How do you deal with it when your grown up dc's (in my case dss) behave like people that you just don't like very much?

[Carmenere]

Dss is 19 and I have had him living with me for the past 5 years, he has little of no contact with his mum.
He has been difficult but we have muddled along fine, I have put a huge amount of time and effort into him and care very deeply for him.
But he is just being a fucking idiot recently, weak and spineless, lying continuously, won't pay us rent, going out drinking every night, ringing in sick to work. His room is revolting and he is generally kind of horrible when he is here, which is hardly ever. Dp is heartbroken as he is just so disappointed with him.

He is terribly immature at 19 he is behaving like a 17 yr old. He has an incredible job opportunity and I have very little faith in him being able to be mature enough to stick with it as he has no self dicipline. Dp thinks he will need to fail dramatically before he cops on and grows up but I am just worried about him all the time.

so how do you disengage and let them get on with it?

He didn't come home last night and I suspect he didn't go into work as he has to give in his notice and he is such a spineless creep that he will just let the head chef down rather than show up and work for two weeks under a cloud.

.

Oh c'mon just say something innocuous like that he isn't a lost cause and he'll grow out of it.

From my memories of 19 year old boys when I was a teenager/student, I'm not sure that his behaviour is that unusual - and he almost definitely will grow out of it. Perhaps might be time to suggest to him that if he doesn't pay rent, he should find his own place to love, though - he might just be having things a little bit too easy at yours to have any real impetus to change. I woudn't worry too much now, though - if he's still doing this at 25, then start worrying!

he isn't a lost cause and he will grow out of it.

Honestly, a lot of teenagers are irresponsible pains in the bum, whether they live with both biological parents or not (my sister was HORRIBLE, definite candidate for worst teenager ever, but has grown up into a fab adult). I think it's harder for you, being a stepmother, because you don't have that fundamental emotional tie that stops us from killing our children even when they are really aggravating because we gave birth to them.

And I seem to remember a thread when you were really angry with him over his girlfriend - important to step back and accept that he will make mistakes and not get too involved.

FWIW at that age I called into a holiday job and told them I'd broken my leg because I couldn't face saying 'I don't want to work with you, thanks, one day was enough'. Wouldn't do it now, but didn't have enough experience or confidence to be straight up about it.

And dp's probably right about dss needing to fail horribly before he is pulled up short and sorts himself out.

Not a lost cause, but it sounds like he needs your toe up his arse about what you will and will not put up with. If he's working (or on benefits), he should be contributing to the household finances. He should also keep his room in a reasonably hygienic state (tidy is probably too much to ask, but not disgusting or smelly). And he should treat you with a reasonable amount of respect.

It's hard to make them grow up and take responsibility, as others have said that just has to happen when the penny finally drops, but you don't have to put up with him treating the place like a hotel in the meantime.

It's been such a long, long, time since I was a teenager and I only have a much younger teenage ds, so I'm a bit rusty on what older teenagers are actually like.

However I remember it as a time of everyone trying out new things, trying to 'find themselves', not sure of their direction, and easily getting paralysed into inaction by the sheer amount of choices out there and the fear of choosing the wrong thing. And self discipline got lost amongst all this confusion. But eventually most people found a job/training/study courst that they stuck at, even if it took some years to get there.

I don't know what to advise, but if your dss is not paying rent, then he shouldn't be having drinking money to go out each night - can your dh take his son's finances under firmer control so the rent gets paid first then whatever is left is his spending money? Can your dss set up a standing order to pay rent or something similar?

Thanks all. well in a shock development he has just rung dp to say that he stayed in Skanky Ho's overnight and he was sorry for not texting but that he had re-enrolled in college this morning (they are doing him a favour because he missed the deadline last week) and that he had given his notice in and that he had been straight and thanked the Head Chef and head chef had been very decent about it.
He has been offered an apprenticeship in Petrus(for anyone who cares about food that is one of the best restaurants in the country) as long as he went back to college and I am/was terrified of him fucking up as it is an incredible opportunity for a young chef.

I can't tell you how relieved I am I really thought he was holed up out of his head with his grubby gf.

brilliant news! No wonder you were worried about him missing that fab opportunity!