New mum and out of my depth

[AnnVan]

My little boy is one week old. I've never been a maternal person, or any good with babies. This hasn't changed, and I just feel so hopeless, like I'm no good with him. My partner is brilliant at settling him etc, but he does seem to be a very screamy baby a lot of the time which just makes things worse. What do I do with him? Any tips for settling a baby that seems to be screaming for no apparent reason? Will I ever feel comfortable handling him and interacting with him? At the moment I love it when he's asleep, and dread him waking up. When he's awake I just want him to go back to sleep. I feel like a bad mother. I'm dreading DP going back to work next week, bacause then I'll be alone with him, and I don't know what to do.

AnnVan - find some baby massage classes? It's a great way to connect with your baby.

You are not a bad mum. Having a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done. I was never that bothered about having children until I got pregant and have never really liked babies and little kids - still don't that much, just mine !! Will actually admit there were times in the first couple of months when I wondered if I had done the right thing by having a child because I didn't really enjoy it at all BUT it does get better. The turning point for me was when dd started really smiling and I just found every week started to get a little bit easier as my confidence grew and she turned into more of a little person who acknowledged my existence. She is now 24 wks and I was in floods of tears at the weekend preparing to go back to work after maternity leave as the thought of leaving her was too hard. This is from the woman who would have happily gone back 8 weeks after she was born because I couldn't cope with it and wanted to escape. Hang on in there and don't be so hard on yourself

just wanted to echo what everyone else is saying.. of course you are not a bad mum - you are adjusting to a VERY different life and are full of crazy hormones flying around your body.. give yourself a break and know that every (normal) mother felt exactly as you do now when they had their first baby.
I found the first few weeks of my ds's life totally overwhelming and tbh i can't remember them clearly but after some weeks and months the fog began to lift.. but i did literally cling to my poor dh begging him not to go back to work the night before he did (poor guy!) - only to find the next day that actually i COULD cope and somehow bbeing on my own with ds for a few hours was a good time to bond with him..
he is nearly 2 now and just wonderful all the very best to you xxx

My DS is 6 weeks old and for me information has been key. I've read loads of books which have made me more confident. As I've got more confident and known what I want my interactions to be like and the routine I want us to have, so baby has got more comfortable with me - they're clever little things really as they pick up on your worries and that worries them - hence the crying.

The best books so far have been:
Happiest Baby on the Block
The Gentle First Year

The fact that you're worrying about it and are prepared to ask for help means that you're going to be a great mum - you just need to get into the swing of it :-)

Just adding my support and agreeing with everyone else's wise words.

Before you have a baby you sort of know that babies cry, but I don't think you realise how much crying they do (it makes sense really, it's pretty much their only way of getting what they need at that stage), or how much it will bother you.

I found the first few months really hard with both of my DSs, but it really does get better quickly and goes so fast in the scheme of things. Please try to find some time to be nice to yourself - I sometimes used to just go and sit on a park bench and leave DP with ds1 when it all got a bit much. just 10 minutes away from it can be all that you need.

AnnVan - if it helps, I don't think I really bonded or wanted to be with my DC1 until he started smiling at me. Then everything changed and I craved time with him, wanted him to be awake and smiley and all was well. WIth my other DCs it was love at first sight but I know with DC1 it just wasn't - your first baby is such a shock to the system. Nothing can prepare you for it. And my relationship with DC1 (who is a whopping 21 now) is very close - no long-term harm was caused by those dodgy first weeks. Keep at it - and it won't always be like this.

Don't panic about being left on your own with the baby - it's sooooo much easier! you feel more confident by yourself and less likely to second-guess every decision.

With DS1 I felt DH instinctively knew how to everything and I was just this big fat frumpy blob who did all the behind-the-scenes menial stuff like laundry, etc, while DH got to ponce around dressing DS1 up in fancy outfits, singing to him, etc etc. That passed as soon as DH went back to work, and I saw how DS1's little face gazed at me all day.

The crying is a nightmare. Remember: You are not MAKING them cry, you're just ALLOWING them to cry. And it's not half as irritating for anyone else as it is to you. (Other peoples' babies' cries don't sound half as bad, do they?) So don't be afraid to get out and about with The Screamer. You won't be pissing anyone off!

Join some sort of class so you can find other mums to moan to! And look forward to having the chance to find your feet when DH exits. The worst part about being a new Mum, for me, was that feeling that everyone is judging your mothering skills. You feel you have to justify every decision you've made, telling supermarket cashiers "Oh, he's wearing two blankets today because he looked a bit cold; I know that overheating is a SIDS factor but he's only got one T-shirt on underneath..." etc. Aargh, I hated that. The feeling you're on display.

