Not-a-mum-yet asks for some thoughts/advice...

[Lindalove]

Hi - I am 32, hubby is 44, and we are beginning to push around the idea of having kids. Thing is he isn't enthusiastic due to fears about our lives changing too much - though equally says he thinks he could get enthusiastic if I do. However, I'm not sure I am!

I know this all sounds horribly selfish but we have great lives that we have worked hard for. All the more reason to share it with a child I know but I want to make sure I am in the right headspace for kids to make sure if we go for it, I AM totally enthusiastic as I do believe if I am hubby will be happier too, as I think much of his concern is that I will freak out being a parent which will put pressure on us.

I suppose what I am hoping for from this site is some advice on;

Was everyone here totally enthusiastic about the idea of being a mum before they became one? Or do you just 'suddenly' become it at the right age (I don't believe this but hubby does)?

Is it just me that is afraid of the idea that I will become a totally different person?

What happens if I am crap at it/have no patience/regret it? You can't give them back (quite rightly)...

You get the picture.... etc etc. I am a total tomboy by the way if that helps explain things, and have never been maternal. My best friend has kids but has worlds of patience, unlike me, and never had a proper career, like I do.

Sorry for the angst!

I had DS when I was 36. It was planned and something that DH and I wanted very much. However the reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

I love DS very much and wouldn't be without him, but before he was born DH and I had a very equal relationship, both earned roughly the same, had a great social life. I struggled after the birth of DS to re find my own identity and found that whilst I wasn't a good natural SAHM ( was on mat leave for 12 months) I struggle to fit in everything when working, I do 4 days a week. It does feel that as a mother, the buck seems to stop with me for the burden of childcare and household responsibilities no matter how much I outsource or DH does. I think I must be somehow lacking in the selflessness gene that I require to do this without feeling sorry for myself.

I think you need to try to imagine how you will feel in 20 years time if you don't have children and also how your DH will feel. I wouldn't say its something you should enter into if you are feeling ambivalent about it, particularly as your DH has the perfect get out clause for not doing full parental duties as he can claim that having the baby was your idea.

I do think you shouldn't hold off making a decision. 32 is still young but if you do decide to go for it you may find that it doesn't happen as quickly as you expect or indeed it may not happen at all.

Good luck whatever you decide.

AnyF*cker, good name...

I hate choices being taken away from me, so I guess that speaks volumes.

I'm not assuming here that I can - but if I can and before we even TRY - I'd like to have got my head around the idea of 'maybe' and progress beyond the 'oh my god' fear I have at the idea of kids right now.

If 'maybe' turns out to be 'no' then I will then I guess have to try and get my head around that. Not easy I am sure.

Kids are the one thing you really can't analyse and prepare yourself for.

Here are a few pearls of wisdom that you can take or leave:

As a very old mother (as in I was very old when I finally had a child) I'd say that you shouldn't leave it too long - your fertility does decline by a staggering amount post-35 and if you think you might want more than one, I wouldn't leave it more than a few years

Having said that, if you and your husband haven't been together that long, you might want to spend the next year going to all night raves, trekking in Peru etc so that you've done all those lifedream things you have to do when you're still fit enough to do them

Whatever you think you're going to miss, you don't really. Or not in the way you think you're going to. I feel a bit sad that I didn't make any festivals this year but I know I'll go in the next few years when my son is a bit older. I didn't feel even slightly resentful that I couldn't go interestingly.

Having children is immensely hard work. It's probably also the most rewarding thing you'll ever do. If you have your children in quick succession and have a shared attitude towards looking after them and your home, there's no reason why you can't be enjoying hobbies again very soon. Just not together as a couple for a while. Diving is out for me for the time being for example but I did manage to go skiing last year ...

I don't think having a 'proper career' has much to do with wanting to have children or not

Lindalove, I didn't have children to have babies or toddlers or even young children. I had them because I didn't want to get to 60 and think "I wish I'd had children" - because I would've done - and then there would've been an aching void in my life - yes, I'd have had hobbies, perhaps a bridge club and lunch with friends - but my life would be staid, I would be set in my ways, not open to new ideas and not as much FUN!

