New mum and out of my depth

[AnnVan]

My little boy is one week old. I've never been a maternal person, or any good with babies. This hasn't changed, and I just feel so hopeless, like I'm no good with him. My partner is brilliant at settling him etc, but he does seem to be a very screamy baby a lot of the time which just makes things worse. What do I do with him? Any tips for settling a baby that seems to be screaming for no apparent reason? Will I ever feel comfortable handling him and interacting with him? At the moment I love it when he's asleep, and dread him waking up. When he's awake I just want him to go back to sleep. I feel like a bad mother. I'm dreading DP going back to work next week, bacause then I'll be alone with him, and I don't know what to do.

Are you b/feeding? I find that a good way to settle DD but it's a double edged sword as I don't really know any other way to comfort her, although singing to her does often calm her down.

Annvan - stop being so harsh on yourself! You're not a bad mother. We all want our babies to sleep, especially as you gave birth just one week ago and you are still exhausted.

Babies cry, some more then others, it doesn't mean you are a bad mother, far from it!

My dd1 cried loads, I used to carry her a lot in a sling in a desperate attempt to get her settled.

the first few weeks can be very hard IME

my DS was a screamer and a non sleeper and i though i was going NUTS (turned out he had reflux)

Anyway, if you are both dressed and fed that is ok

try swaddling or putting him in a sling - these are very comforting things - also if he is a screamer then take him out in the buggy and get some fresh air - he will probably sleep and the screaming sounds less intense when it isn't bouncing off four walls

you will feel comfortable - it is an adjustment for both of you

have you any family or friends nearby or another MNetter?

Have posted on the August 08 thread as well, but will post here too cos you sound like you really need the support

First off, you must take the pressure off yourself. Your DS is only one week old, he's brand new, still getting used to the world. You are still recovering from the birth, not to mention a long and physically demanding pregnancy, as well as getting used to having the baby around.

I felt EXACTLY the same in the first week with my son - that I was a crap mum because all I was doing was feeding and nappy changing whereas DP was doing all the soothing and interacting stuff, also that I liked DS best when he was asleep and dreaded him waking up because I just didn't know what to do with him. But you will find your way with your boy, it just takes time. Things are so different with me and DS already and he's only 3 weeks

I found the first 6 weeks very hard going. It's normal to feel out of your depth at first. Both dh and I thought we had made a dreadful mistake! That all changed though.
Have you friends or family to come round when dp goes back to work? Also make sure you get out the house. Stick baby in the pram and go. Don't worry if he is screaming-people expect new babies to cry. And don't worry if you feel a mess - all new mums are a mess unless they have an army of servants.

Welcome to motherhood
Babies do scream and cry and most of the time its for no reason .

Give yourself a break he is only 1 week old you are NOT a bad mother and not being maternal does`nt make you a bad mother either

He wasnt born with a manuel you wont know what to do but you will eventually and you will relax and start to enjoy him HONESTLY.

Being a first time mum is a massive shock nothing can prepare you for it .

Any questions ask the health visitor that is part of her job to make you feel at ease

Oh, and if you manage to get dressed most days, yo uare doing very indeed!

very well, that should say!

could he have bad trapped wind or colic? my ds was always windy and turned out he had silent reflux also

if bottle feeding make sure has no thrush of the tongue as this can affect there feeding and settling

if your anxious around him he may pick up on this so try to just have fun blow bubbles on belly etc and if you feel really down and useless please visit gp doesnt make you a bad mum i took myself as anxieties were bad and i didnt want to wake up of a morning etc i had borderline pnd

have some special time go to abby groups you can even take parenting classes which is great as other like minded mums no one knows how to be a mum we learn it and it doesnt happen in first week i was confisdent by the time he was a month and settling better

feed on demand rest as much as you can tiredness clouds your rational thoughts and ask hv about the parenting classes they teach you from feeding bathing weaning teething every aspect and really great to be around other mums in same situation

just remember this has no baring on you your not a bad mum no one knopws what to do its daunting in the early days with demanding abby but most of all relax around him walk and sing and pat back rock him enjoy him i used to love laying on my bed we called it mummy and baby time

id sing id massage him with baby massage oil i'd talk to him and just lay with him it really helped with the bonding

no good at writing baby today

Yes, you will- but you may need help just at the moment. It sounds like you could possibly be suffering from post natal depression. This is common and no indication at all of whether you are a good mum or not. But it may mean you need help. See your HV or your GP.

Even without PND most new Mums panic when they are first left on their own with a new baby. It is scary. But it will get better. And your feelings now are no indication as to how you will get on later. You may just need time to get to know each other- perfectly normal. Or you may be one of those people who get more out of the later stages of childhood.

A couple of things may help:

you can walk him around and sing to him or talk to him or recite nursery rhymes or the weather forecast or whatever. It is easier not to panic while you're vocalising.

you need to remind yourself that new babies cry a lot anyway; this doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong; it's allowed! frankly, there's not a lot else they can do at this stage

accept that you won't necessarily be able to settle him every time

you can walk away and leave him for a short time if it gets too much. It won't kill him to cry for 5 minutes while you're making yourself a cup of tea

find something to get you out of the house; even if it's just walking round the block, try to keep yourself busy; or get someone to come to you

do not compare your parenting with that of your dh; you're the Mum, you'll be fine- and there will be days in the future when your dp is equally flummoxed

I don`t actually remember the first few weeks .Must of blocked it out of my mind cos I went on to have dd.

