Not-a-mum-yet asks for some thoughts/advice...

[Lindalove]

Hi - I am 32, hubby is 44, and we are beginning to push around the idea of having kids. Thing is he isn't enthusiastic due to fears about our lives changing too much - though equally says he thinks he could get enthusiastic if I do. However, I'm not sure I am!

I know this all sounds horribly selfish but we have great lives that we have worked hard for. All the more reason to share it with a child I know but I want to make sure I am in the right headspace for kids to make sure if we go for it, I AM totally enthusiastic as I do believe if I am hubby will be happier too, as I think much of his concern is that I will freak out being a parent which will put pressure on us.

I suppose what I am hoping for from this site is some advice on;

Was everyone here totally enthusiastic about the idea of being a mum before they became one? Or do you just 'suddenly' become it at the right age (I don't believe this but hubby does)?

Is it just me that is afraid of the idea that I will become a totally different person?

What happens if I am crap at it/have no patience/regret it? You can't give them back (quite rightly)...

You get the picture.... etc etc. I am a total tomboy by the way if that helps explain things, and have never been maternal. My best friend has kids but has worlds of patience, unlike me, and never had a proper career, like I do.

Sorry for the angst!

Hobbies - I think very important, but possibly not the same ones in the small-child years. If you and or your dh both have hobbies that are very time-consuming, they are possible flashpoints between you. It is perfectly possible to go and do this stuff just as you always did, but the fact is that once you have decided to do so, you have immediately decided for your partner what they are going to be doing as well - looking after the child. They need to be OK with that

so for example, if you are a runner, you can still run, but you may not be able to compete much for a while, as that takes huge chunks out of weekends.

or maybe you will want to find new interests that take a bit less time but still put a smile on your face.

Lots of people I know take multiple kids to music festivals. I personally would wait until the child is 4 or 5 (quite a long time, isn't it) but plenty don't.

I can't tell you whether or not to have children - TBH it is very tough.

I've just read this whole thread and I think you're doing a really smart thing to really think this through Lindalove.

I've got two DDs and I always knew I wanted children so it was a no-brainer for me. I've definitely changed since having children, but not so much that I feel I've lost 'the old me' or anything. It's just that different dimensions have been added to my life, and things which in the past seemed terribly important (how busy was my social life, did I have interesting hobbies) now seem almost totally irrelevent.

The thing to remember is that everybody reacts to having children in a different way. I have friends who have dropped their career and totally dedicated themselves to their children almost to the exclusion of anything else. I also know people for whom having children has made little difference to their lives - they still do the things they did before, continue with their jobs, socialise lots, have hobbies, weekends away etc. There's no right or wrong, just different ways of doing things.

For info I'm a journalist too and I can appreciate how you must feel about having achieved in your career. Although I work two days a week I have deliberately put any career development on hold until my children are older (they are 3.5 and 15 months) as I simply can't marry the incredibly long and anti-social hours required in journalism with looking after small children. (we have no family around so that doesn't help!) But I have colleagues who have small children and are in senior positions, so it can be done. It is simply that I have chosen not to try and climb that ladder for just now, just to stay where I am.

Hope that helps a bit!

I think it's normal to have reservations! You sound like a thoughtful and caring person and thus qualified for parenthood imho!

All I would say, without trying to be scare-mongering but if you want them then think about trying asap because I'm one of those people who started trying at your age and have only just managed to have 3 pgs in 20 years, one mc, one ds (7) and one dd (2 months).

Maybe think a bit how you would feel if you couldn't have them, that might focus your mind on how much you do!

The pros of having children outweigh the cons in my experience by an incalculable amount!

Sorry 3 pgs in 10 years not 20!!!

I'm 32, have one DS and 23 weeks preg with another child.

I think it's good that you're thinking this through beforehand. For me, I wanted to have kids because I felt a biological urge to, and thought it would be fun. I didn't really consider the impact it would have on me (sounds ridiculous but I didn't). I was a cerebral, over educated only child and hadn't had much contact with babies/kids, though liked them.

I would say it's impossible to overestimate the effect it has on you and your relationship. One of the baby books talks about you going through a doorway and becoming a mother and leaving your old life behind, and that is totally correct.

I am still in the stage of having very small kid (s) that need a lot of attention, and have been told you get your life back more later, but I can really say that it is almost impossible to maintain a real life outside kids, relationship and work. I don't live in the UK so it's harder as friends aren't here etc, but the stuff I did like running a choir, writing a book, it just ain't going to get done now until child 2 is at school: at the very least.