Yes, the first bit's hard - but you get out of it what you put in, more than perhaps anything else in the world.

You can't gauge how you'll feel about your own children by how you feel about other people's. It's like gauging how you feel about anyone you love by seeing how you feel about the postman (unless you happen to love the postman).

Thenewme - I agree but equally I'd rather talk about it to see if it makes any difference. And to be honest just doing this today has made me feel a little less freaked out.

Rookiemater - thanks, again good advice. And strangely re-assuring to hear someone say they don't always feel selfless. To me that sounds perfectly normal!

LL, don't assume for one second that all mothers are utterly delighted with every second of their day - any more than anyone else is!

Mercy - sorry that's come out in a totally 'not a mum' type of way hasn't it re the career thing. What I meant was, she never had a job she loved like I do or got to a position of responsibilty which I admit has defined who I am. I am proud of that and what I have done. But its something for me to 'give up' that I imagine she didn't have to. Does that make sense.

In which case you see I do think a 'career' that came before can make a difference.

i can honestly say i was anything BUT delighted with my DS's first few weeks

but my goodness, toddlers are the BEST!

i am the best parent i can be - not perfect but good enough

btw lindalove, I am still in the high-powered, well-paid career I was in before I (eventually, yes there was a happy ending!) had my children

I'm really glad for you that it did. I admit it probably makes me a bit sad to say I am 'defined' by my career but its kind of hard not to like some of the things it gives you, despite the stomach ulcers and yelling (I'm a journalist).

Saying that next year I am taking my foot off the pedal a bit as decided that if hubby and I did start for kids say in a year, I needed to get some stuff out of my system.
So am aiming to work 4 days a week anyway and train to be a special police officer.

And yes, I'd like a mince pie.

LL, you can continue having a career with children. It takes juggling and it may be your priorities change (they probably will) once you have children - and it might not be the exact same career path as you're on now.

But one day, your career will end - then what?

That's what I didn't want - a future with DH and me as the end of the road, playing bridge/golf and attending funerals of friends.

Bleak, eh?!

good luck with it lindalove ,

just a teensy bit more advice for you

something so elemental as bearing children really doesn't stand up to too much scrutiny IMHO, don't overthink and don't overplan, just go with the flow or you might just drive yourself crazy

It is only one of my hobbies that has been stopped by having children- and that is because dd happens to be disabled so she can't go hillwalking. I did take her on my back when she was a baby and a toddler though, and if she hadn't developed SN, we would be out on those hills every weekend.

My other hobbies I share with her; there is nothing more enjoyable than sharing a love with someone new.

You know, I always thought I had a great fullfilled life before the DCs, When I think back about it now, I can only see a "boring"life. Dcs have definitely added a bit of mess spark in our life.

Like a lot of the other posters, I knew I wanted to have "children" one day. I've never really been that into other people's kids- I was an only child, with no real experience of babies, so always felt a bit awkward round them. I have always been keener on animals, tbh! But, as others have said, I didn't want to be old and have no family at all. dd1 was planned, but I HATED being pregnant- a lot! DH was a bit worried, I think, about whether or not I would hate the baby when it arrived. But when she was born, everything changed for me! I know it sounds corny, but I really had a "THIS is what it's all about moment" I'd done the career bit (I'm a vet), but nothing has ever given me as much personal satisfaction (or driven me quite so mad!) as having kids. I can relive my childhood with them. Life is so much more fun and although I still work (p/t), I feel like vetting is my second job- my first is being mum.

At first, with a new baby, your life is turned on its head. I have often described it to friends as a bomb going off in the middle of your life and blowing it to smithereens!! But you rebuild something better, and can still incorporate a lot of the things you used to like too- bonus! DH still has his motorbike and his cycling, I still go to the gym 2 or 3 nights a week. I still see friends and I have made loads of new "mummy friends" who I believe I will know forever now.