Believe me, nobody is judging you. If we stare at you, we're just admiring your beautiful baby. F*ck everyone else, and start discovering what a wonderful mum you can be. And your baby hasn't had any others, so they won't be comparing you o anyone.

LOL

I clicked on here to post lots of good advice/sympathy/reassurance and it's all been said already.

Read it, digest it, take the bits out of it that work for you and ditch those bits that don't.

I does get easier

I does get easier

should read

it does get easier sorry

Thanks everybody. You're right in that I knew in my head that it would be hard, before he was born, but it doesn't really prepare you for the reality of it at all.
Which baby books would people say are the best? Ishould proabably get something like that just for pointers etc, seeing as I'm not really great with babies.

not sure re. books, but i discovered something quite useful on Babycentre the other day - they've got a section called Let's Play! with suggestions for simple games you can play with your baby at 1 week, 2 weeks etc. Very handy for the parentally challenged (like me) who can't even remember a single nursery rhyme.

I was just about to suggest Babycenter too, cyteen, but wondered if any Mnetters were going to snigger at me for it.

AnnVan - just a word of warning about books, your baby might not 'conform' to what the book says your baby will be doing.
Like Cyteen, I found the weekly updates from Babycenter very useful. I also found What to Expect fairly useful in that it wasn't so prescriptive and I could dip in and out of it.
Depends what kind of a person you are. Some people swear by Gina Ford's Contented Little Baby Book (which is v prescriptive) and the other book that seems very popular is a book called Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg. These are both routine based books and if your baby doesn't conform to what these books say, they can make you feel like a failure so please read with large pinch of salt!
There are other books about Attachment Parenting and I'm sure others more knowledgeable will be able to recommend some book titles for you.

Only you will know what suits you and your baby best.
Good luck ... not that I think you'll need it!

I was the same too

I think you have to accept that this is something you can't control and try and go with the flow (very very hard esp if you are a control freak like me!)

I feel for you

I really like The Social Baby. Not at all prescriptive. It teaches you how to read a baby's body language so that you can respond accordingly. Babies are communicating with us all the time, we just need to learn how to listen to them.

At 1 week old, your hormones will still be going crazy and you are tired ... no wonder you prefer him asleep! The first 6 weeks were like that for me ... odd days where things went well and many days and nights when I cried with frustration and hopelessness. Around 4 weeks things began to get better and I always say the fog began to lift at 6 weeks ... interestingly that also co-incides with the time that they begin to smile at you, plus your all so much more familiar with what needs to be done and how to do it.
I remember being on the phone to my mum when DD was about a week ol and DH asked in the background "What do I do?" My answer was "Don't ask me, I don't know either!" Still makes my Mum laugh now! It's a massive adjustment.
Let people know how you feel (HV, DH etc) and keep an eye on it - if you still feel that way in a few weeks, it could be PND and worth discussing in more detail with GP.

One thing made a big difference for me - a daily walk with pram each afternoon. I would feed DD and then pop her in pram for a 1 hour walk around the neighbourhood. Didn't have any mummy friends at that point so was on my own, but still found it great to get out once each day.

annvan poor you. like everyone else i remember this so clearly. early weeks are so hard. some v good advice already on this thread.

the advice i wish i'd taken was to ask for help in those early weeks. get people to come round and make you cups of tea, lunch etc. let them hold the baby while you have a bath, or take him for a walk so you can sleep. when you're feeling up to it, agree about walks - fresh air, exercise help you feel more human. sling was brilliant for both my ds's.

re. what to do - the midwife said to me 'trust your instincts, you know what's best for your baby'. i didn't feel like i had any instincts! instead i devoured baby 'how-to' books and made myself miserable as ds1 didn't seem to do any of the things they talked about. i wish now that i had had the confidence to bin them all. so approach with caution!

good luck. it really does get so much better.

Thanks all. Really dont think I'll be going with the GIna Ford book - tbh the title is so twee it makes me feel a bit ill!
Think I might take a look at the social baby though.

I think most people feel the same so don't be too hard on yourself. I am maternal and I found it terrifying! I felt that he deserved a mother who knew what she was doing! Just take the day as it comes and feel that you have to achieve things.It gets easier!