Sometimes both me and DH feel utter despair at no more lie-ins, no more real rests, no more actual holidays where we just please ourselves. Just living like normal people, that's what you miss. Everything is like a mixture of groundhog day and extremely complicated and boring logistics planning. What makes it worth is is the physical pleasure of parenting, having your own little kid who you love so very much and does cute things. You enjoy them just by them being there. Our DS makes us laugh so much and brings a lot into our lives, and another will be even better. So I am not trying to be negative but I think it's good to acknowledge the change it brings, that it brings your focus away from the outside world for a few years, and your world does shrink. Once you've accepted that, it's fine.

I would definitely advise taking a couple of lovely holidays together as a couple, so you have some nice memories of pre-children banked, then go for it (probably!)

also, lindalove, I'm beginning to feel now as if the early years period is not a bad time to take stock of careers, for example you mention changing career. I'm working still and no plans to stop but have decided to downpedal for these few years (say 4-5 years total), be around a bit more for the kids and spend the time finding my niche, possibly doing a further degree etc, with the aim of going back into a different career in a couple of years' time. I think it can be quite empowering to have this time to take stock, like a kind of mid career review. It needn't be seen as a 'became mum, lost focus' thing. I also feel like 5 years out of my overall career of say 40 years is not a lot.

oh my god you are me a few years ago- literlay......
take a look at this thread where I asked exactly the same question
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/113982-whether-to-have-children?pg=1

re-reading it now several things strike me...
How much bloody time did I have! Good god you can type so much more and respond to threads when you don't have a kid (oh yeah- we did make the decision
And- well that thing that I didn't get (and literaly didn't get until my ds was born- is so totaly utterly fucking amazing and brilliant that nothing else matters. I may never learn to sail but I couldn't give two hoots (oh and the wise mumsnetter was right we do still drink red wine on the sofa).
So in summary- I was a kid refusnik (very very nearly didn't becasue I felt nothing towards the idea) and now I am desperate for number two (and three ) becasue that love bond thing is just the best thing ever

Hello,

My daughter is 6 months old and the first 3 months of her life were difficult and al-consuming.

But now she is much better at doing things herself as she gets physically stronger - she can do tummy time for ages and lie back and play on her activity mat while I have a cup of coffee and read the paper (when I'm not playing with her).

And my husband loves looking after her on his own so this gives me a chance to go out on my own when I want too. My mother-in-law looks after her alot too meaning that me and my husband regularly go out for the day or night - just the two of us.

My life is still much the same as it was before the baby but now it is enhanced because she is in my life.

So it is possible to have a rich, mixed life with and without your baby. Make sure you have trusted people to look after her or him - it makes all the difference.

O

Oh, and I wanted to add that now she is older I am able to take her out with me alot - eg to art galleries and cafes and museums or just for a walk around central London. Me and my husband regularly do this together with her at the weekend.

So my brain hasn't also gone to mush and I can keep doing cultural things.

I am sure she has gained from this too.

O

I was enthusiastic, but at the same time it was very much a choice. We could see (roughly) how our lives would pan out without children, and (roughly) how they'd pan out with. Both were appealing, but they weren't really entirely mutually compatible, so it was a case of deciding which was more appealing and going for it with enthusiasm.

lindalove - you've asked the most difficult question in the world, I reckon! My experience has been that, yes, having a child does change your life a great deal (and there will be things you miss desperately), and yet it somehow resets it - you appreciate tiny things, there's no longer any chance that you will be blase about what you have or the importance of things like family, relationships, friends and so on. Like you, I was never interested in babies - I wanted a family, but I had a fuzzy picture in my head of children of about 6 or 7 coming to museums and the theatre with me, the whole baby/toddler thing was a terrific shock. But, and it's a huge but, I now have three children (I had my first when I was about your age) and I am hugely proud of the fact that I staggered through the early years with them, even though I found it very hard at times, and I have also become the crazy lady who follows mothers with newborns round the supermarket because they are so delicious. It turns out that I am rather good with babies, which is suprise to many, inc myself (when long lost friends contact me on Facebook and see I have three children, they usualy respond "REALLY?").

Sorry, this is becoming an essay. What I wanted to say is that there is absolutely no need to have children if you do not want them, you can have a perfectly nice and fulfilled life without. However, if the only reason for worry is how it will change your life, then I would put that aside - you cannot know that ahead of time and there are a thousand different and perfectly acceptable ways to raise a child - one of them will fit your family. Good luck!

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