I'm ashamed of my daughter

[FeelNumb]

I have two boys and so when I found out I was having a baby girl I was over joyed. I didn't go for pinks etc but bought all the pretty clothes, did the bedroom all pretty, I was looking foward to having a girl so much. I had all these ideas of having a proper dainty girly girl, princess dresses, long hair etc

Then DD was born. It went ok for the first few weeks but then I started getting comments such as "oh isn't she big?!" and "she's like a little rugby player" and I used to go home and look at her and realise she was nothing like I had imagined my daughter to be like. When she was a toddler she always looked scruffy, her hair never grew and if she wasn't dressed in pink, people thought she was a boy. One time someone looked into the buggy and DD had white trousers on and a yellow coat and she was sat there chewing a teddy and they said "oh, 3 boys...bet you'd like a girl next time?" I ended up feeling really resentful towards her

Then when she started school she was still bigger than all the other kids, she whinged constantly and the other girls didn't like her. At home she would fart and burp really loud and she just acted like a boy ALL the time. Girls clothes didn't even suit her.

Now she's 9 and still nothing like the other girls. On non uniform day the other girls all go in pretty jeans with trendy tops, DD goes in a tracksuit. She walks like a boy, plays football with the boys. One of the girls even said to her "you should have a willy in your knickers because you don't act like a girl".

DH laughs it off and I wish I could to but I'm just so disapointed with her. How awful is that? I want to ask if she will grow out of it but I know that will just make this post seem even worse.

What is she asking, exactly? I think she wants honest opinions.

Yes, she has been honest. Bravo. I applaud people confronting their deepest, darkest feelings. But if she wants honest answers and suggestions as to what to do, well...If she were a friend confiding this to me, I would say the same thing:

You are focussing on all the wrong things about your daughter.

Your attitude is potentially incredibly damaging to your little girl.

You really need to get some help with addressing whatever it is within you that is making you feel this way, or you are in danger of screwing your daughter up.

The truth hurts sometimes.

i consider it the biggest blessing in my otherwise mostly sorry life that neither one of them is a thing like me, witch.

I am happy my boys dont have my TEMPER.

I have a son in the midst of a gaggle of very girly girls who is now mid teens

He is a little effeminate(sp?) sensitive, takes enormous pride in his appearance, straightens his hair, is very very pretty but very much a boy

I love that he has taken so much from his sisters, he will make a wonderful husband one day. If he discovers he is gay, then he will make a wonderful partner to any man too. He is happy as he is. He knows he isn't an average boy but he doesn't give a damn either

I thought when I found out at birth I have a boy, I thought of the football and boys toys we would enjoy. IT hasn't happened but I adore him for him

Why can't you accept your little girl? It's very sad. In a house of brothers, of course she is going to behave a little like them. I bet aswell, she knows how you feel which is awful

Please see her for her without putting your expectation and stereotypes on her

She sounds absolutely delightful

Yes I like what Onebatmother said and hope my post wasn't totally dismissive.When I first found out dd was not "typical" I guess I went through a process of grieving that she would never do the normal "girlie" things.

The thing is you never know what your dcs are going to be like and at the end of the day although its hard,you had imagined a "girly" girl,you have a daughter who is unique in her way.Maybe turn it on its head-perhaps she will be so cool at football she could play for England LadiesIf shes happy with her self image I'd go with it and support her,even though she may not be the girly girl you had imagined.BTW I was never girly and used to drive my mum mad with the way I dressed etc and drove her nuts as a teenager,but now we get on really well and are really close.

I was like that too. And like sheila says, it's actually an advantage in many ways. Though I'm more feminine now and like clothes and so on, I'm not overly bothered about appearance/weight, I'm not ruining my body with yoyo dieting or having it mutilated in the name of beauty. I've had my choice of men, when I was younger, and now am happily settled and a mum. But your DD would benefit from your wholehearted approval and support. Try to let go of what you think she should be like - where did that come from anyway. What if you had a camp, effeminate son - would that be OK? What about a child with special needs? Taking pride in your child makes such a difference to them. And the world is full of wonderful, beautiful and happy people of all kinds who don't fit those very narrow parameters of how people should look and what they should wear.

I was a desperate tomboy as a child.... and I had three sisters. At around puberty, quite naturally, I put down the football and fishing rod and blossomed into a very girly girl. I remember I once got lost at a point to point. I was about 9 and I was taken to the organisers' office where they announced over the tannoy that they had found "a boy with brown hair and freckles" It took an awfully long time for my parents to come and rescue me as you can imagine and I remember my mother saying to one of the people who made the announcement: "But she is wearing patent shoes!"

I was a total tomboy until aged about 11. Like your daughter, i was big for my age and loved doing rough "boyish" stuff. My parents actually quite encouraged that actually (I still have a sneaking suspicion that my dad would have actually preferred a son, lol).

BUT when I was a teenager (from about 12 onwards) I became a total girly girl - obsessed with hair, fashion, make-up, BOYS! In fact I was a right little prima donna. Don't assume your daughter is "fixed" this way forever and please don't try to force her to become more "feminine" - it will almost certainly happen once those hormones kick in, whether you like it or not!

at short hair, freckles, jumper and shorts.
And patent Mary-Janes..

Are you George?

lol expat, great minds think alike.

To the OP, sorry if we were suggesting that you were not for real. Lots of stuff happening on mnet recently.

