if you have this baby you will find the one that fits you. if that means baby in nursery then so be it. and, as others have said, your priorities and interests may change regardless of whether you have the baby or not. a 'plan' is a great thing, but don't cling to it if it closes doors to other opportunities that could make you happier.

and don't worry about your maternal capabilities, the vast majority of women all over the world are good mothers, raising children well, surely not all of them were 'ready'. if you have the baby you will learn.

i wouldn't bank on it, but your partner may come round to parenthood, similarly your mum may become more involved than you think. my mum was very involved in the early days, not because she's really into babies or even because it was her grandson, but because she loves me and wanted to help me.

in the end you have to make the best decision for you.

My Bbay was planned and I was ready - or so I thought - Having her completly derailed me and I'm so glad she did as I was on the wrong track.

paisdefueur, you need to FORGET about pleasing ANYONE except yourself - you mention you want to make your parents proud, and not want to impose upon your b/f who loves you but 'is not committed to you'.

You need to concentrate on yourself and what you need. This is an essential skill to have as a mother, as a happy mum makes a happy baby.

You'll need to talk to your college to see if they can offer you any help, and make a diagram of people who are important in your life and see if they are important for reasons of guilt or that they are really there for you. Strike off those who aren't there for you 100% you won't need them - they'll drain you.

Don't worry if that only leaves one or two in your life - as a mother you will make mummy friends - if you feel like that is a big leap for you to think about, well pregnancy takes nine months and this gives you plenty of time to get used to being pregnant, and meeting pregnant mummies, and motherhood is forever, and that gives you lots and lots of time to forge new bonds as well. You will need to make these connections in your life as a mother - humans, as babies and as mothers, are sociable and they need networks of friends etc.

Personally, I wasn't ready for motherhood: I thought I was, but in the abstract; but that was before I met my DD. Now it's part of my nature to be her mother, and I'm just the best mother I can be.

If you feel depressed about your life? in general - working in an area you hate but just doing it so you don't seem a failure, fearing the future, maybe this is an opportunity for you to actually find out who you are and what you actually want to do? A baby can both help and hinder this process, and I really urge you most strongly to have some very serious counseling in order that you can comb out these threads in your life, and get some meaningful traction.

Best of luck!

make your decision without thinking about him is my advice. He will either be involved or not, that's not for you to worry about.

My DC1 was unplanned. DP wanted me to terminate the pregnancy, I gave him the option of terminating any involvement, walk away, have nothing to do with us. He didn't, but that's our story. My point being that I made the decision for me. He was free to make his choices.

As has been said, all children 'de-rail' your life. It just depends on if you welcome that derailment and all it brings, or resent it. Not many people do the latter. Embrace it. Change is good. Sometimes straying off lifes path brings the best adventures.

Hi, have only flicked through the thread but I can say that I had an unplanned pregnancy at 18 as i was about to start uni to train to be a nurse. I knew the dad and I would not be together for long and i had no family support. I continued with uni (tbh went in with head in the sand about how tough it would be) and somehow coped with the studying, the shifts, the sleepless nights, the debt etc etc. I had a fab CM and, although I was exhausted, really enjoyed the training and the social aspect of it. I also think that it was the fact that I had ds that made me really focus and concentrate in a way some of my peers didn't. I really appreciated the time I had with ds as well and I really feel i was a much better mum having done the two together. It was hard, but I don't regret it for an instance. I met dh in the last year of uni and now have 3dc's and am high up the ladder so to speak, have gone on to do two more degrees whilst having the other children.

Now, with DS at 12, I have stopped working completely and am enjoying being at home a bit more, having acheieved what i wanted to do. There is no way I could have done this earlier - I would have gone potty. There is no right time to have a baby - you think about it too hard and you can always talk yourself out of it. If you decide to go ahead it will be bloody hard but also very rewarding in ways that you may not imagine now. Good luck

and do a search for rainbowserpents threads. Her situation is very similar to yours. There's lots of good advice and help on her threads too.

Have namechanged for this. Just wanted to give you another experience to think about.

I was in your situation at 27 - I had an abortion. It was a hard decision but I still think it was the right one for me. (you always have moments when you do think what if - but you would whatever decision you took.) A decade later I had a wanted baby with the same partner - and we are still happy and together.

I think my decision was influenced by my own experience - I was myself an unplanned baby when my mother was at uni. I was very loved but I do think my being born pushed her into a marriage she wouldn't have made and a career path she wouldn't have taken.

She got ill, possibly as a result of stress juggling a failed marriage, a stressful career that probably wasn't the one she would have chosen, and her children, and died young.

I have followed the career path I was training for at the time of my abortion and while it hasn't been everything I dreamed of it has given me a level of financial independance that now allows me to continue working at something I really enjoy even though I only want to work part-time around my children (and that seems to be a rare thing) while making enough money to live on as well.

Having said that, in retrospect I don't think I would have relived my mother's life as much as I expected because things have changed since the 60s. I wouldn't have had to get married but I think my relationship would have suffered badly. I think I would have compromised on what I did for a living.

I think inevitably ideas about abortion change after you've had a child - you see the potential come to fruition and know 'what if'. But at the time i was very much zapping a few cells as soon as I could, before it became what I would consider a real child.

When I was trying to get pregnant later on, I did have a miscarriage. which made me think two things. One, that nature aborts when it doesn't work out - and that's what we do when it doesn't work for us. The other, that maybe I'd missed my chance to have a baby. But I hadn't.

I hope that helps.

A friend of mine got pregnant during the first year of her phd. She is now a professor (in something to do with behavioural science methinks), just 37 years old, and with a teenage son. Her pregnancy wasnt planned, but she embraced, as well as she went full throttle for her phd and her academic career.

You will find many inspirational single student mums on this forum, not all are undergraduates.

I put my career on hold for a little when I got pregnant (unplanned) with our first (I am married), but have been working all the way throug with only rudimentary maternity leave. But now my kids are 6 and 3, I am starting further education (I have a masters already) Combinging kids and studies, or kids and careers, can be very fulfilling. Having a child does not prevent you from studies nor a career, you just have to be a little more structured.

Life is full on, but fun.

Ohforfoxsake - sorry but do you seriously think this is NOT rainbowserpent? Or whoever she is? Her situation is more than SIMILAR! Aplogies if I'm completely wrong, but why all the posts - exact same scenario -under different names. I think OP needs some help. (Either with her thesis or something of a pyschiatric nature) but people are spending their valuable time giving her good advice which she pays no attention to.

Panto