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Original poster

Reasons to tell Vicar why I want DS's christened - any advice?

111 replies

Holymoly321 · 30/07/2008 09:09

DS1 is coming up to 3 and DS2 is 8mths. We've always wanted to get them christened and named the god parents long ago (esp DS1 godparents who have now been waiting for it to be made 'official' for over two years!). Well we can't put it off any longer, and we are going to see a church this week to talk to the vicar about organising a christening. Only thing is, I was never christened and we've never been to church. I'm sure the vicar will want us to give good reasons why we want the boys christened - what can we say? It's not anything to do with schools or anything - I would just love them to be properly christened.

OP posts:

ComeOVeneer · 30/07/2008 09:50

Marina, what is your attitude to people who only come to church simply to get married. Do you not think that it makes their vows irrelevant (ie to make a promise before someone/something you don't belive in)?

GooseyLoosey · 30/07/2008 09:50

But the church has subsumed all of our other traditions - its symbology and liturgy, all of it reflects much older traditions and the only way of participating in these is through church ceremonies. The church has been a constant in our communities for 1000 years - many (or even the majority) of the people who have celebrated the main events of their life there did not believe in God but did so because it was a required part of community life.

I do however agree that it is hypocritical to agree to continuing involvement with the church when none is intended.

unknownrebelbang · 30/07/2008 09:51

We had a service of thanksgiving for each of our three boys when they were babies, as this felt right when the vicar suggested it as an alternative, as we were not - at that time - churchgoers.

The boys then chose to get baptised together about three years ago when DS1 went on to be confirmed. (There were 11, 9 and 7 at the time).

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unknownrebelbang · 30/07/2008 09:52

I got married in church, because the only alternative was the register office at the time.

ComeOVeneer · 30/07/2008 09:53

But Goosey those where they days when the church was very much a part of the whole community and life, sadly these days that is not the case. A christening then would be the chance for the whole community to celebrate the child (a child they knew o a least knew of). These days that child would simply be welcomed in the church community and then likely never seen again. I just don't see what is to be gained for child, parent or church community in a case like this.

Nagapie · 30/07/2008 09:56

I am sorry if you take offence and find me antagonistic...

I help out in our church's creche and the majority of the time is spent placating crying babies and calling the mummies and daddies out of the service to come and console their frantic children...

The church we attend is a family one and the vicar is very accommodating towards children but usually we spend the service so focussed on keeping our children in check most of the service is missed ...

GooseyLoosey · 30/07/2008 09:57

COV I do see what you mean. I live in a village where the church is still very much the external manifestation of the community.

However, if you want a ceremony to welcome your child to the world that has a degree of solemnity and validity (if only as a result of long tradition) I can see though that for many people there is no alternative to a church ceremony.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/07/2008 09:57

I don't have a problem with people seeking marriage or baptism in church. Whether or not they make the vows in good faith is a matter for them, and not for me.

And yes, my children love Sunday School too.

SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 09:58

I think we don't need to get too antagonistic about this, do we though? I think it is a beautiful thing for parents to do for their child and maybe they are opening a door to that child which would otherwise have been closed. I wouldn't expect you to meet with any great problems when you go to see the vicar, so please do smiling and don't be put off by the tension on the thread. Religion is one of those things that people just do feel strongly about one way or the other. If you have a strong feeling that this is important for you, then you should follow that up and see where it takes you

I still think tell the vicar the truth and see what it is suggested to you. Does it feel right or wrong? And take it from there.

Maybe it would be more helpful to discuss what the meaning of a christening ceremony is and why we do it? Or are you clear on that anyway?

StarlightMcKenzie · 30/07/2008 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

flowerybeanbag · 30/07/2008 10:02

I was christened myself as it happens, but I'm not particularly a Christian, I'm not sure what I believe but I don't attend any church and don't consider myself religious.

For this reason I wouldn't have even considered getting married in a church, and for the same reason I didn't get DS christened.

I would also have liked the ceremony, the 'welcoming' of DS to the world, and the opportunity for all the family to come and see him and share a nice day.

But I do think it's a bit hypocritical to get married in a church or have your child christened if you don't believe in God and don't attend the church.

I would also like to address the point about churches not being child-friendly. In my experience that's not the case, although I appreciate some might be better than others.

Original poster

Holymoly321 · 30/07/2008 10:03

I believe that there is something out there and I feel very blessed to have two beautiful healthy children and I want to give thanks for that. I can totally understand the feeling of all regular churchgoers on this thread and I dont' want to offend anyone. Maybe we should look into a blessing as an alternative. I'm starting to feel deflated by all this. Surely the church would welcome anyone wanting to start a relationship with it?