If I can be of any help I would say that if your DD is third child with two older brothers then that can impact on her personality. She will take her lead from them and try to fit in. I reckon by the time she reaches puberty this will change and she will go for the feminine side. Try to encourage it a little without putting pressure. i.e shopping, nails, girly stuff. If she isn't into clothes then go shopping and give her some advice. Gently, this looks lovely on you etc. Good luck from one mum who had a daughter she didn't expect

Actually, thinking back, I was also a bit of a tomboy. Climbing trees, playing football, fishing, getting stuck on roofs, jumping off roofs, climbing over buildings rather than around them, etc etc. I was not pretty. I had thin blonde hair. I started changing around 14. Lost my puppy fat, got womanly shapes, got an interest in clothes, bonded with my mum, coffee shops, clothes shopping, theatre trips, holidays abroad together. I was a daddys girl till age 14, then a mummys girl. I became pretty too.

It is not too late.

I think they asked me my name "What's yer name, sonny?" I would have been too cross to answer. a boy with brown hair, freckles and flaring nostrils.

That is quite sad, there is a Mum in dd's class who has a very girly girl, she has perfect clothes and pigtails at all times, she is lovely. At a party recently I met her other daughter who basically looks like a boy, I would be hard pressed to tell the sex of this child (around 11).

She was also lovely, played with the younger kids a treat and was just generally great.

My Dd isn't a born girly girl but has recently asked for barbies and bratz due to peer pressure. She wouldn't countenance any girly toys before she started school.

I would say to you GET A LIFE, not all girls are girly girls interested in fashion and pink.

Encourage whatever she is interested in, and tell her she is beautiful anyway.

i was a tomboy. I am totally huge in stature and there is nothing i can do about it. my physique is that of a man, so rather than fight against it i just go with the flow.

Your daughter is surrounded by boys, of course she is going to want toplay football and join in with teh boys' games.

Dont be ashamed of her. embrace the fabulous daughter you have not pine for the one you dont.

I was frequently mistaken for a boy up to as old as 12! Once even by a boy of my own age, who spent the first few days he knew me thinking I would be a good (male) mate. (The poor thing was so embarrassed when he realised.)

I used to get "sonny" all the time too.

The thing is my mother used to get totally fed up with our long hair and shout (and shout) at us for not brushing it properly and then we would be periodically marched off to the hairdressers for a tuppenny all off and we would all suddenly look like boys and then she would shout at us for not having long hair. Perhaps it seemed simpler to me to emulate a boy.

Lots of messages since I read.

TBH my DD has never been one thing or the other. Not girly but not tomboyish either. Even now in her mid teen she cannot be defined as one way or the other. (Oh that sounded weird, no I know she likes boys, just not happening yet). I wouldn't worry.

thank you miyazaki

now, if this post is real... isnt it a shame so many people are so quick to condemn rather than to help? piling on the shame is not going to help this woman to work through this people. and the girl needs her to.

I think it helps not to have any preconceptions of what your DC will be like because you may well be disappointed. If you have an open mind from the start it is easier to nurture and encourage what you have. I would have liked a DD because I will never experience the mother/daughter relationship, but common sense tells me that we might not necessarily have had the relationship that I envisaged!

Just read the first page..

Please don't feel like this.. I know someone exactly the same -- not the girly girl her parents had hoped for and really her self esteem is still low into early middle age.

My daughter plays football and wears jeans and stopped wearing pink aged about three. On charity week at the school I sponsored her to wear girls clothes for a week and her class joined in. Don't feel ashamed of your daughter, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, she's lovely. (well apart from the burping and farting but I wouldn't accept that in a boy either!)

your dd sounds just like the child i used to be apart from i was very tiny. I never wore pink, dressed like a boy (baggy jeans, black t-shirt), liked playing boys games, hated barbie, dolls, ponnies etc. My mum hated the fact she could never put me in a dress but she still did'nt force the issue and loved me for who i was.

I think the fact i had an older brother made me more of a tom boy, i wanted the same toys, same clothes, same freinds as my brother.

Once i got to 14-15 i started to try wearing girly clothes, make up and girly shoes but only if going out with a group of girls (school disco etc) but at home i would still wear baggy jeans and t-shirts.

I think being different is'nt a bad thing, who wants to be the same as evryone else, would'nt the world be boaring if we all dressed the same and had the same hair cut?

Love your dd for who she is, as long as she in happy then i don't see the problem.

The truth is, she may grow out of it, she may not. I never did. I would still prefer climbing a muddy slope or swimming a rough sea to a beauty parlour any day. I never wear make-up and hate shoppping.

But then I'm in an academic job, where it isn't particularly an advantage to look pretty-pretty: you get judged on other things anyway.

I also found that there are plenty of men out there attracted by a cheerful female who will pitch in and do anything.

When my dd was born, naturally I thought I would have another tomboy who would join me walking the ridges in the rain and never cry when she hurt herself. Ha! Dd not only is fairly feminine, but also has chronic health problems which means we are never going to share those mother-daughter moments I dreamt about. Not those particular moments. But we have plenty of other moments instead. And they're good! Things we have in common which I hadn't perhaps thought about.

What helps me is knowing that I wasn't exactly the dd my Mum had dreamt about (I think she had something pinker in mind ); yet she has made it abundantly clear that what I am is more precious to her than what she had thought I would be.

My dd has turned out to be far more intelligent, mature and entertaining than I had ever dared hope for.

So have another look at your dd; not for the qualities you thought she might have but for any she may actually have.

I was a tomboy too. Which pleases ds2 - he has one tomboy friend (who he adores). I still look scruffy now and given the choice between doing something like rock climbing (which I can't say I've done a lot of) or shopping, it'll be rock climbing every time.

Some of the real tom boys I've known became very girly at puberty so she might suddenly get into all that stuff. If she doesn't just be happy she's making her own way in life and not following a group, if she can carry on doing that she'll be happier.