Why are so many parents overly concerned about how others bring up thier children?

[Hulababy]

Not read most of the threads going today on related topics, but seen them arising and tons of times before. Not just here - on other parenting sites and in RL too.

Why are some people so concerned over what other mums and dad's do, in terms of parenting?

Why does it matter if another mum

• wants a natural birth or a cs?
• wants to breast feed or bottle feed, or both?
• wants to co sleep or not?
• wants to wean at 4 months or 6 months?
• wants to use jars of food or make their own?
• lets their child have the odd fast food or only ever has freshly prepared organic stuff?
• follows a strict routine or lets baby lead everything?
• AND any everything in between?

ETC ETC ETC

I know that I am iunterested in people's parenting decisions and their reasons behind it - but that's all. Just interested.

I don't feel it is my right to criticise anyone else (unless causing actual harm.injury obviosuly)?

Just because one way of doing something is right or wrong for me and my circu,stances, it doesn't mean it is right or wrong for someone else - surely?

I just find the perpetual bickering and criticisms between parents so...hmmm.....odd I guess. We pretty mcuch all want the same goal - happy, healthy children. Why does it matter if we all get there in different ways?

Okay, rant over!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1375&threadid=61736

for some warm fuzzies as requested by HM

Good post frogs.

(Though I hope you realise that your kids are screwed- jarred food and wotsits in a tellyless house really is indicative of poor parenting IMO.

)

agree with hardcore enid, scummy and the others she agrees with.

I come on here to see differing opinions about parenting. I like the honestly. I agree with Hula up to a point - I don't like outright criticism. But I do accept that once opinions get aired, someone might feel offended, and on balance, it's better that opinions are in the open. I don't know what goes on in the weaning and breast feeding/bottle feeding threads much - is it very tough out there?

The thing is, also, if you stick around here long enough you see people change their minds and come off their high horses. People with precious first borns, who can't ever imagine feeding them wotsits, are convinced their darling will never have a tantrum, are totally against gameboys etc etc - well give them a few years and see how many 'I hate my terrible,tantrumming 6 year old, he keeps asking for coke all the time, is his gamebly to blame?' type of threads they start!

Good post Frogs!

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Thwack! .... and I agree with soapbox too.

In fact I'd go a bit further and say that arguments and accusations of "judging" are, sadly, inevitable here - even if misguided.

After all, if I decide to (for example) feed my child a particular way, obviously I do so because I've decided that that is the best way....so, it's likely that I'll think another way of doing it is less good. If I thought the other way was better I'd be doing it!

Yes, of course I know that what's best for my child isn't necessarily best for another child, and that a different decision might be just as good etc etc... but when all's said and done, I do what I do because I think it's best.

Does that mean I judge other people? No. But as frogs points out, it's all too easy for a positive statement ("I feel I'm doing the right thing") to be interpreted by someone else as a negative one ("So, I feel you're doing the wrong thing") when that wasn't at all the intention.

It's exactly for this reason that I don't feel completely comfortable discussing my parenting decisions/habits here - tend to lurk and ponder, rather than jumping in with both feet as I do in most other situations....

tigermoth... of course, only home-knitted yoghurt for MY precious firstborn ....

ta guys
I'm in navel gazing mood this week and feeling a bit down about all the bitchiness mums seem to dole out to each other - more in RL than on mumsnet it seems to me
it was really interesting reading this thread
With me it's only parenting that brings out this demon of getting overly involved - couldn't give a toss what people get up to in the rest of their lives. Seeing the way other people jump in with their opinions with me too, sometimes I think it does come from a good place 'being concerned about kids and families and their health and happiness', but gets twisted a bit into 'I know better than you'.
I'm really impressed some of you don't feel this need to get so involved and can offer opinions without sounding like criticisms. My opinions always seem to sound like 'and you are crap' - must be the way I say it , slopes off. . .

Very interesting. Think a lot of it is down to interpretation of what is an opinion and what is criticism (as discussed eloquently by Frogs and her "implied criticism"). And I do think that people are often over-sensitive and take a difference of opinion as criticism.

