Not-a-mum-yet asks for some thoughts/advice...

[Lindalove]

Hi - I am 32, hubby is 44, and we are beginning to push around the idea of having kids. Thing is he isn't enthusiastic due to fears about our lives changing too much - though equally says he thinks he could get enthusiastic if I do. However, I'm not sure I am!

I know this all sounds horribly selfish but we have great lives that we have worked hard for. All the more reason to share it with a child I know but I want to make sure I am in the right headspace for kids to make sure if we go for it, I AM totally enthusiastic as I do believe if I am hubby will be happier too, as I think much of his concern is that I will freak out being a parent which will put pressure on us.

I suppose what I am hoping for from this site is some advice on;

Was everyone here totally enthusiastic about the idea of being a mum before they became one? Or do you just 'suddenly' become it at the right age (I don't believe this but hubby does)?

Is it just me that is afraid of the idea that I will become a totally different person?

What happens if I am crap at it/have no patience/regret it? You can't give them back (quite rightly)...

You get the picture.... etc etc. I am a total tomboy by the way if that helps explain things, and have never been maternal. My best friend has kids but has worlds of patience, unlike me, and never had a proper career, like I do.

Sorry for the angst!

I fell pregnant accidentally with my first, so I wasn't "ready" for children,. in fact, I was due to start uni, which all fell through as a result.

but, once I had got over the shock, it was lovely. i was sooooo excited. but then, I had always imagined I would have kids, I have always loved babies and stuff and been quite maternal.

you DO become a different person I think. but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. you change because how can you not??? this new little person is in your life and they give you so much more than you can ever imagine. they totally change your perspective on life.

you sound like you're worried about it, but when you have a baby you do tend to be so focussed on ir that you just forget about everything else.

they ARE very lovely little things.
maybe chat about it some more with your DH, it isn't something to rush into if you aren't entirely sure IMO.
you're only 32, so you sitll have time on your side iyswim?

I have time but my husband is 12 years older. I suppose I have started to think that he will be 60 by the time they are 15-odd.

Yes I think they are nice little things, I don't dislike children, I've just never got all gooey about them.

It's hard to see all the positives they bring when you don't spend a lot of time with children I suppose like me. Its hard to understand what they bring you - its much easier to see the tears etc and be freaked out by that..

You do become a different person, but someone with such deep reserves of patience you won't believe it. I have quite a short tolerance of screaming misbehaved children, when my niece went through the terrible twos (and they were terrible) I had to leave the room if she had a tantrum, but with my ds I can put up with the most amazing level of yelling/filth/lack of sleep/stubborness etc etc because I love him so much. The love is really extraordinary, like nothing else on earth.

I can't tell you whether to have children or not, all I can tell you is that when I found out I was pg I was bloody terrified and I was ttc!! I spent the first few months of pregnancy with my stomach doing flips every time I thought about it, but all the fears are worth it. It's terrifying when they're tiny, and you're inexperienced, I can't pretend otherwise, but babies don't need much, milk, warmth and love. Everything else just slots in.

As for the positives they bring... the day they run towards you with their arms wide open and a big grin on their face, throw their arms around you and tell you they love you, you'll see the positives then.

There are lots of others before that stage by the way, ds' first smile made my cry with joy

Going against the grain here but I think you shoudnt have kids unless you really want them.

My DS was unexpected and even though I thought I would have kids one day I wasnt a natural parent.

TBH, I think possibly I made the wrong decision to have him. Dont get me wrong, if I could turn back the clock knowing my son now I would still choose to have him. But to be honest, its only because of that overwhelming love and that they are so funny, cute, gorgeous. If you look at it practically, it is difficult to see what they bring. But its not about logic or practicality.

not sure ive made any sense .

Being with other peoples children isn't like having your own. I'm not too keen on children in general, but mine are great

I don't think I could have said "now I am ready for a child" but my pg was unplanned so I just got on with it.

Its really boring at times, I can be crap at it and have no patience sometimes. I try really, really hard, and the harder I try, the more demanding they are.

But I wouldn't change it. No matter how shit your day has been, watching your baby sleep peacefully is the best thing you can ever do.

No one regrets the children they have, but some regret not having them IYSWIM.

HeadFairy - re lack of patience, I am the same with my goddaughter who is now 4. When she went through her 2-something phase she was a nightmare and I really didn't like her that much though she is cute much nicer now.

