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Parenting

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Original poster

is this inappropriate?

146 replies

myermay · 22/11/2008 21:31

Is it a dreadful thing to let you 6 year old take their ds to church whilst we attend a christening?? Admittidly i don't let him bring it out when we go for dinner as i like us all to chat but is it so bad for an hour long christening service provided the sound is turned off? i would normally take him a magazine/toys to keep him quite anyway, so is this acceptable or rude?

OP posts:

Lockets · 23/11/2008 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

christywhisty · 24/11/2008 00:42

I have no problem with ds's at all, but there is a time and a place for them like everything else and church is not one of them.

moondog · 24/11/2008 09:14

Quite Cad.
Or in extremis a small peice of hazel to whittle discreetly.

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jcscot · 24/11/2008 09:22

I have no particular opinion on computer games fora six year old. I don't think I would let them at that age, but it's up to individual parents.

However, I am strict on churchgoing and 'entertainment'. I'm a practising RC and my children (4mths & 2 years) go to church every Sunday and regularly for other occasions. I have never taken books/toys/food with me. They have to learn that church is a place for them to listen and be quiet and respectful. We sit near the front so they can see what's going on and I explain things to them (well to the 2 yo) as they're happening. Occasionally, I've had to take a crying/fractious child to the back of the church for a while (we're talking maybe three, four times at most) but by and large they behave. My toddler son has a little mass book for children and he looks at the pictures and then at the priest as he follows the service.

Sure, I have to tut at them and shush them from time to time, but I firmly believe that any child can behave in church for a limited amount of time, so long as the parents are prepared to watch and teach them during that time.

Our parish priest once said that he wanted to welcome children to church, so long as parents understood that they were expected to teach them how to behave properly. So, we can be tolerant of a toddler who's clearly learning the ropes but less tolerant of a child who should be old enough to know better or of a parent who thinks it's acceptable to allow their child to run riot with no censure whatsoever.

Children need to learn that they don't exist in a bubble and that their behaviour affects others and parents need to learn that the little darlings are not the centre of everyone's universe!

edam · 24/11/2008 09:27

at Nicky's post way back at the start about being bored for 34 years.

Agree that taking a ds would be rude and that it is a Good Thing for children to learn how to behave and to be bored occasionally. It's a church service (am tempted to put 'fgs'), show some respect!

mersmam · 24/11/2008 10:35

I agree with moondog too! We take our three (aged 4, 3 and 1) to church every Sunday and have deliberately never taken toys, colouring books etc... I admit sometimes we feel like we've been into battle and lost but I think they need to learn to 'just sit' sometimes.

TantieTowie · 24/11/2008 10:41

OK, I've only got a 22 month old so maybe I'm not with the programme as yet, but can someone tell me what a DS is...

GoodDaysAndBadDays · 24/11/2008 11:21

Personally I would say no to a Nintendo DS in church.

My 2.5 yr old attends for an hour service every week and just likes to look at her 'church books'. Granted, she has been taken to mass all her life so is used to it, and it was hard work for me to get her to this stage, but I think if a 2.5 yr old can manage a six year old should be able to.

cory · 24/11/2008 11:26

And what a six year old probably has to do every day in school. They don't get to use nintendos during assembly, you know. And some of those vicars who go in to address even non-faith schools are incredibly boring. Not to mention some headteachers...

Ekka · 24/11/2008 11:52

I would agree on the no DS in Church.... Seems like by the age of 6 he should learn to sit through a service even if he's not wildly interested.

Question for those with younger dcs - any good tips on helping them learn how to sit through services? I have a dd of 18mths & ds 1mth & we're getting them christened in jan. We're trying to teach dd about the sitting quiet/still in church, but she's v rambunctious & usually trying to run up to the altar/squeal v loudly after about 10 mins & we end up removing her 20-30mins in (depending on how much of a disturbance she's causing). BUT we can't really do that at her christening & it would be nice for us to be able to attend a bit more of the service (btw, the people at church are v nice & say they don't mind, even tho we don't go to the family service, but we feel bad about disturbing everyone else). Any tips/advice v welcome!

bella29 · 24/11/2008 12:12

Actually, I agree with the OP. DS's in church are fine. What's the problem?

bella29 · 24/11/2008 12:12

Well, no I don't agree actually.

But I did feel it was all getting a bit one-sided

mersmam · 24/11/2008 12:31

Ekka - I need advice on this as well!Our two dds have always been fairly good in church, but ds (20 months)just has so much energy it is very hard for him to sit still. Like you, we remove him if he's causing too much of a disturbance but the trouble with that is he loves running around at the back of church - so we're actually rewarding him for the behaviour we don't want!
At your ds's christening could you arrange for 3 or 4 friends relatives to have your dd on their knees for 10 minutes each? I've found that the novelty of a new face sometimes has a calming effect (for a few minutes at least!)

mersmam · 24/11/2008 12:32

Oh - i meant to say FRIENDS OR RELATIVES (meaning those at the service!)

