I'm ashamed of my daughter

[FeelNumb]

I have two boys and so when I found out I was having a baby girl I was over joyed. I didn't go for pinks etc but bought all the pretty clothes, did the bedroom all pretty, I was looking foward to having a girl so much. I had all these ideas of having a proper dainty girly girl, princess dresses, long hair etc

Then DD was born. It went ok for the first few weeks but then I started getting comments such as "oh isn't she big?!" and "she's like a little rugby player" and I used to go home and look at her and realise she was nothing like I had imagined my daughter to be like. When she was a toddler she always looked scruffy, her hair never grew and if she wasn't dressed in pink, people thought she was a boy. One time someone looked into the buggy and DD had white trousers on and a yellow coat and she was sat there chewing a teddy and they said "oh, 3 boys...bet you'd like a girl next time?" I ended up feeling really resentful towards her

Then when she started school she was still bigger than all the other kids, she whinged constantly and the other girls didn't like her. At home she would fart and burp really loud and she just acted like a boy ALL the time. Girls clothes didn't even suit her.

Now she's 9 and still nothing like the other girls. On non uniform day the other girls all go in pretty jeans with trendy tops, DD goes in a tracksuit. She walks like a boy, plays football with the boys. One of the girls even said to her "you should have a willy in your knickers because you don't act like a girl".

DH laughs it off and I wish I could to but I'm just so disapointed with her. How awful is that? I want to ask if she will grow out of it but I know that will just make this post seem even worse.

good away nasty troll

My parents had 3 girls and then a boy. I think my dad was delighted to finally have a son he could do 'manly' things with like football, cars, sport etc.

Unfortunatly my brother HATED all these things - instead he joined the youth theatre and became involved in all things arty.

My dad was OBVIOUSLY disappointed - you could just tell by his behaviour even though he never said anything.

Now my brother is an adult but he and my dad have a VERY fragile relationship - in fact my brother tends to avoid my dad if possible

If you are for real I really think you need to do whatever it takes to sort out your feelings towards your daughter. She will pick up on them even if you try your best to hide them.

When I was a little girl I wanted a skinhead haircut, skin tight bleach splashed jeans, OX blood DM's and bomber jacket.
I would have been about 8-9 at the time....needless to say my mother wouldn't let me

I would scream blue murder if I had to wear a skirt. I remember sobbing for my entire 6th birtjday party because my mum made me wear a brown cord pinafore dress and navy blouse underneath. I can still see th eawful thing now....it had a printed scene along teh bottom of teh skirt bit. Loads of little houses with chimneys.

I'm 35 now but God I hated it.

Anyway I'm still a bit of a tom boy even now. Its not such a bad thing. I do like pretty things and my fav colour is pink but underneath it all I;d still rather do messy stuff.

I sould point out that at 8-9 I wasn't a nazi or anything like that....I just loved the image of teh girl skinheads.

I was a tomboy too. Tree climbing, toy soldiers, football, skateboards, rough and tumble.
I remember being on a beach aged 6 with a pair of blue and white striped swimsuit bottoms on. I had short blonde hair and I played with a gang of boys for hours. Until they realised I was a girl, then they all ran off going '''eeuuugh. She's a girl!''

I now, I wear make up and skirts have long blonde hair and like to do crafty things and bake and cook. But I still prefer a pint, playing pool and talking bollox with the boys rather than a girl's night out. I don't 'get' handbags or shoes. And i am totally allergic to pink!
I caused my mum a lot of pain in my teens as I hated girly shopping trips and people fussing with my hair.
But she always loved me no matter what....

i was not a pretty dainty little thing either. i was always playing football with the boys and would rather have had my teeth ripped out than wear any skirts/dresses!!

infact i remember getting my much longed for pram for xmas when i was 6 and my dad was embarresed when i pushed it up the street as he said i was like a horse pulling a cart

it all changed for me when i went up to high school and noticed all the boys from the other schools, all of a sudden i was my mums best shoping partner and it was amazing what a eyebrow wax and decent hair cut did for me

My 5yo DD spent the afternoon making aliens and dissecting them. She's also asked for hot wheels for Christmas and absolutely doesn't care one jot what she wears.

I just love her for being her, not what she looks like or likes to play with.

The girl in the OP could be me. I was always incredibly tall, and broad. I had very little hair until I was 3. I was in to mud, climbing trees, chopping logs with my dad. I was frequently mistaken for a boy by strangers. At puberty I grew my hair, became more feminine and in many people's words "blossomed". But that child who was in to rough and tumble, mud, building dens, camps in the woods etc - that's still me. Like another poster said I would much prefer a day out in the country than a day at a spa. I think you need to accept her personality. Her personality shouldn't be defined by her gender. And I actually think you need some professional help as to me it sounds like you've never bonded with your DD and I feel sad that she must be aware of that. Please go and talk to someone professional who can help you come to terms with your disappointments so you can accept who your DD is not who you want her to be.

I was a total tomboy and my family just let me get on with it
I'm quite girly now. So your daughter may well turn out 'girly' too. But if you don't watch out, you might never know how she turns out because she might just bugger off and not want to see you much

take some of this advice and get your feelings looked at. if this is real, and it's equally sad whether it's real or not IMO

oh well it's sort of an interesting discussion anyway, troll or not

yes and as trolls go, if it is one, it's not a 'dangerous' or harmful one, ios it?
And I replied n the off-chance it's genuine as I'd hate people with genuine problems or issues to not be ablke to get support/a different perspective on MN,

It is an interesting discussion, indeed - I think especially nowadays when pink/sparkly is a much more prevailing influence than it was when I was a (small, slight, fierce, fluffy-short-haired, beady-eyed, skirt-spurning) tomboy - in the 60s/early 70s, when it was just fine to wear shapeless cords & guernsey jerseys. I think the pressures are much heavier now, I really do (and nobody in my childhood would ever have made that dig about the knickers).