It's helpful to know that does not neccessarily mean I will be quite so lacking in patience if it was my own child.

I just think its important to really think about such as big deal as having kids and have always taken stuff pretty seriously like that. Also, my parents were divorced when I was 15 which has made me a bit sensitive about parental failures! I mean I think I'd do a better job (they were good parents individually, just not together) but these things affect your views.

I have known since I was a teenager that I wanted children. My DH and I have 3 and while we have had some traumatic times I would not be without them.

I was saying to DH last night that while it is fine in your 30s to think you have a great life without children (dinners out, holidays, free time, etc) would it all be worth it when you are 80 and have no family? I can not wait to be a granny!

Mankymummy - I agree that you shouldn't unless you really want them. But how to know if you really DON'T want them. Not having patience with other people's kids obv is not a 'signal'.

Seems like the reality is that, in way you can NEVER know whether you really want them until you do, by which time its a bit late!

Ohfofoxsake - that is good to know equally that you maybe never felt 'ready', Because I suspect I never will. But there's the rub - if neither me or my hubby ever 'feel' ready, it could be we never end up doing it. Because generally ONE of you needs to be keener than the other, right?

yep other people's kids are a totally different kettle of fish.

how you feel about other people's is NO indication of how you will be as a parent IME.

I have always wanted to be a mother, from as far back as I remember - the only thing I really wanted in life.

It is very hard wok, especially when they are little. You have to give up a lot of what you are and put the needs of your kids first a lot of the time. Your lifestyle will almost certainly change beyond recognition. No more lies ins, spontaneous meals out etc etc for some time. You might find you lose yourselves as a couple to some extent.

If having kids more than compensates for this then you will love having them. If not then you will either be very resentful or end up getting a very good nanny .

Haven't got time to post in depth but I always assumed I would have children but got caught up it in a single 'fun' lifestyle for years and didn't meet Mr 'Right' until I was over 30.

I knew there was something missing from my life and wasn't really aware what it was tbh.

Dh wasn't anti children but wasn't pro them either.

A whole side of life has been opened up to both of us since having children. It's bloody hard work tbh. At times I dislike my dc and dh intensly (and even myself) but I'd never turn the clock back (although a couple of days would suit me fine!)

Mercy, who was it who pushed more to have kids in that case?

Don't get me wrong my husband has said if I really want children we will go for it, but equally he says he'd feel happier if he felt we were both more 'up for it'.

I suppose what I am trying to do is get a better understanding of what being a parent means in reality to see if I can begin to get my head round it, because if I can, he will. This is all helpful so thanks. I feel slightly less stressed talking about it.

Me! As far as I was concerned being married was tied up with the intention of having children

I'll be back later hopefully, must attempt to get dc ready for bed.

Being a parent for me(certainly for the first 14 months, that's all I've done) has involved at some point exhaustion, frustration, tension like a knife in the house, fear, anxiety, confusion - usually not all at the same time, but sometimes. It also involves dashing home like a nutter from the job I love just to get home in time to see ds for 10 mins before bed, practically running up the road to see him, overwhelming, never ending love for him, an inability to not touch him every five seconds because his skin is so beautiful and he smells so amazing.

I was standing in the park the other day with him, we were watching the trains go by and he was squealing with excitement at each one and waving and I thought to myself where did this funny little person come from? I was so the single girl with the career. For a while when he was a baby and we were just finding our feet it was easy to forget he's a person too, but as he gets older it's amazing to see his personality emerge. He's a real comedian, always got a ready smile and is quick to laugh. I have such high hopes for him, I really will do absolutely anything to make sure he has the best life he possibly can.

It's so hard to sum up, and i'm sure it's different for everyone, so sorry if I'm rambling!

Yes you change, but what are you afraid of?

IMO you get out what you put in. If you desperately try to cling onto your old lifestyle and live for the day you get it back you'll be miserable, but if you work hard at being a parent and getting the most out of it you'll reap the rewards!

Also you will experience amazing and sometimes quite fierce unconditional love. You might think atm that you'll resent not being able to go to a party if your child is ill and can't be babysat, but I can assure you that if your child is ill there is no way on earth you'd want to be anywhere but with them cleaning up their sick!

Was everyone here totally enthusiastic about the idea of being a mum before they became one? Or do you just 'suddenly' become it at the right age (I don't believe this but hubby does)?

nope - i got PG the first month we tried and was in shock for the next 9 months. DH was very excited tho!

