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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

My nearly 6 year old is deperately hard work at the moment. Come and hold my hand and remind me that "This Too Will Pass"

12 replies

Slouchy · 19/08/2008 21:00

She has a terrible temper - shouting, hitting out, screaming etc. She can sustain a tantrum for hours, and time out does nothing. She feels very unloved - we have got into a cycle of her being difficult, so being told off, and it all escalating. Her dad is working in Dubai at the moment, this is weird for us all (I miss him too!) and I know this has contributed to her behaviour problems. She is also bored (school hols!) and squabbling a lot with her little sister.

How can I show her how loved she is, and help her to manage her temper better? And restore a sense of equilibrium in our house?

(And I've just ordered How To Talk from Amazon)

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Rachmumoftwo · 19/08/2008 21:29

I hope it passes, as my DD is exactly the same and it really gets me down! She is 6 too, and sounds just like your DD. I only have to say no to something and she hates me, she is horrid to her sister, who worships her, and we experience the same cycles.

I feel for you, but I am also so glad my DD isn't the only one, it must be normal if they both do it! I will watch this thread with interest- please let there be advice and words of hope.

Original poster

Slouchy · 19/08/2008 21:30

Glad it's not just me, Rach!

OP posts:

LittleBella · 19/08/2008 21:33

My 6 yr old does this in phases.

It always gets better when I pay her lots of positive attention - present her with things to do "will you come and help mummy with the cooking/ cleaning/ packing/ gardening/ whatever and engage her in some activity with me where she can feel she's really important in getting something done. Then she's really happy and chatty and enthusiastic and I remember how lovely she is and hug her lots and we get back to enjoying each other's company again.

Until next time.

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LittleBella · 19/08/2008 21:34

btw I really have to grit my teeth and invite her to do sth, but then 5 minutes in I'm glad I did.

LittleBella · 19/08/2008 21:34

btw I really have to grit my teeth and invite her to do sth, but then 5 minutes in I'm glad I did.

GivePeasAChance · 19/08/2008 21:36

Just a couple of words of support.........my Dh works away M-F and found at the beginning DS1 was pretty arsehole-like. However, looking back he was playing up for attention because didn't quite understand what was going on and I was over compensating for his behaviour and excusing it 'because he was upset about missing his D'. Strangely I found being stricter helped ( in any way) and the simultaneously rewarding him for any good behaviour. A day on his own without DS2 (and vice versa btw) helped.

May be no use but good luck.

Rachmumoftwo · 19/08/2008 21:38

If I do that DD says 'yeah whatever' and tries to go back to watching TV. I have had to turn it off at the plug to get her away from it!

But it's true, there are still times when she is lovely. She is very bright, which I think does contribute to the problem. DH says she knows exactly which buttons to press to wind me up and she does!

Original poster

Slouchy · 20/08/2008 18:46

Thanks for the comments. Well, we had a good talk last night and I went to bed crying my eyes out cos she really did feel sad and uncared for. But she has been a different child today - like the calm after the storm. I have made a big effort to make her feel special and important and we have all had a much nicer day. Phew!

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Original poster

Slouchy · 28/08/2008 17:03

Bumping this thread cos we have had another difficult couple of days after a much better week. The tantrums are continuing - we had friends round today and she kicked off royally in front of them (I took her upstairs to calm down eventually while her friends stood open-mouthed), she also wet her pants twice (once was a mini-drip cos she was too engrossed in play to make it to the loo in time, once soaked herself trying to wee in the garden cos she didn't want to come inside...).

Grrr. Talk me down please.

OP posts:

Smee · 29/08/2008 12:50

Sounds like it's control - or rather her wanting some. Her saying she feels unloved and uncared for sounds to me like she knows which buttons to press. If she sees she gets a reaction from you by saying that, she'll keep saying it. Next time, just laugh and say don't be daft I love you so much and give her a hug, but don't linger on it. She's found some power there and it sounds to me like she's using it!
I have the same with DS (4) - his dad's away a fair amount too, so maybe it is that. Sometimes I find it impossible to stay patient too - though let's face it, it's always worse when you do lose it. I set boundaries with DS when he's calm. He agrees to them, if he breaks them, we don't go to the park/ watch tv/ have a story (or something that he wants). I also find not reacting helps. I tell him what he's doing is unacceptable and why (calmly!), if he keeps doing it, I say I'm going to go. If he does keep on, then that's what I do. Just walk away. Sit and read a book/ go do some work/ whatever you can, but ignore her until you get an apology. If she even meets you half way and comes over, then give her a hug, but still insist on a calm apology and a promise that it won't happen again. It hardly ever fails in our house, and has saved me from losing it on more than one occasion too..

fondant4000 · 29/08/2008 13:14

My dd (5.5) very similar. Always squabbling with little sis (20 months). Yet sometimes they do something absoluely lovely - like dd1 reading a book to dd2. Only to dissolve into screaming and crying like 2 drama queens 5 minutes later

Glad to know I'm not the only one. Feeling c**p 'cos sometimes I really get at dd1 and feel she is 'a problem'. In saner moments I know she is lovely and deserves more attention and cuddles - but dd2 always needing something too....

School holidays making situation worse. Dd2 'helps' me more than dd1 - who is alwys 'just a minute'. About 2 weeks ago she was getting thru' 4-5 pairs of pants a day (holding on too long - dribbling wee). And I was constantly nagging her about it.

Then a friend said - she sees the attention and cuddles dd2 gets when you change her nappy, and wants the same. After that I said nothing about any 'accidents', offered to sit and talk to her when she was on the loo, praised her for keeping her pants dry etc. Amazingly within 2 days she had almost stopped having accidents.

Now why can't I do it with everything else - there just never seems to be the time to do the right thing, give her cuddles, and stop hassling her....

MascaraOHara · 29/08/2008 13:24

oooo dd who turned 6 a couple of months back is currently going through massive tantrums.. they aren't very often but I get all the "you don't love me" "you make me sad" emotionaly blackmail.. she does it because she knows it's the button to press..

I just hiss at her to go sit down somewhere and think about whether or not she really believes that.. and all the things I do for her. "oh don't be so melodramatic" comes out of my mouth quite a lot as well.. although she told me (in context) not to be so melodramtic the other day

kids say it to get a reaction. she knows I love her. I probably sound hard but most days I hear "mummy, you are the best mummy in the world" well.. she can't have it both ways can she.. I can't not love her and be the best mummy in the world

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