So Hurray! to all those other tomboys on this thread.

Separately - being a tomboy doesn't automatically mean whinging and the unsociable noises. If this post is for real, those kind of social awkwardnesses are much more seriously what's at issue here, and perhaps worth talking through with a gp.

everlong on Sat 11-Oct-08 10:46:35
"We have so many posts about not replying to trolls. DOES NOBODY EVER READ THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

Like Corpse and Fullmoon said. A discussion can be worth having anyway.

Also, I think there is a tendency on MN to sling troll accusations around every time we don't like what somebody is saying.

If your reasoning is, this has got to be a troll because noone could feel like this in RL- then go and have a look at the Stately Homes thread. It is full of people who have been scarred for life because their parents let them know that they were a disappointment. It is not that uncommon. And wouldn't it have been nicer if those parents had recognised their problems and got a grip on themselves first?

I'm glad you're not my mum, you are horrible! Get over yourself.

If the OP is still reading this, I would guess this is about how you see yourself.

Think about it. What do you look like - did your mother seem disappointed in you, when you were small?

Are you very girly or do you look a bit kind of tomboyish - are you elegant or do you fart and burp as well?

You need to focus on YOU and what has been said to you in the past to make you so scared that your little girl will grow up feeling as bad about herself as you do about yourself.

I think you saound like a caring mum with a lot of issues and you would really do well to get some counselling. It's NOT about your daughter.

Good luck xx

i knew a teenage girl like this.

now you may think i'm speaking out of turn, but just a suggestion

she may feel your resentment and already be at the stage where she 'daren't ' be girly, because she knows she won't be able to match your expectations so its much safer to be boyish. if she goes into her teenage years feeling like this she will never be able to even experiment with different looks cos it will be too much of an unveiling.

there are plenty of girly things thatr are not typically girly.

my baby boy looks like a girl btw. i even dress him in pink sometimes cos thats what i have . it doesn't bother me whether people think he is a girl or a boy at this stage..

i think you should discuss your feelings with a counsellor, i have pnd and its helping me.

you shouldn't blame yourself for your feelings, this is what causes resentment, just be aware of them.

its not her fault she is big and scruffy btw, and its certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

hth

i find this really emotive..troll or not.

you have my sympathy thats for sure.being ashamed is painful....

i suspect your feelings about your daughter say more about your sense of self and your values... i think you should get a check up from the neck up and do some thinking with help from an outsider.

you may love her and yourself in the process.

"I'm just so disapointed with her. How awful is that?"

Pretty awful but not as awful as growing up knowing you are a disappointment to your mother.

Having three happy healthy childrne is the mothelode of luck IMVHO. If you are not able to revel in each of your children then you have a problem which you need to discuss seriously with someone. The problem is not how girly your daughter is but with what you value in life.

my dd has dyspraxia, bit of adhd and hint of aspergers. I find her very hard at times - and am aware she isn't what I ordered. sometimes i feel angry and ashamed and furious with myself for not accepting her as who she is. if people judge me and tell me to pull myself together I accept this - but it isn't helpful. being honest about how I feel is more helpful and then i can start accepting her more and enjoying the good things about her. the friends who let me do this are friends indeed.

feel numb - do cat me if you want to download properly... your post made me cry, but it's been a long hard day!

Mousie I think you are kinder than most on this thread, as I too can sympathise with OP.

It makes me feel awful too but I really don't 'revel' in one of my children. In fact it is only since having the second that I know and understand what it is to love a child so immensely that you would die for them.

I didn't and still don't really feel that intense love with the first one, which makes me really really sad because I am afraid he might guess. he is genuinely gorgeous and lovely, but although I know this objectively I can't link it into my own emotions about him - I feel like he is nothing to do with me, the good things anyway. It's like he isn't really mine.

I don;'t understand it and I have struggled with it a lot recently as I've become more aware of it in contrast to my other child and the way I love him so easily.

I'm going to have some therapy in a few weeks and hoping to address this stuff. I asked for some when I was pregnant but I only got 6 months and it wasn't nearly enough.

HAs anyone noticed that feelnumb only made two posts - this has to be a troll? And im really crap at getting sucked in but honestly........

I can relate to the surprise of not having the daughter you expected. I was expecting a teeny, dainty, wee blonde whisp of a thing. My daughter was born and she was enormous, had a shock of thick black hair and was furious with everyone and everything. She has spent the past 2 years trying to organise the world better to her liking.

And you know what? I am so bloody grateful that I have this wonderful, determined, bolshy, obstreperous little creature in my life. She wrong-foots me at every turn. I tear my hair out (on mumsnet usually!). Bugger the little sweet tempered girly girl I was expecting - I had a personality all mapped out for her. My firey little daughter tore up that script and I love that she did. I am terrified of being her mum sometimes and I know I'll get things wrong, but I will never ever wish for her to be smaller, sweeter or predictable. I could never have imagined dd, because before having her my imagination simply wouldn't have stretched that far.

you may be right - in which case it's just me that feels crap about my dd sometimes!... goes off to ponder (more) therapy.