I do remember DH driving in the car with DS around at 3a.m in his p.js though

Get out and about. It makes the day go faster and at that age you can be purely selfish and do things for you as the baby doesn't care. Find cafes you feel happy in, bookshops, shops, parks, museums, galleries - if your baby screams walk until they're happy again. Walk for a long way with them - they mostly like the buggy movement (if your's doesn't fix that one pronto!), you get some head space as you walk and also feel fitter, so can stop at cafes and have the odd cake or two without guilty What you're feeling's normal I think. It's a really hard adjustment, but virtually everyone feels it. Definitely though get out and about and find a new rhythm - I'd have gone mad if I'd stayed in all day.

I felt like you did and it took me a while to bond with my son. I look back on his first few weeks/months as a nightmare really as he cried a lot and it took me a long time to adjust to motherhood. He had colic and reflux and it was all just very hard work. I felt really guilty about it all and I feel for you.

For me it did get easier and my love for him just gradually grew and grew and over time I felt like a proper mum! He's now 2 and I can't tell you how much I adore him!!

Try to just take each minute/hour/day at a time and it will get easier. You're not a bad mum, you're the best mum in the world for your little boy.

you sound exactly how you should sound after just having a baby - people tell you its hard work, but you never can be prepared for the "SHOCK" that you get when the baby arrives! it is a massive shock to the system and it takes some getting used to, but it does get easier and soon you will get into some sort of a routine and start relaxing about things.

i remember one night with ds1, i was lying in bed and dh was trying to console his screams and i was just thinking to myself - god i've changed my mind! what have i done!?

we all get thoughts like this, especially on the first. but it will get easier. try to sleep when your baby sleeps, the more rest you get the easier (well less difficult anyway) it will be to cope. if you want to sleep, unplug the phone and stick a note on the door telling visitors to call back later - they wont mind - they would rather be told not to knock the door than know that they have woken you up.

keep up the great work - you are doing fabulously! well done mummy, and congratulations.

Agree with Redhead - it's very very common to feel this way after the birth of your baby. Your body has had a huge shock giving birth, and added to that, your hormones are all over the place - many women experience the 'baby blues' in the days after giving birth, not necessarily full blown post natal depression, but a horrible feeling nevertheless.

It's very early days Ann, honestly
My dd was a screamer...whenever she was awake she seemed to be crying! can truly say the first 6 weeks were absolutely awful and I felt like a terrible mother.

things that helped-swaddling her, the usual jiggling/rocking. she liked being held upright best. make sure your ds is winded properly...

no matter how bad things seem now they WiLL get better, and soon

things improved for us from 6 weeks, then a lot more from 2-3 months

that may seem a long way off now but believe me it's no time at all

look after yourself too, eat properly, try and grab sleep when you can (generally when the baby's asleep-I used to nap holding her),
try and relax if you can-I think my dd definitely picked up how stressed I was!

You are doing fine and things will improve I promise you

oh and carrying dd in a sling helped too-usually sent her off to sleep whereas she hated being in a pram and would scream non-stop...

Sounds quite normal to me, I remember feeling the same when my ds1 woke up, I would wish him back to sleep again. You are not a bad mother (unless I am as well and I am pretty sure I'm not).
You probably need more sleep and baby needs more comfort. Get into bed with him and cuddle up with him and sleep. First weeks/months are tough. When he is awake put him in the pushchair and go out for a walk, good for you mentally (and physically) and calming for him.
Try to ease him into a sleep routine so you know when he is going to be sleeping.

My ds1 is 3 1/2 and dts 1 1/2 and I very often like them more when they are sleeping than when they are awake !

These are the bits that we all forget about having a tiny baby because it all just becomes a big blur.

I felt like you too! Not very maternal, completely out of my depth and at one point told my DH that I wasn't sure whether having a baby was the right thing for me.
I remember how scary it was being left with my own baby for the first time when DH had to return to work.

When I look back now, I realise how normal this is.
I found it helpful to have a good cry myself as I was very hormonal (as most new Mums are) and to talk openly about my feelings to my DH. Going for a walk everyday helped (even if it was just to buy a pint of milk).
BTW - If speaking honestly, I didn't bond with my DD until she was about 8 weeks old when we did baby massage.
The bonding will come; I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself. The first few weeks are about adjustment and you'll be fine ... you've managed to share your feelings on MNet (which is more than what I managed).

Completely agree with all of the above. It is a massive shock having a baby rely on you and change your life so dramatically! My DS is now 10 weeks old and it is a pleasure to be with him, but I found the first 7 weeks extremely difficult. I'd also recommend a brilliant book called Baby Bliss by Dr Harvey Karp. Good luck; keep smiling and it won't be long before your little one is smiling back at you

AnnVan you sound sooooo like I did when my first child was one week old. I was terrified, completely non-maternal and didn't feel like I was ever going to get the hang of it.

You've had some great advice that I'm not going to repeat. But please accept that your feelings are totally normal. Go with it, do your best and don't beat yourself up.

The baby that turned my life inside out is now six years old and I've just been watching her doing her first gymnastics class. I watched her trotting over to help a younger girl that fell over and I welled up with pride. I don't know why I'm telling you that really - just that further down the line these hard days will be such a distant memory and there's lots of really good stuff to come!