OP posts:

ComeOVeneer · 30/07/2008 10:04

I can se you point to Goosey, they does seem to be more options of alternatives with regards to wedding these days, but not for welcoming children.

I was bought up christian, dh is jewish we had a lond discussion about how to marry and how to raise the children. To use regarding marriage we were making a commitment to each other most importantly and as one or other would be "lying" in a religious service we opted for civil ceremony in a beatiful country house (admittedly we were glad they had chaned the rules with regards to only being alowed to use a registry office).

WIth regards to the children both had huge welcome party with over 100 friends and relatives (that is the community they will be in, not some strangers at a church/synaogue they will rarely attend). They are brought up by us and family to know about all religions and family traditions, we celebrate passover, hanukkah, easter, christmas etc.

unknownrebelbang · 30/07/2008 10:06

Some folk have faith without being church-goers.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/07/2008 10:06

I am a regular churchgoer and am not in the least offended. Please don't assume you won't be welcomed.

ComeOVeneer · 30/07/2008 10:07

smiling when yousay start a relationhip, does that mean he involvement with church and religion will be ongoing after the christening. If so then I can see it as totaly appropriate, if not thenI'm sorry bu I think it is wrong.

Marina · 30/07/2008 10:07

COV, briefly - I hope very much for them that the vows do have a deeper meaning. We all do. When couples do come back after they were married in the church, everyone is delighted to see them. The C of E is the Established church for us and we have to accept and welcome people who might or might not want to become part of the worshipping community long-term.
Nagapie, if you help out in a creche in church, why do you describe its role as a dumping ground for children who don't know each other, run by adults they don't know either? I agree with you totally that a creche setting for smaller children is problematic because as you say, it is hard to focus on worship, but your description of your experiences sounded pretty bleak Do you feel that this is how some parents perceive your efforts then?
We dodge the issue by having all children under 3 in church and accepting the inevitable squawking with good grace. Our vicar sets the tone on that - she was a former teacher and likes children without being at all sentimental about them.

ComeOVeneer · 30/07/2008 10:08

I too think a blessing is more appropriate, and then when they areolder if they so wish the children can mae up their own (educate0 minds as to wether they wish to be mor einvolved with the church and be christened/confirmed.

flowerybeanbag · 30/07/2008 10:09

Agree with COV, smiling if this is the beginning of a relationship you want to start with the church that's different, and fine I think.

GooseyLoosey · 30/07/2008 10:10

COV - you are right about weddings these days. When I got married it was church or registry office (and the latter was grim indeed where we lived). We had a great vicar and discussed our views honestly with him and niether of us agreed to do anything that would have been hypocritical. No one seems to have come up with a good christening alternative yet.

Marina · 30/07/2008 10:11

And you can and do welcome people week in and week out, FallenMadonna, genuinely, and still be a bit taken aback at their seeming anxiety that they might have to make any contribution towards helping to maintain that community - which they presumably want to be part of in some way.
Some of the posts on here have honestly made me wonder whether occasional worshippers think that the volunteers who provide coffee (very popular and convivial and not at all cliquey), Sunday School, Youth Group etc are just mugs.

Marina · 30/07/2008 10:14

I thought the Humanist Association provided a very good Naming Ceremony alternative though.
I agree that historically it was the Register Office or church for weddings (I can remember six weddings in one afternoon in our church in the early seventies, I made 90 pence from that bout of singing ), but times have changed to give couples a massive choice of attractive secular alternatives.
Maybe the Naming Ceremony will take off in the same way in time.

CarGirl · 30/07/2008 10:15

there are lots humanists celebrations you have performed to name the baby and thank creation for him/her. I think it depends on what you see the purpose being. What purpose do you see "God-parents" having in your dc life, it doesn't mean they are their legal guardians etc.

The way to get your dc settled in creche/Sunday school is to attend regularly tbh!

unknownrebelbang · 30/07/2008 10:17

I know of a family whose parents started to attend church after one of their children got married.

Sometimes, a christening or a wedding can be the trigger for families to become regular worshippers.

I have, of course, also seen christenings where the family are there just for show, and do things like using their mobile throughout the ceremony etc etc.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/07/2008 10:17

Not everyone is that way inclined Marina. I do see your point, but some people are do-ers and some are not. And it works like that everywhere. Pre-school, PTA, social things at work, parish council, community activities. It is the same people, or at least the same type of people, who do things. And even then you have to ration yourself, or you end up ridiculously over burdened.

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