Has anybody else got an only ds who just sits and plays on the wii and watches tv after school until bedtime.

[hellraiser]

Hi
I get worried about it alot as I think that he should be having more of a social life than what he is.
The problem is that I have tried to encourage him to join clubs, play out with children in the street, etc, and I just cannot seem to motivate him at all and it ends up in a screaming match and what doesn,t help is that my dp will stand there and ask what my problem is and why I won,t let the kid just chill out and play on his wii or watch telly if thats what he wants to do.
He won,t join in with children out playing in the street as he says they will all end up at our house and he prefers to just play with one person and doesn,t mind just having somebody from school for tea.
The thing is I know that if he got out there and played with them he would love it.
as for clubs he will not hear of them, I suspect he is a bit shy with people he doesn,t know, and I did ask him if that was the reason and he just simply says that its because he does not want to go to these things and he doesn,t have to.
Should I just leave him be and let him play on his wii and watch telly all of the time.
I can,t even motivate him to go the library, swimming, etc.
Are only children like this and should I just leave him be and stop worrying about it.

hellraiser, it sounds like family therapy would help re. the issues between you and your DH

You've admitted that if you turned it all off he would eventually go and play with his toys - so why not do THAT for the hour or so that he is home alone before your DH arrives? Then DH and him can play on the wii or watch television together AFTER your DS has had an hour or so of quiet play by himself

The both of them have got me very depressed and I seem to have lost control and I don,t seem to have the strength anymore to fight it out with them, I have many a time said that I feel like walking away from it all.

Relate are good for this sort of thing

I have friends in family therapy at the mo and they are finding it really helpful

The thing is as well is that when my ds has a friend over what do they want to do you guessed it play on the wii or watch telly.
Do you think this is acceptable my dp throws this in my face as well.
He has a friend coming the weekend do you think I should ban the wii when he has friends.

The thing is as well is that when my ds has a friend over what do they want to do you guessed it play on the wii or watch telly.
Do you think this is acceptable my dp throws this in my face as well.
He has a friend coming the weekend do you think I should ban the wii when he has friends.

sorry double posted damn computer

Well how you tackle it is something that you need to plan and decide

But you DO need to tackle it

I would take baby steps and start by banning telly and wii for the hour after he comes home from school - can't he sit with you and have a snack and talk or do homework or reading or something?

I have an only DS aged 6. He'd play computer games most of the time if allowed.

As an only child he is used to his own company and often needs his own space after being in a group or with cousins for a while. I think you have to take this into account when choosing activities.

But we set the rules. Half an hour (strictly enforced) of DS after school, more at weekends. I think the games become a habit, possibly more easily in only children as there is nobody asking them to come and do something else.

hellraiser, instead of 'suggesting' an activity can't you just tell him 'we're doing this now', or 'tomorrow we're going swimming'.

it's a shame that you and your DH have different views on this.

No need to put him into clubs, etc if he really doesn't want to go. But he can do other things in the house, can't he?

My son enjoys lots of other things including reading, lego, hama beads, colouring, and will do these when DS time has finished.

I always set aside at least an hour of 'qualler' (short for quality time) where we play together in his bedroom. I feel that as an only child he needs this.

I will try and devise some sort of a plan my ds needs some structure in his life and I have been letting him get the better of me for far too long now.

My DP bought our DS1 (4 in October) a PS2 and sadly, I have soon come to realise it's power over kids!

I have imposed a 90 minute daily rule. DS1 makes a fuss when asked to turn it off and would play on it all day if you let him. However, I watch DS1 play his game in wonderment at how good he is and how he solves the puzzles and other challenges... I could never do it.

Like you, Hellraiser, my DP colludes with DS1 over his playstation - he bangs on about today's kids needing to be computer/technology literate etc.... I went to bed the other afternoon as was feeling unwell and came down to find DS1 and DP still on the PS after about 5 hours!!!

However, it's actually quite useful as a tool for enforcing good behaviour. DS1 only has to be threatened with no playstation and he's as good as gold.