Is it just me that is afraid of the idea that I will become a totally different person?

you will and you won't! THings are bound to change and you have to learn to let go of old stuff

What happens if I am crap at it/have no patience/regret it? You can't give them back (quite rightly)...

It has been the hardest, most challenging, exhilerating and AMAZING thing i have ever done, and some days i find it all over whelming. Would i change it? NO, although i do occasionally yearn for my child free lazy sundays with the papers

I also still work fulltime, and have a Biiiiiiiiiiiiiig night once every couple of months with my girlfriends - this helps!

Starlight etc - if you like who you are, why would you NOT be afraid to change in case it all goes Pete Tong? But I take your point and yes good one about not wanting to go out anyway if your kiddie is ill. I don't think even I would be that orrible or selfish.

I would hope though that I could continue with as much of my lifestyle as I can ..while taking on new parts of a new life......gigs etc are probably out but music festivals needn't be. I know as see 100's of children at music festivals I go to every year. I think a lot of it depends on how much effort you will go to plus what support you get.

As for parties...well most of our mates are having kids now anyway so 'parties' anyway slowly seem to be turning into lunchtime events at people's houses, where all the parents get sozzled anyway by late afternoon...so no difference there!!

Parties do change, I remember being v pregnant at a party with dh and we were laughing because dh looked around at the 20 odd children running around the garden and said "when did we become old?" I'm not sure about music festivals, you'll probably find you're not so bothered about doing those sorts of things once you've got children. Our best day out recently involved going to Battersea Childrens' zoo with ds. I don't know who enjoyed it more, dh and I or ds. We were running around like children

I think 'change' is perhaps the wrong word. Rather, you develop another facet!

If you enjoy working hard, and facing challenges then parenting is absolutely the career for you. It isn't paid financially (unless you see your children as an investment who will contribute to your pension fund - if so get a back-up plan ), but it is full of rewards.

Your life doesn't stop btw, but clinging onto all of the activities you used to do might stop you from seeing and learning of new and different child-centred activities iyswim.

I know a lot of parents like to take holidays with ample childcare available so they can have some time doing what THEY want. I personally prefer to keep my kids with me and build sandcastles with them. I am not naturally like this but I work at it because it's completely worth it!

Now, if only I could find something to do with them instead of MNing.......

How do you all manage time to yourself, or do you? Did you have hobbies etc that meant loads to you that you no longer do...? In which case is that just temporary.

I know this probably all sounds really selfish but equally I think its importnat to continue with your interests in some way, if only for sanity, though it probably makes you more interesting to your kids?

My dad was really into motorbikes when I was little which I found fascinating, he used to take us on rides on them ( health and safety look away now!)

It's a lot easier to think about having a child, as in just the one. Dh would never commit to having "kids". He agreed to have a child. We do only have ds, he never changed his mind.

Then anything that's challenging you can think "this too shall pass" and not think "oh but in 2 years I'll be doing it all again".

I was very keen to have ds. I never felt that keen again so I didn't have another.

wellllll....

here is another thing to think about

I was pretty equivocal about having kids until we had half-heartedly tried for a couple of years and it didn't happen

that certainly sharpened my thoughts, and shocked me to the core when I was told I was infertile, and that it probably wouldn't happen

then it became the most important thing in the world

don't assume it will happen for you the minute you chuck that contraceptive away

I was also one of those people who (with hindsight) had led a rather charmed life until that point

just a thought, how would you feel if that choice was taken away from you ?

I was a keen sailor and scuba diver (I'm an instructor) before I had ds, I can't wait til he's old enough to go on a sailing holiday with us, and I'd love to take him for his first dives and certify him (but that's a long way off, I don't think he can do it before he's 14) There's no reason why hobbies can't carry on after babies. You may have to put them on hold for a while that's all.

Change isn't necessarily a bad thing. I saw DP in a whole new light when he became the father of my baby. When you think you couldn't love your partner more, WHAM!

My core friends have remained the same. Some have fallen by the wayside, but that happens in life. I've made a whole lot more. I have friends who I see every day. A lot of my social life happens during the day, having lunch or coffee. My childless friends make more of an effort as they come to see me, rather than me meeting them, but they are cool with that.

I'm a SAHM, but plenty of people work which must help maintain their identity as an individual, rather than 'XXXs Mum'.

Its not easy, but it is worthwhile.