MonnowCyclist · 24/11/2008 12:34

Ekka, any option on taking it in turns to be on child duty / participate in the service? For about three years we each effectively only went to mass once a fortnight! It did help that we persisted with the family mass (though timing was sometimes problematic for naps/lunch) as children's class runs for the first half. I think it may have helped that they could see one parent concentrating on the mass (maybe?). Took bible story picture books when younger, then as they got older had their own children's mass books to follow, but i have to say even at 8 & 10 there's still an element of day dreaming to be observed Good luck!

bella29 · 24/11/2008 12:44

How long can this one run for?

cornflakegirl · 24/11/2008 13:31

What on earth in wrong with a DS in church?!

I'm a christian. I go to church every Sunday. If a visitor to my church had a 6yo with a DS, I wouldn't care at all. Although I might ask if the child would prefer to go out to a Sunday school class, if they were on.

Church services are generally aimed at adults. If it's a church service that's trying to include children, then great, encourage the child to include themselves. But otherwise, what's the big deal?

piscesmoon · 24/11/2008 14:23

I am sure that at a christening the vicar would include the children-incredibly rude to find that when he speaks to the 6yr old he hasn't a clue what it is about because he is doing something else!! Why is it such a crime for a DC to be bored? He might not be bored if someone explained the service to him.

herbietea · 24/11/2008 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

more · 24/11/2008 14:47

I hated having to go to church, still don't like it, to me it is boring from the minute it starts right up to the end.
I will go if I am invited to a wedding, a christening or a funeral, but I will not go voluntarily and I do not expect my children to want to go and sit for something like an hour listening to people singing and praying.
I would much rather they spend an hour where they have to be quiet happy doing something they want to do than being forced to be bored.
You are right it is not going to do them any harm being bored for an hour, but I have a choice, and the choice for me is quite easy, I choose the happy, quiet child, rather than they unhappy "can we go now" child that also leaves me stressed and anxious because I know the church is filled with people judging me and my children. Judging if they are not quiet and judging if they are quietly sitting entertaining themselves .

DaphneMoon · 24/11/2008 14:47

Extremely rude to take a DS into church, not the place for one at all. Why an earth can;t children learn to sit for a while, we all had to. How did people cope before Nintendo!

Reallytired · 24/11/2008 19:30

Oh dear... the children at our church do not have to reach such high standards.

My church has lots of little bags with toys and books for visiting children. They want the children to be happy. They also have a sunday school, but its not for the whole service.

I would not allow a six year old to take a nintendo because it would take up all their concentration. There are plenty of other things they can take to amuse themselves though.

Last Sunday my son took a plastic dragon, a plastic knight and a power ranger to church. There were parts of the service he did pay full attention, but he also quietly played with his toys during long prayers. He sits in silence on the pew and the toys are beside him. No one in the church notices him.

Letting him have a couple of toys means that I can concentrate on my praying without having to shhh him or tut. My son sees church as an enjoyable experience and I think its quite likely he will go to church when he is older.

It is easy to look at our own childhood with rosey spectacles. Maybe children did sit still in silence, but was that because they were threatened with the slipper when they got home if they didn't. Also a lot of adults like more say they hate church. I find that really sad.

MollyCherry · 25/11/2008 09:19

Reallytired - your church is like ours! Book and toy bags for all ages at the back, more book boxes down the sides, a time out area in the vestry, and a vicar who on more than one occasion has done the sermon with a toddler on his hip! He actually won't allow Sunday school every week because he thinks the children should be part of the main service with their parents (much to the disgust of some of the mums who would welcome
the peace and quiet!)

myer - perhaps you could explain to DS what it's all about and try and encourage him to take an interest in it, but take something in your bag just in case he can't hack it. I find a decent sticker activity book usually works for my DD.

more · 25/11/2008 12:58

Why on earth would I (or a child) like a place where I have to
"Sit down
Shut up
Bloody listen
Speak when you are spoken to"
and if you don't do the above and make your parents "proud" or make them "look good", then you'll pay when you get home?

crankytwanky · 25/11/2008 13:32

I served someone (albeit an an adult) at a wedding who was on her DS whilst the speeches were going on. I was ! Wanted to nudge her or something. It bought out the 1950's Mother in me somewhat.
Our rule is no ds at the table, or just before bed, or when in company. Except on a train. But not on the underground. Oooh it's a social minefield.

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