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Parenting

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Original poster

When parents get snubbed by the grandparents

21 replies

expatkat · 17/02/2005 17:31

My father is always saying stuff like, "We miss you, especially the kids!" "We can't wait to see you ESPECIALLY the kids?" Or "We'll arrive at yours on Saturday morning, not Friday night. What would be the point of arriving on Friday night? The kids'll be asleep!"

Sorry, but after a hundred or more of these comments since ds was born 5 years ago, I finally called him on it in a humorous, polite way. He was ENRAGED and said, "Wait til you have grandkids! And may you be lucky enough to have them on the same continent as you!"

Does anyonr else fee snubbed by their parents' overt favoritism of the grandchildren? And if so, do you care, or have you made peace with it?

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Twiglett · 17/02/2005 17:35

grandchildren are supposedly far more fun than your own kids

you can spoil them, cosset them and give them back when they start to bug you

I think its understandable and actually a compliment to you

you are a grown up .. you're not cuddly, cute and adoring (well I'm sure you are but YKWIM ).. you don't hang off every word

after all your kids are so important to you isn't it nice to know how important they are to your parents too

JoolsToo · 17/02/2005 17:37

Marina · 17/02/2005 17:39

Yes, and I try and laugh it off tralalalala...not always easy though.
Half-tempted to FedEx lights of their lives to them for a whole week without me around to do the wiping up of snot/porridge/excrement and see how in lurve they still are at the end of THAT.
Twigs is right though, it is a huge compliment to YOU Expatkat. How are you generally?

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collision · 17/02/2005 17:43

Yes it winds me up too but I bite my tongue! It especially annoys me as they only want to see the 'all-singing-all-dancing-delightfulness' of my two boys and when that wears off they give them back quickly saying, 'Oh, isnt he mardy!!' which makes me want to hit them.

You have started something now as I want to rant!

marialuisa · 18/02/2005 10:25

I'm probably a bit weird here but the complete adoration of DD by my dad and his side of the family doesn't bother me in the slightest. My great-gran will telephone just to speak to DD for example. We probably only see them about four times a year so I'm just pleased they make an effort to build a relationship with her. The only problem I have is that DD doesn't always want to speak to them and i end up glaring and grimacing at her to get her to have a reasonable conversation! Maybe because I was an "only child" from the POV of dad's family I'm used to this level of interest and TBH would be highly offended if DD wasn't the bee's knees as far as they are concerned. Certainly don't feel jealous of the attention.

Mum doesn't do this but the dynamics of our relationship are very different, DD has a strong bond with mum too.

tarantula · 18/02/2005 10:40

It doesnt bother me at all. the first thing my mum does when she rings me up is say "so hows my lovely granddaughter?" Only after that does she think to ask after me but I dont mind in the least am really glad they are so delighted with her. Just wish they were a bit nearer so I could get some more babysitting value out of them. I have also never had so many visits from my family as I have had since dd was born and I know they arent coming to see me which is fair enough but then it means I get a chance to go out so thats cool

FairyMum · 18/02/2005 10:47

I think we are very lucky to have grandparents who absolutely adore and love our children!

crystaltips · 18/02/2005 11:05

I have both sides of the spectrum ....

My parents who phone up to chat to the kids and hang-up before I get a chance to chat - and send cards on the post for no reason

and DH's parents who dont acknowledge wirthdays sometimes or give second hand christmas presents ( they are loaded BTW ) and probably don't even know which class they are in at school

My parents live a plane ride away and the "out-laws" live about hald an hour away

So given half a chance - I'd settle for the adoring grandparents

Marina · 18/02/2005 11:28

Very fair point Crystaltips. We have this scenario too and I know which I prefer!

Beansmum · 18/02/2005 11:31

Great grandparents are even worse. With great granny I am 4th favorite after ds, my sister and g-granny's new dog!

Frizbe · 18/02/2005 11:34

lol Beansmum, I had to prise dd off great granny (who was 90 when she was born!) as she wasn't giving her back!!! between gran and greatgran I hardly got a look in for the 1st few days.....and now granddad is feeling more involved when she's older and keeps ringing up asking when he can see her, which is lovely although a bit perturbing when he calls her by my name (and he thinks he's not loosing the plot yet!)

