I have been kicked this morning and hit this afternoon

[itati]

I feel like such a wimp

I agree with slim that if your dh could be on 'evening duty' a couple of nights a week it might give you time to regroup. Could you go out for a couple of hours in the evening once a week, for example?

Yeah, the end of the day - 4-ish to 7-ish - can be such a nightmare. Kids tired, and for the parent, so much activity crammed into such a short space. Cooking, entertaining whilst cooking, feeding, sterilising, sorting bottles, bath, stories, nappies, settling. It gets hectic quickly. Everyone's knackered from the job of making it through the day. It's a horrible time, potentially. So yeah - in total agreement with getting helping hands at that time. Damn - if only we could clock off at 4.00pm.

We get home between 3.30-4pm. Straight on to cooking their tea.

Dh home between 6.10-6.30pm and he gets stuck right in with the kids. He does everything and I do what is needed while trying to escape to cook our meal. DS2 always wants me to put him to bed so I do that but DH is more than hands on when he is here.

It is awful. As soon as he comes in he gets rundown of what the kids have done and then he has to talk to them. They aren't taking notice of me so he tries, he always backs me up in front of them and he is at a loss and fed up too.

We had last Saturday on our own but we don't get to go out together usually.

I want to start going swimming a couple of nights a week as I think it will be good for me and might help get rid of my tummy.

What you describe just sounds like life with young children to me. I don't think there is anything that untoward going on. It's hard going at times but things will change. Some things will get easier.
I think it's a good idea that you go swimming. It could be quite de-stressing.

Everyone seems to tell me it doesn't get any easier at the moment and it terrifies me. I have awake nightmares about having a teenager that I can't control and won't behave, when I can't do it with a 7 year old.

I will start swimming next week and want you all to nag me to go!

itati, I know you have posted on here before about your problems with stroppy kids!

I think your punch bag idea is good, but you say your son is not interested.He nees to know how he could use it to help hi, and stop him getting into more trouble. Next time he is about to kick off, try to spot the trigger or the sign.

Intervene and let him know you understand he is angry. Kids should be allowed to feel angry, but need to channel it appropriately. Tell him if he feels like he wants to let it out, thats what his punch bag is for.

I try and put my arms around him when he looks like he is losing it but he hits me, or pushes me away. He is very strong so can get free of me if he tries.

I should keep away from him when he is losing it-ignore him and go into a different room. When he has calmed down ask him what it was all about and discuss the issues. Get him into the habit of knowing that flying off the handle will get him nowhere but that you are prepared to listen if he is reasonable.

I'm sorry but I would have put him to bed for the rest of the day, you need to come down on him like a ton of bricks.
Have you read raising boys by Stephen Bidof ? Fantastic book about mothers not being a push over.

itati- my situation is slightly different because my son is non-verbal and severely autistic. He rarely hits me because he's cross (he bites himself when he's cross), but he just hits me repeatedly each day because it's a way to get rid of energy I think or because he's over stimulated. It's a recent thing and I haven't quite worked it out yet. It might be to try and get a reaction. He tends to not do it to men though. DH thinks it might be a height thing as the one time he has hit dh ds1 was standing on a box so was the same height as him.

He's 9 now and I think some of it might be that wanting to wrestle thing (his 2 younger brothers wrestle) inappropriately applied.

He's also much stronger than me, so if I need to make a statement that his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable then I shove him into his room (or out the room he's in if I feel like I can't get him up the stairs) and hold the door shut until he calms down.

I sometimes have to try and contain his lashing out myself using my arms, but it's really hard. Much easier to put a door betweeen you if possible.

Gooad advice from AbbeyA & KatieDD

Will read last couple of posts in a mo but need help now.

Spoke to DS1 in the care and asked him he remembered this morning and last night. He said he did and he would try harder. He has kicked off because I won't let him have his computer back that he lost this morning. I told him he will learn nothing if he gets it straight back. He said he would break his plant and went outside and deliberately pulled up the peas he had grown. Threw duplo at his siblings and has now gone to his room off his own back.

I will leave him there and read the other posts now.