ROFL twiglett. I do remember weaning ds1 the organic way and he merrily ate all the muck I dished up in front of him. Oh how smug I was. I was the perfect weaning mummy. I now spend my life trying to convince myself that crisps are vegetables really (they'd better be as he doesn't eat any others), and I clapped with glee when he started eating chocolate biscuits again (I'm sure chocolate has iron in it somewhere).

I've oiften said that I wished I'd posted on here before ds1's regression as it would have recorded a massive u - turn on so many issues. I would have enjoyed reading what I used to be like

I would only be concerned if a child was being mistreated otherwise I tend to live and let live

Message withdrawn

ah jimjams, I'm sure those choc biscuits are packed full of iron. Know what you mean about the U turn, I too would have liked to read posts from me about my non tantrumming, easy peasy baby ds1.
(ps, I think you meant me not twiglett!)

oh dear goodness I gave birth to my brain 8 weeks ago. I did mean you

The added irony is that ds1 was such an easy baby I'm sure I thought I had the answers for everything. Ha ha ha ha ha (sound of bitter laughter)

In RL when you first have a baby and meet some one else who has just had baby - these are obvious questions to ask - they start a conversation

The questions are ice breakers in RL and this web site is for people to get advice, voice opinions.

Not criticise - if some one does criticise for doing any of these things just ignore them

as a first-time mum, I'm very, very sensitive to crticism from other mums. Particularly when they criticise me for not trying controlled crying (I don't care if DS gets up once or twice for scoff!) or picking up DS when he starts girning on the floor. My sister says its water off a ducks back when number 2 comes along!

What gets me is that I thought other mums would be more supportive. I bloody hate these mums groups with everyone eyeing up what their baby is up to and the bitching that goes on afterwards. I much prefer just me and DS or the old grannies I meet at the park!

I even went out and bought a parenting book (Dr Sears) to reassure me that I'm actually OK. pPthetic isn't it

i went to a sort of mock-up of a parenting workshop (it was recorded for a colleague's radio programme) and so we were all sort of playing up for the mic iykwim.
anyway, when we were asked to remember difficult situations and how we'd handled them (tantrum was the obvious eg we were given) she said oh, that's never happened to me, so I don't have anything to contribute so someone prompted her a little - perhaps when you've disagreed over something (her child was older than ours) and she said No, that had never happened. we all looked aghast, like she was a Stepford Parent, and needless to say she just sat on the sidelines. weird.

ROFL Bundle!

What's a tantrum?

Frogs and Tigermoth have said it all for me I think. ROFL at hardcore Enid, what a picture that conjures up.

I just think that people are getting their knickers in a knot about nothing at the moment.

Yes, Mumsnet can be bitchy, yes, harsh criticisms can be thrown around but it is an open form on the world wide web. It's not like in RL where, to a certain extent we can control the people we chat too or socialise with. ANYONE can barge in on a conversation and add their two pence worth. If you can't take the heat then get out of yeh kitchen I say. (But don't start a thread announcing it )

Frogs is spot on, and I agree with scummy, "hardcore" Enid and everybody else that has agreed with them.
I have been getting quite peed off recently, both here and in RL with the way that some people can interpret my pride at having made what I consider to be the right decisions as a criticism of them for not making those same decisions. I am stil bf my 10 month old ds, didn't start solids until 6 months (well except 3 spoons of baby rice) and feed my family healthy homecooked meals every day. I am very proud of all of these. But I feel I have to downplay the effort I put into ensuring decent food goes into my children with other mothers as they then get defensive about the fact they give their kids fishfingers every night. I don't really care what you feed your kids - I'm happy with what I feed mine, (I actually enjoy cooking) and I'm happy that you make the right choices for you - but don't make me feel guilty for being "better" than you.

I also like hearing that other people do things differently, and it does make me change my mind. I remember a very old thread where I'd said that I had TV on in the background all the time - usually VH1 or CNN. Aloha told me that it wasn't really healthy for my kids to have that - apparently it creates couch potatoes (though she put it much better than that). I didn't get anoyed with her for saying that, I didn't feel that she thought I was a bad mother or a bad person, I just read her argument, thought she probably had a point and switched off the TV.

well I draw a picture on a sticker to go on dd1's sandwiches everyday so she'll find it when she has her lunch, that makes me better than any of you

Aw Enid, that is so sweet