Fennel · 18/02/2005 11:38

my experience is like Crystaltips - my parents are devoted grandparents but live a long way away. Dp's parents live fairly near and have absolutely no interest in our children, forget their birthdays and never phone or visit.

Having adoring grandparents is a far nicer problem.

Rarrie · 18/02/2005 12:08

Oh yes!

My MIL has no photos of my hubby with his child... yet she has photos of the baby with her uncle (hubby's brother - her favourite child) and grandfather, and practically everyone else except me and my husband. When she took photos of my dd on her first birthday, she managed to take them so my head was cut off in every pic!!!

Last time I took DD over to see, she didn't speak to me once! the whole time I was there. Whenever we don't go over they always moan that they don't have a relatioship with their grandchild, but they only live 40 mins away, FIl has been over one in 4 months, and MIL twice.

Deep breaths!!

But just what is it about inlaws??

tallulah · 19/02/2005 10:20

Rarrie, my MIL used to do that with photos! She has books & books of them that we've never even seen, all of DD with naany & dd with grandad- not one taken even with her own son. Every time I had some photos developed she'd always demand an extra set...

Would say that with this sort of granny, interest wanes once the child is old enough to answer back

Beaker2 · 19/02/2005 10:59

Agree that an interested grandparent is the most important thing (although I do know what you mean about feeling slightly snubbed sometimes!) My Dad has remarried and has stopped all contact with me, not even responding to letters, photos etc (I blame HER influence!), this makes me appreciate attention and love from DS' other grandparents, even when it is a bit overbearing

MancMum · 19/02/2005 11:01

Also from your Dads point of view, it is easier to gush over kids rather than you, I imagine... and his raving about your kids is actually raving about you and how well you have brought them up... he lvoes them so much cos they are yours... my family was always quite undemonstrative until the arrival of my kids... the first time I saw my Dad cry was when he walked into recovery room -- he was so overcome, I almost had to move out of bed to let hoim lie down... now it is all about them and sometimes I do want to say "how about me" but isn't that the lot of a parent?

Having friends whose parents spend not time or effort on their kids, I would rather the overwhelming stuff than the don't care variety...

nikcola · 19/02/2005 11:09

i wish dds grandparents botherd with her

MeerkatsUnite · 19/02/2005 12:46

Like Nikcola I would like to have grandparents (on both sides of the family) that I felt actually bothered or indeed GENUINELY cared about us as a family unit. I think part of all this is due to the fact I am not and do not come across as "needy" as my brother is - my parents will do anything to help him (they feed off each others needs and wants) but when it comes to me there is little support. The chickens will come home to roost one day though and I now feel its their loss.

DS is the only grandchild both sides of the family are likely to have (neither my brother or BIL have partners). It has taken me years to work through this but they have taught me an abject lesson i.e how not to be like them!!.

To those that have great grandparents good luck to you. Cherish them!!!.

Pinotmum · 19/02/2005 12:54

Tallulah, my mil really only has an interest in her sons and her grandchildren when babies. As her grandchildren have grown up has started to be critical of them so the older ones don't want to visit her. My 2 are 2 yo and 4 yo and already the 4yo says she doesn't want to speak to her on the phone. My mother on the other hand is guilty of spoiling them all rotten something she never could do with her own children as she never had the money/time. I think my mum is a fantastic granny and love the fact she has a good, close and loving relationship with my children and really enjoys being with them. My mil doesn't know what she is missing and is hence quite a lonely lady.

tallulah · 19/02/2005 14:56

Oinotmum, sad isn't it. What worries me is I have 3 boys & only 1 girl, so I will probably be the MIL. Must just remember what it feels like from this end..

beansprout · 19/02/2005 15:12

Have probably seen more of my parents in the last 4 months than we did in the last 4 years. They adore ds and I know full well it is him they come to see. My mum constantly reminds me that they "are the grandparents and get to do the good bits". Sometimes I am very tired and have to bit my lip to stop me saying "yes, I know you are not going to help, it's ok!!" but hey, there are worse problems in life than doting grandparents. They don't interfere and respect (or if they don't they don't say) what I do with ds and they are the only grandparents he has.

I didn't have grandparents really so bring it on for ds!!

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