AnnVan, just wanted to pop over from the August 08 thread and say that two weeks ago, this as me. One week in I was feeling I had made a terrible mistake, and even at two weeks I was still very hormonal, weepy and didn't feel I had bonded.
It actually got BETTER after DP went back to work, as time alone with the baby made me feel more confident. When its just you, you have to do everything for him, and when he's still alive at the end of the day (!) you think "Hey, I can do this." Also, bonding with my DS started after we spent more time together. The first two weeks I would dump him on DP and run to bed for a guilty sleep - guilty because I didn't want to ever go back afterwards! But that's changed.
DS is four weeks tomorrow and things are so much better, no longer cry each day, don't regret having him, I'm growing to love him, and we're starting to find our routine as a family. Keep telling yourself, this too will pass. And find the thread on MN called something like "Does anyone actually LIKE the newborn stage?"; plenty of people who feel just like you. Made me laugh, and kept me sane

Link to funny thread here

Good choice on the Social Baby. You won't regret it.

I found the first few weeks very hard, and like others have said, I didn't really start to enjoy my time with ds until he started smiling and responding to me. I'm a qualified nursery nurse, and have lots of experience with kids, but I didn't know how to deal with a tiny screaming baby. I wasn't feeling great either, and there was a lot of stress to deal with.

Ds is now 18 months, and I love being with him so much - things will get better and better, just don't put too much pressure on yourself.

AnnVan Hi, my ds is 3 weeks old and I know how you feel. DH has been fab so far, but is going back to work tommorow, which is scary!

A MW told me in hospital - sometimes babies just cry. As long as they are warm, dry and fed, then you're doing a great job. So congratulations to you - and to me - we're all fab!

I like "What to expect in the first year" - quite pragmatic and sensible. It's American and a lot of the procedural stuff - about check ups etc - hasn't been changed for the UK, but the advice generally seems sound.

One thing me HV told me though - No body has written a nook about YOU and YOUR Baby. Don;t worry if your baby doesn't conform to the theoretical baby in the books!

I'd really advise finding a new mums group. I joined NCT antenatal classes when I was pg and we've all but 1 had our babies now. We meet up once or twice a week for coffee, chat, a break, a reason to get out of the house and I have talked through a few problems I've had with ds with them - always helps to know that someone else has been through it too. Check out NCT website, or ask your HV/MW/GP about local baby groups.

Make the most of DP baby sitting and and baby sleeping to get some time to yourself between feeds. Get out the house, even if you just walk to the end of the street.

For settling DS- I have been known to walk him round the village in a sling at midnight!, Swaddling works well for him too and - horror- a dummy occassionally! Fresh air during the day too, seems to help him sleep better, although we havn't really got on top of a night/day routine yet.

I hope you are feeling more on top of life now. Really, a problem shared is a problem halved. Find other new mums - we're fab!

"!I've never been a maternal person, or any good with babies."

Oh AnnVan. Me neither. And nearly six years further on, I think that Us non-maternal types make the BEST MOTHERS!!!!!

Always remember, you may think you're crap but the BABY DOES NOT KNOW THIS AND THINKS YOU'RE GREAT! How cool is that?

You're already the world's leading expert on this baby so take all the books with a pinch of salt.

Don't go to any NCT coffee mornings whatever you do. THEY WILL TALK ABOUT NAPPIES AND HOW MUCH THEY LOVE MOTHERHOOD - it feels a bit like you're in that film "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" crossed with "Stepford Wives".

Find something humourous to read: "The Bad Mother's Club" was quite good on the first few weeks.

Try to laugh: we used to interpret the constant screaming as meaning "where the hell are the trained professionals???"

Hiya AnnVan,

Firstly, don't panic, he's just re-adjusting to the new environment, it would freak anyone out coming out of the cosy womb into this strange new world, and I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job even if you don't feel like it, so well done!!

The best advice I got when I was trying to get my head around my new baby was to try to think of yourself as an understanding companion to your baby as he or she gets their head around the world.

You don't need to do anything as such, just love him, hold him close, make him feel safe (and keep his nappy clean!).

I found "What to expect in the first year", link: www.amazon.co.uk/What-Expect-First-Year/dp/0743231880/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222699332&sr=8 -1 a huge help, full of practical advice on what to 'do', and what your baby's experiencing. Buy it now!

I also panicked hugely when my hub went back to work, but actually it gave me the space to figure it all out, as I simply had to get on with it.

Can you talk to your midwife? Have you met your HV yet? If they're nice, then they're a really good source of reassurance and info.

Try not to worry too much, it's all so new and it WILL get easier. Good luck!