KatieDD - I did send him to his room for the rest of the day and coming down really hard doesn't always achieve anything.

Ok at the end of the day I don't live in your house and I won't be there next time it kicks off, but in my house the hardline does work. You need somewhere dead boring that he has to go to until he calms down and then a bloody hard punishment that will hit him where it hurts (not literally) that you carry through every single time he even raises his voice and it has to be you that does it not DH or he will see you as the pushover parent. Honestly read the book it's brilliant and might just save your sanity.

Sorry just reread your last post, you're doing everything right, not giving in etc, if you breaks his plant let him get on with it, his loss, if he breaks his brother model I would have doubled the time he loses the computer for, he'll learn in the end.

It was his own model he broke. He doesn't tend to break his siblings thing very often.

What hardline methods do you use and are your children the same sex and age as mine?

itati - if your ds is anything like my ds was then destroying his own stuff is his way of dealing with his upset. My ds would calm down after a while and then it would be possible to talk to him and try to work ways around his frustration in the future.

Katiedd - what do you do when you've taken everything off them and they are practically grounded for life.. and they still won't comply? While 'coming down hard' may work as a very last resort and in the short term, I found that trying to work things out together was more productive long term. Needless to say maybe, but I'm more a fan of Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting.

Itati - realise this must be confusing for you as you are getting differing advice. Think about what might work with your children. You and your ds do sound as though you wind each other up sometimes.

I have girls but have grown up with little brothers who fought and caused absolute chaos in our house, I moved out at 15 when they were 6 it was so bad.
Even with my daughters I know for a fact when they are in an absolute state that explaining things and talking things through just doesn't work.
What does he love most in the world, for ours it would be TV but I only have to take that off them and they are very very sorry. It doesn't stop kids playing up, nothing will do that each and every day but I can read the signs of things brewing and distract them or else if it does go too far then off to bed they go, where there is nothing in their rooms expect beds and books.
I'm not saying i have all the answers, otherwise i'd write a book but my brothers got away with playing up and hitting and kicking out or they got smacked by their Dad, result being at 23 they are still scared of their Dad and think nothing of telling their mum to f**k off and are actually quite unhappy adults who still can't control their tempers at 23 y o.

My eldest DS didn't hit me but he had a point that he went beyond reason and had what I would call a tantrum (way beyond tantrum age). I learned to know the signs and could often nip it in the bud but if he got to a certain point it was too late! There was no point even talking to him if that happened and I used to ignore him, if it proved difficult I locked myself in the loo with a book! Once he had calmed down he was very embarrassed, he knew that it was unacceptable because he got shocked reactions when he did it at school, cubs etc. He never wanted to talk about it; it stopped in the end because he got old enough to realise that everytime he had an outburst he was going to have to talk it through afterwards and he really couldn't justify such an extreme reaction to momentary frustration.

I think you have a good point about adults being unhappy if they can't control their tempers KatieDD, it is something that needs to be sorted out, your example shows that smacking is not the answer.

It is confusing when one is given different suggestions. It was pointed out to me a while ago that I was expecting too much and being too hard on DS1 to he was in the mind set of nothing being good enough. Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

He did take himself off to his room and then it was only when I sent his sister to get him for tea and he asked if he could come down, that I realised he had gone because I told him too.

He came down, I looked at him, he apologised and he has been very good. Has had tea and has just asked nicely if they can watch the Famous Five. I said yes if he cleared his tea pots away and put his shoes away. All done, no trouble,

See, it's not all bad

It isn't . It is just when it is bad, it can be really bad.

All 3 watching TV together now.

It shows that basically itati you have a lovely boy-work on the good behaviour-praise him and give him attention when he is being good and show him that throwing a wobbly is a waste of time.

I did tell him yesterday that he could go like he does but it would achieve nothing and it worked. Didn't work so well today. He has a short fuse. Like his Mum at times. He is also a sensitive boy. Teenage hormones are going to be fun!

Sometimes itati you find that DCs who have been difficult earlier are quite pleasant as teenagers! My eldest DC was lovely after he sorted out the tantrums at about 12yrs. Don't automatically think the worst. Some people's ideal DCs turn into little demons!