God, this thread makes me more sure that I'll never succumb and get the kids one

scary

Good luck hellraiser, you may have to hang in there and grit your teeth for a while, but a change will do your ds good I think

My dd is nearly 7 and we do have a wii but rarely play it. I wouldn't let her just sit and play it all the time. I also have an almost 5 year old ds and a 20 month old ds2.

Simply put, they can't just sit and play the wii/watch tv unless you let them....

Tryharder, simply point out that playing computer games does not make you computer or technology literate. It just makes you good at playing games. When people talk about restricting computer time I think they need to consider what the computer is being used for. If it is being used to learn about computing/technology or anything else then thats a good thing, but I still agree that screen time does need to be limited. Certain games can be educational, but its still not great to spend all your time playing them. Surely balance is the key.

Books are not passive, imo.
They require thought, imagination and they encourage formation of opinions.

I know I start to feel a bit strange and spaced out after too long on mn, and I would assume the effects would be even more exaggerated in children.

Imo, allowing young children to spend extended time sitting in front of a screen is lazy parenting.

Riven, it sounds as though your dcs are able to balance their time on the computer very well, enjoying other activities too. However some children are not so able to self regulate and that is where problems occur, and it becomes the parents' responsibility to pull the plug.

hellraiser - I have an 'only' ds aged 7 too - I don't think your concern is to do with his being an only child - I do think it has a lot to do with his Dad actually wanting someone to play wii and other games with!! (my DP has bought his own DS so that he can play interactive Transformers with DS.......).

DO arrange as many friends to come round as possible - or pick him and a friend up from school and take them both to the park. Or ban them both from TV / wii and get them doing something else. Just get out the lego or other toys and say 'there you go'. Let them play on the wii for 15 mons before friend goes home.

He's in a habit - you won't break it by screaming at him, but by firmly stopping the TV / wii and replacing it with something else. Then he will fnd out that he will have better times with his friends doing a mix of things.Put some effort in: set up a treasure hunt for them, carve pumpkins (when the time comes) etc.

Does he have other toys that he enjoys?

riven I guess because you home ed you have put a lot of thought into how to encourage your kids to do the right thing and educate themselves...it sounds like your 'holistic' parenting is paying off. However just taking bits from your style (eg let them do what they want) doesn't work on other kids without the other strategies you have put into play!

The fact is computer games are designed to be addictive. Its like telling someone who is hooked on cigarettes that they can come off when they want...sorry its not that easy for most people/ and more so for kids who can't recognise that the parts of their brain to do with communication are not being stimulated or stretched (unlike books and normal play!)

I have two DSs who would happily do just that if I let them. You need to set some limits here.

Computor games are addictive. The gaming industry is a mutli bilion dolar industry who know full well how to get poeple hooked.
Games generally are fast moving and deliver hits of dopamine regualarly by collecting points, eliminating a target etc. Then it's on to the next level where you have to try that bit harder to get your dopamine hit.
At no point do you have to develop any social or empathetic skills.
Telly works in the opposite way. It is sopophoric. It provides everything. Sound, pictures, etc. The human brain has to do very little to engage.
And I'm sorry Riven but books are entirely different. They require you to conjure up the picture of what's being described. They require you to empathise with characters. They require you to guess what will happen next.
Don't get me wrong my kids have plenty of gaming and telly but too much will diminish anyone's imagination and empathetic skills.

My dd's personality changes when she watches too much TV - she is whinier, generally bad tempered.
After the tv gets turned off, you can almost see her snap out of it

reading this thread shocks and saddens me

3 year olds spending at least 90 mins a day and on occasion 5 hours on playstation
that plus TV sad

My 12 yo ds plays on his PC / ps2 a lot, but also uses it to post fanfic on the web. He also runs around the garden with his lightsabre; goes on the trampoline; goes to art club and scouts after school; draws and reads. He is also heavily into Warhammer, so makes and paints the figures for that.

As an only he doesn't make friends easily, and kids do not play out on our road as it is a rat run; and I don't think they play out like that over here. I do arrange sleepovers sometimes, but not on school nights as the homework is beginning to kick in and there is more in year 8 than there was in year 7.

I don't think there's an easy solution - mine is to say no PC/PS2/PSP until the homework is done, and some reading; then he can have a go.