Please help me persuade my DH that is it NOT good to leave dd to cry?

[Caz10]

Well not cry cry, but...

I believe based on the very little that I've read that going to dd (8mths) when she is unhappy/needing something/whatever is the best way to build her eventual confidence and self esteem. The problem is I am not very good at explaining this to DH, and he just doesn't get it.

He keeps saying that she needs to learn that she won't be pandered to etc.

a silly eg - after he'd fed her the other day he left her in her highchair while he cleared up. She was obviously bored/uncomfortable/whatever so started moaning/crying a little. I would at this point normally lift her and just put her somewhere else eg on the rug with some toys (she's v happy to play independently for a good wee while) and THEN got on with the cleaning up. He thinks she should just wait and not rush to her etc . He is going to be doing a good part of the childcare and I REALLY don't want this happening a lot.

Could anyone help by posting a link or even just a succinct explanation of why I'm right?!

Or am I wrong?? Am I being very very PFBy here?

I feel the same as you Caz10. I like to get to my children as soon as they start getting upset as I personally feel that it makes them more confident and relaxed in general to know that if they need me, I will come.
The approach seemed to work well with DS1, who is nearly 3 and very confident and independent.

My DH is similar to yours in that he doesnt see a problem with making them wait a few minutes if he is doing something else. Not so much to 'learn a lesson' though, but more because he knows they are not really distressed and thinks its no harm to finish what he is doing and then go to them.
To be honest I let him get on with things his way when he is in sole charge. I understand that we all do things differently and I dont want to come across as constantly critisising how he does things just because its different to my way.
When we are both together though, i do gently mention it and show him what I would do and I think it does sink in a little bit.

To all you people saying 'well when you have 2 children you wont be able to rush to them both and it doesnt harm them so it doesnt matter' I disagree quite strongly!!!
It DOES matter!
I have 2 children and sometimes I do have to leave one whinging because I am dealing with the other, but if I can comfort either of them immediately, I do

Its like saying'well they will have to be bored at some points and it doesnt harm them so therefore its fine to purposely ensure they are bored by sitting them with no toys to play with'
or saying 'well I am going to forget to bring a jacket out with me one day I am sure and they might be a bit cold and wont come to any long term harm, so it doesnt matter if I dont bring a coat on purpose and just let them be cold'
Exactly the same imo as saying 'well I will have to leave them to cry thrugh necessity at some point and it wont harm them, so I might as well do it now, it wont mattr'

It does matter! Surely being a parent is about doing the best you can, not the least you can get away with!

Well I don't know, I think anything up to about 10 mins of whining (rather than actualy upset crying) is OK with me.

DH and I parent differently in many ways. In some ways I am the "soft" parent and he is the hard arse and in others our roles are reversed. Mostly we are on the same page though. DS interacts with us differently, I say leave him to it.

If you insist on doing it "your" way too much he may just give up and leave YOU to do it all because everytime he does something it is wrong. I have seen this happen many times with friends - the same women friends who now comment on how close DH and DS are and how involved DH is with parenting. She will not be emotionally scarred by having to wait a few minutes for attention.

Agree with you Morloth - and I'm speaking as a world weary mother of 3! DS1 was definitely a PFB - the result of fertility treatment - who just had to open his mouth to cry and we were there dealing with his little need. DD came along when he was 21 months, so he had to come to terms with the fact that he couldn't have us at the drop of a hat - as did DD in return. DS2 is a late baby, who has very much fitted in with our family life, and not the other way about. All are adored children who are growing up to be confident, happy little people.

10 minutes of whingeing, certainly as they get older, does not harm, emotionally stunt, or traumatise them in any way.

What Twiglett said about 2 parents - you have different ways of doing things naturally, and I think that is generally a Good Thing. I don't think everything should be done Mum's way all the time.

I get that you both have different perspectives, so perhaps a bit of 'science' might get your husband thinking about his beliefs. We found http://www.amazon.co.uk/Science-Parenting-Practical-Emotional-Wellbeing/dp/1405314869 this book really useful and it does underline that little children shouldn't be left crying 'to learn' as it harms their brain development.

Lots of food for thought, thank you!

dh does not particularly communicate well at the best of times (), and I think he actually does find it quite hard to "chat" to her sometimes, silly as that may sound.

I would certainly feel better about it if he was at least, as someone suggested, telling her "I'm just doing xy and z then I'll be right back" so I might suggest that as a halfway ground

On a wider note, I do agree that we are never going to do everything in the same way and that is no bad thing. We are lucky in that although we both work FT, his shifts and my holidays mean that we are pretty much splitting the child care 50/50 throughout the year, with only the odd "granny day" here and there, so dd will get used to our different ways pretty quickly I'm sure