I watch my 3 (I liked it so much I had 3 in fairly quick succession!) growing up, and am amazed at the way they develop- they are fascinating creatures! I honestly feel like life is so much fuller now (although admittedly far more chaotic and often stressful, but it isn't a different sort of stress from work stress) I like the fact that although I will never win the Nobel peace prize, one of my children, or their children, might! I feel they are my legacy to the world, and proof that I was here.

And yet, tomorrow, when I am trying to get them all out of the door at 8am, I will no doubt be harassed and yelling, and muttering about how easy life was without them . But if you gave me the choice I would never go back.

sorry, it IS a different sort of stress from work stress!!

You should only have children if you really want them because it will be one of the hardest jobs you will ever do. It will also be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling ones too.

My DS was not planned and I have never felt broody at all. I struggled all through my pregnancy to get to grips with it. All of that changed once I had him. I love him to death and having him has made me and DH totally re-evaluate our lives. It has also driven us to the very edge of our nerves and our sanity.

Children does not have to mean the end of everything you have now but it is a huge commitment and you and your DH MUST enter into it totally on the same page as you will need each other's support 100%

I always knew I wanted children. I come from a country where family is everything. I couldn't understand people who didn't want children, I always thought that people without children couldn't possibly have fulfilling lives. Now that I've had my 2 boys, I've changed my views. Ofcourse you can have a fulfilling life without children, if you don't feel the need to have them, then don't.

I think you need to be sure you want children. You may have a difficult child, you may have a child with special needs, you may have a very easy going child, it is just not possible to predict.

I love my two boys, I've put my "proper" career on hold for them and I don't regret it. But I can see how perfectly happy couples split after having children. It is much more difficult than I ever thought.

Our first child hasn't slept properly for three years. We are constantly tired, drained, exhausted. We are a strong couple and enjoyed each other's company for many years before having children, but I can see how other couples breakup during the toddler years.

I don't regret having my DSs, but I think there are people who do. Have a look at this:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2100/555692

Whoah some pretty heavy stuff on that thread. At the same time weirdly re-assuring to read however and I think I will seek out the Torn In Two recommendation.

I do think there is truth in that you can't analyse this stuff too much and predict how you feel when you have a child, also that a lot of it will depend on the baby and what they are like.

However I DO believe in arming yourself with as much information about how others have dealt with things to try and understand, based on how you know yourself, how you might deal with the different things that could happen and try and prepare yourself for these things.

For example I think it is very likely I'd want to go back to work in some way or I might go a bit mad. Equally I think we will probably have to move at some point to be nearer to family so I can hand over the baby and have a break.

I do think it is very interesting the comments made on that thread about how its still not socially acceptable to admit maybe you find mothering boring or sometimes don't like your kids. That in my view just adds to the pressure to be perfect that already so much of society and magazines force on women - and I think is key to why I feel ambivalent. I just know I will have many days when I feel like that.

But its reassuring as I say to hear others say they do feel like that and still find joy in it.

Obv some people seem to find no joy in it at all and that worries me - but equally I think that it is probably impossible to adapt to such a change in your life overnight?

It is hard though to know that by having a baby you could be putting your happiness at risk.

The trouble is being a parent is an ever-changing state. You experience the highest highs, and the lowest lows.

Explaining what its like is a bit like trying to explain to someone else the pain of childbirth. You can't. All you can do is reassure that it is all OK in the end.

Every last one of us is on a constant learning curve, and I don't know that ever ends.

I know a few jounos, both TV and press who have combined successful careers with family (a large family in one case). I think women in general suffer inequality in all professions when they take a break for maternity leave. Its an unfortunate fact that we have to work much harder at our jobs for it not to affect it.

Is it worth it? I reckon so. Babyhood is such a short time, life resumes itself pretty normally afterwards.

What ohforfoxsake said.

There is no answer to the question "Will it be okay?" is there. I guess its like life - you just hope so and try your best.