Panicking about going from 1 to 2

[Bouj]

I was just reading a thread about going from 2 to 3 kids, and it was the general consensus that 2 to 3 is way easier than 1 to 2.... I'm not pregnant yet, but we are planning it shortly. Ds is 2 in April and to be honest I found the first year hellish. So my question is - is going from 1 to 2 a huge deal? Should I think long and hard about it because I had not a lot of fun in the early days with ds?

My DS2 is 4.5 months, so I guess I'm in the middle of this. I haven't found it that hard. I do not really enjoy tiny babies, particularly the first weeks, and I found that time really hard with my first son.

But with the second, you know it's going to end! The first year goes by so fast when you look back on it, and it seems to be going by quite fast now with DS2.

He is a much easier baby, which seems to be common (but not inevitable) with second babies, too. He will lie and amuse himself for a while, which I'm sure DS1 never did. (He's also fatter and happier, as breastfeeding has gone better.)

I have a three-year gap between my two, which I think made it easier. Also, DS1 is very very sociable, and was used to being in a playgroup sort of situation before we had the baby, and he started nursery school soon before we had the baby.

Hi,
My first baby demanded attention all day and was a lot harder than my second. I think with a second baby, the tendancy is to be more laid back and confident. The baby learns early on that he/she is not the center of the world, as there is already a toddler who needs mum's time as well, so the baby may be less demanding too. I als found it helped that because my toddler was already going to mother and toddler groups etc. we weren't stuck int he house allt he time, and babies are def easier when you can get out and about with them.
Good luck whatever you decide!

I was more confident, and less "neurotic" about DD2, but she is a much more demanding baby than DD1!!!

Thanks for your responses. NQC, that is exactly how I feel - the newborn thing is unrewarding (horribly selfish of me, I know) and looking back one of the hardest things was not seeing an end. And ds was a very demanding baby, but knowing absolutely nothing about babies, I thought I was just a bit crap at it all! Thanks again, you lot shall be the first to know if (and when) I take that step!!

Bouj - My dd is 6mths old, my ds is 3.5yrs. I was terrified about having a 2nd baby, especially since I suffered with terrible PND after Ds was born. He was a hungry demanding baby (although incredibly loving and cute). I found the transition from none to 1 very difficult and in fact distressing! I was very depressed for the 1st 18mths of his life.

However, dd arrived without much impact on our lives.... IYKWIM. Obviously she is a huge part of our family and we love her SO much, but she has just kind of.... fitted into our routine with Ds! Much easier than I thought and not traumatic. I'm more relaxed and confident.

I think the anticipation and anxiety of going from 1 to 2 is MUCH worse than the reality of it all.

So go for it!!!!

mine are 18 mths apart and when i first fell pregnant with my second . i cried because i thought what the hell wil i do with a toddler and a newborn! but when it happened (through the usual foggy haze) it was easy and everything just fell in to its own routine! but remember to take your older child out everyday for an activity ..toddler groups etc so they can let of steam and not get under your feet whilst theyre having fun you can sit and feed your little one..if i stayed home somedays i went potty and so did my son and we all felt better if we went out if only for a short walk but its worth it as they play together better if closer in age ..thats what i find anyway so dont worry before you know it theyre about 6 months old and life gets a lot easier because they happily watch your older one and you dont have to entertain them as much as you did with your first( arent i a mean mum!) but my son was my second childs toys and games and she happily sat and watched him from an early age..its when they get older and have difference of opinions that the fun begins..

DS was 3.3 when DD was born and it was FABULOUS

he loved helping, he's very gentle .. he fetched nappies and wipes and took dirty nappies to the bin

it was great with the 3 year age gap .. and it still is 9 months on .. he entertains her, hugs her, she sits there watching him

Yes it is difficult as suddenly you have 2 little people demanding of your time (sorry but I found it hard) For me it wasn't the new baby, it was more the toddler behaviour I found hard. You have to prepare eveything, like having a bag packed for all eventualities) and will be torn in every direction. However It is worth it and having two is personally soooo much better than one (for me) Mine are exactly 2 years apart which was right for us. 3 yrs could be better as the older one will probably in a routine with nursery etc, I have both at home most of the time.

Toothache - I remember when you fell pregnant the second time (have been MNing for a long time, most of the time quietly). I too have PND, which seems to have peaked recently (we have moved to Australia, to be with my family as a way of helping me, but it has proved to be a bumpy ride). Ds's early days were a little traumatic, and for a along time I couldn't even stomach the thought of having any more. Yet, there is this thing, this need to have more babies (though am worried I just want to 'get it right' the second time around!) Thanks for your advice Twiglett, ds is very caring at the moment, so I think he would be very good (and is likely to be closer to 3 when the time comes) and Crunchie - thanks for your honesty, part of my problem with ds was that everyone always said it would be wonderful, and it, um, wasn't!! Sorry, am rambling, but it is 8.20pm here, and so red wine was in order (for valentine's day obviously!!)

Well let's put it this way - I had a Reginald Perrin moment yesterday when I was contemplating dropping my two (2.7 and 0.10) off at Nursery today with a note asking the staff to contact dh to pick them up. And then I was thinking of swanning off for a couple of weeks and not telling anyone where I was going, only to return when feeling stronger and more able to cope.

To answer more constructively, I have found it bloody hard at times - especially over the winter months with two little ones because their immunity isn't great as small children and they are ill constantly. However, despite this I still think I have done the right things in the longer term by having 2 children and close in age. It's just rough to begin with.

My italics failed again

I've just read Crunchie's post and would report a similar situation: i.e. two little people demanding your time and being torn in all directions.

Things I have found hard include a baby with gastroenteritis who wants cuddling constantly and a 2 year old who thinks this is unfair favouritism, and is very hurt that mummy seems to be ignoring her in favour of the (sick) baby. Okay this scenario doesn't happen all the time, but my two have been poorly quite a lot over winter and on all these occasions (probably 6 or 7 occasions between them since November) I have had to ignore one of them almost completely because the sick one has been clingly and demanding (understandably.

That I find super stressful

Bouj - I can completely relate to the feelings of wanting to do it 'just right' 2nd time around. Like you have to prove to yourself that you can be a good Mum and NOT fall to pieces. That it completely understandable after having PND.

I don't know if you saw my post shortly after DD was born reassuring those suffering from PND that it isn't inevitable that you will suffer again with future children.

Maybe I've just been lucky, but this time has been fine.... it is hard... but not as hard as you expect. If you want to chat then please contact me through CAT. I'd love to speak to you properly.

Message withdrawn