Do unplanned children de-rail life, goal and career or is this a myth?

[paisdelafleurs]

I'm a fairly calm and rational person so i'm trying to gather as much information to inform my decision as possible.

i would sincerely like to know whether being a parent scupers ones ambitions and goals (if one is not going to be traditional); most likely i'll end up a single mother. I suppose it depends on the woman and how she feels about motherhood and copes with stress.
Adoption is out of the question for personal reasons, my options are to keep it or have an abortion.

This is an unplanned pregnancy. I'm still studying (not undergraduate). I want to finish my degree and start a rather intensive sort of career that requires a lot of intellectual focus and out of work research. I don't forsee having much money for a while. I'm not career obsessed but it is very important to me to make a real contribution to the world be it through my creative pursuits or through my work in the sciences; it is also important to me to have a loving home and a family, but i don't think that is what i am going to get in these circumstances, perhaps homelessness and insecurity may be more likely. I can't afford to take a year out after the baby is born, if i have the baby it is study for me and nursery for it, i intend to work full time following that. Unrealistic? I have not been particularly on track until now and am trying very hard to achieve something, but i feel my future happiness and relationship may be put under irrevocable strain if i continue the pregnancy. Can you tell me if i am over exaggerating the effect a child can have? Or whether i've hit the nail on the head? Has anybody managed this sort of thing? Can you give me any advice?

I am referring to 1 child only - i have no intention of having anymore!

I can think of lovely things about having kids, although i was intending to adopt children rather than have my own because i'm very afraid of childbirth and how it will effect my body and sexual relationship with my partner? Probably because I am utterly naive to the process. I am also concerned about my ability to mother.

I don't have any family or support networks. I don't think that the father will back me, though he might 'do the right thing' if i choose to keep it, we love each other but he is not commited to me, and I feel like it is immoral of me to neglect his feelings because he doesn't want a child and i could potentially ruin his life and our relationship - or i suspect he would see it thus.

Saying that, abortion doesn't look pleasent either from what i'm reading and has some risks. Oh dear oh dear, I never thought this would happen to me, i was using contraception.

I'm obviously not as polite as you!

And i reported this to MN too. Feel free to give me a hard time.

Well OP.
Having read the threads on your other posting names, I take back what I said in my previous post.

You sound too immature and mixed up for motherhood. You cant be more than, what 20 (going by what you say about doing an MA), but with an emotional level of, say 16?
Get yourself to your GP and get some counselling. Do you live at home? Have you spoken to your mum?

Who is your "boyfriend"? Is it your tutor? (seeing as he is doing a post doctoral?)
Is he pressurizing you to abort because
a) you are underage or
b) he is jeapardizing his own career and reputation, academic and otherwise by having relations with a student?

You need help. Please get some.

Its awful to think that someone would make this up. People like Inanswertoyourquestion share intimate information with the best intention, and its for her kindness, and those like her, that I give the OP the benefit of the doubt.

If they are one and the same, then perhaps they genuinely do need help (not necessarily with the prospect of motherhood, but with attention seeking), or don't have a conscience.

Personally I tend not to answer anything too specifically or share too much information anymore as I find discovering I've responded to a troll quite hurtful when I have.

i think if this is troll that it is sad.posters give genuine empathic answers and in some case 1st hand exp too.kind of devalues time,effort and consideration given to respond

doesn't put me off.does make me perplexed.Why do it on such an emotive topic

i assume posts are accurate and correct unless obviously troll time

None of the posts seems to refer to how pregnant she is, or what practical steps she has taken/will take - ie seen a doctor/fpc/cousellor etc. Nor has she asked for any real practical advice. Just lots of "feelings" questions.

"I'm a fairly calm and rational person so i'm trying to gather as much information to inform my decision as possible"

I think the gathering information part is right, but it's what she's using it for that worries me. There are seem to be inconsistencies too.

And "I played with a stuffed otter" WTF?

Speaking as someone who found herself in a very similar situation a long, long time ago, this just doesn't ring true.

oh im offsky from this one.conserve my energy for other MN posts

'he'd have had an abortion without a moments hesitation whether i wanted the baby or not if the shoe were on the other foot.'

He sounds like a keeper.....!

I was 19 and 2 weeks into my first year of uni when I found out I was pregnant. It was shocking, I was angry/upset/depressed, but I also had this strange feeling, and it was a happy one. Fast forward a couple of years and dd is now 18 months old and doing wonderfully.

I finished my first year with a very good pass, so that I had a years worth of credit. I'm still at home with my dd and haven't returned to the uni I was at, but I'm about to start my second year in January via long distance learning. I get to study and be with dd at the same time - perfect for me. I am a single mum and it is hard work, but I find it very rewarding and life's worked out well for me and my dd.

The one thing you should take with you is that NOBODY is ever prepared to become a parent. Age, 'life experience', career, relationships, none of it prepares you. And believe me when I say how much becoming a parent can alter the way you think and feel about things.

Can aI tell you about the daughter of a friend of mine? She became shockingly and unexpectedly pregnant at 17, just as went into upper sixth and decided to have her baby. The relationship with the father was good ;and they planned to go off to uni together and arranged a family flat at Salford uni but then they split up and she ended up going on her own with her tiny son ( who I think was born late July/early August)She foun;d it difficult but got a good degree in Spanish and Business studies and took little R. off to Spain with her for her year abroad. After she had graduated she went back to Spain and is now head of languages at a Spanish school - not what she planned but in many ways better. I don't think she sees much of R's father now but his parents are lovely to them, and good friends to her own parents (my friends) I think this girl, now 25 is one of the people I admire most and now she has a lovely happy life in Spain. This isn't to persuade you about anything but just to show it can work out even if life is very diferent than you had hoped.

I haven't had time to read all the replies, but I'll tell you what I think.

Motherhood is an enormous undertaking, which does turn your life upside down. You don't sound ready for it in my opinion. Doing all the things you want to do as well as bringing up a child will be very very hard. Not impossible, but very hard.

There are a few issues here. Firstly, how old are you? If you're in your late 30s, then you have to consider that there may not necessarily be many more opportunities to have a child. How would you feel if that was the case? However, if you're in your 20s, then there is every chance you can have a child in years to come, with a man who wants to be a father.

How do you feel about pregnancy termination? Do you have religious or moral objections to it, that may come back to haunt you?

I always wanted children, and knew that I wanted a family one day. However, I got pregnant by accident at age 20, when I was still a student. I knew I wasn't ready. I wanted to complete my studies, I wanted to do all sorts of things. Sure I would have coped with a child if I'd had to, but I didn't want my experience of motherhood to be full of stress and compromise. So I had a termination. That was 21 years ago, and I have never regretted it. I now have a son, and I'm pregnant again. I have done all my training, so I have a good job, and can afford to work part-time. I've travelled a bit, so I don't crave that. I've had plenty of drunken nights out in clubs and pubs when I was younger, so now I'm happy to stay in and be a Mum.

That's my experience anyway. All the best whatever you decide.

An unplanned pregnancy will be very stressful in most cicumstances. My first pregnancy was also unplanned although my circumstances were better that yours. I had a long term partner who was prepared (after a lot of thought and discussion) to take on the long term commitment of a baby. We were also both working and earning above average (although not huge) salaries. Having said that, it was very poor timing from a career perspective as we were quite junior and have struggled a lot as a result of having the children a little early!
Having a baby will certainly change your life in every way. Without the support of a partner or family (some people are fortunate enough to have both), I think most people would struggle as it is very hard work.
I wish you the best of luck in making this important decision. Only you can make the right one for yourself and the child.

is that your essay title op?