DS will always be a target, how do we cope? (long and depressing)

[MrsSnape]

My DS (now 9) has always been different to other kids his age and as a result has been bullied and left out since nursery. He has dyspraxia which means he cannot run very well, walks a bit odd (or "camp" as the kids put it), he has a strange habbit of talking in a posh accent (no idea why, even he doesn't realise he's doing it) and his only interests are karate and to a higher degree, computer progamming.

I just don't know what to do anymore to help him. All the way through year 1, 2 and 3 he was bullied, called names, hit and laughed at. I kicked up a fuss everytime and the teachers told me they couldn't "make" kids be friends with him. They did put him in friendship groups and everything but he's very stubborn, he won't pretend to like stuff (i.e. football) just to fit in, he won't even compromise or simply tolerate it. As far as he's concerned, he'd rather be on his own than do stuff he doesn't like (good in one way I know, makes him hugely unpopular though).

Anyway year 4 seemed to be going ok, no reports of bullying, I managed to talk him into playing football with the lads (something I now regret but he did manage to make himself a bit more popular because of it) and he seemed to be enjoying school. I thought "finally, maybe he's going to be ok after all". Anyway today he's been off school ill and has admitted that not much has changed. The kids in the year below him constantly kick him and try and knock him down (trying to prove that his karate is crap), one boy (the popular one) keeps calling him fat (he isn't fat or even slightly overweight, there is nothing on him), calls him "smelly teeth" and they're all saying he's gay etc. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me "Going on" about it.

Its not just the year below him either, the other kids in his class laugh at him constantly but won't tell him why (I'm guessing its either the way he walks or the way he talks), the kids in the older years are horrible to him too. He said he does have a few friends (and I know this is true because he was around at a boys house last week for tea) but as soon as the name calling starts, they usually join in or laugh along, I assume to make sure they're not targetted next.

People tell me to move him to a different school but its not just school, when I let him play out on the street once it ended up where he was laughed at, called gay, chased and knocked off his bike by the local kids. If I take him to the park the other kids take the piss or he says something to make himself a target (like once he said to one boy "climbing UP the slide really isn't acceptable, its called a slide because you slide down it, not up it" and the kid simply laughed and told him to shut his face).

I know deep down he will always be a target, the only place he is accepted is karate and thats only because its full of teenagers and they find him funny (in a good way) and its cool to be different when you're a teenager, also the girls think he's adorable because he's sensitive, cares about world issues and doesn't try to be macho. I think things will get worse for him at secondary school though.

Has anyone else had a child who was always "a target" and how did it turn out? I hope he creates a computer program that sells for millions so he can laugh in their faces when he see's them in the future

Bink, sorry, but can I grill you a bit? Is yours a day school? How long was he there and how did it help him, do you think?
I can't afford school fees long term, but would be prepared to try for a short period if I felt ds needed it at any point, esp if it would help him with his secondary education.
I really hope that my son won't need that intervention but it's hard to tell. Right now he has a statement mainly because he needs a LOT of help staying on track with tasks.
(sorry MrsS)

Just a quickie, will read the thread properly later to catch up.

Just wanted to share something from DS's annual report with you all (its relevant to the OP).

His ICT..."works indepenently and has an excellent grasp of all things computer related. Often helps the other children and has been known to help the teachers with various technical problems. that's my (extremely geeky) boy!

mrs snape
Ds1s IT report said much the same!
Knowledge 2nd to none. Always assists other students.
Sitting gcse in yr10...
ds embraces his inner geek, but his school is very anti bullying and academic, so he fits in for first time ever, sort of...
Not happy per se but less unhappy iykwim

I would second expats post MrsSnape. Have you considered that he may have Asperger's as well as dyspraxia? My 19 year old DS3 was diagnosed with dyspraxia when he was about 8, but has recently been diagnosed with AS as well.

The two conditions are "co-morbids" and often exist side-by-side. Your DS certainly sounds like he ticks a lot of the boxes for Asperger's. I would ask for him to be assessed as it would lead to him getting a greater understanding of his problems and hopefully some help in school.

my ds sounds really similar to yours mrs s, and does exhibit alot of aspergers traits, but we have been told he [only] has dyspraxia, but that there is alot of similarities with aspergers. (I have read that some people with dyspraxia mostly have co-ordination difficulties, but others have social problems, and my ds certainly does - we don't have an aspergers diagnosis). Having said this, I haven't tried to get him re-assessed recently as I'm not sure this will help him atm.

MsD ... (with apologies to MrsSnape again) (and apologies to you too for what will be long-winded)

Not easy to answer, of course! apart from - yes, it's a day school; and ds was there for 5 terms - we hoicked him out of the mainstream independent he'd been in since reception, which was seeing him as more and more of a liability (basically, barely tolerating him), after one term of Year 3. So he's just finished Year 4 at the specialist school, which at the moment is as high as that school goes.

I think we absolutely did the right thing in taking ds out of the school he was in; but perhaps if he had been at a more clued-up school (by which I mostly mean state, actually - as state schools just do deal with a bigger catchment of child types and, so long as the resources aren't stretched, therefore have the expertise) to start with we wouldn't have needed to do the emergency alternative school thing.

From my narrow experience, it seems to me that the children you really saw benefitting from the peculiar mix of cosiness & intensity at ds's specialist school are the little ones - the 4/5/6 year olds with speech/social delays. (I am quite sure this is also because children whose difficulties persist - or even, like ds's, only really began being a serious challenge - after the age of 7 tend to have more complex & intractable problems. So the success with the little ones may indicate no more than success with a different sort of problem.)

What ds needed most was the social boost, so it worked for him in that way. But because he was surrounded by similarly immature, more-or-less disruptive boys (mostly), it didn't really advance his study habits much - he is a bit better about staying on task than he was, but I'm still pretty shocked at how little there is in his exercise books compared to dd (Year 2, and keen)'s.

However, that's just that particular school: do have a look at the Good Schools Guide SEN supplement - there are quite a few on the same kind of model, and if you found one that went beyond Year 4 that might indicate different strengths. But, against all that, if you are getting good support in a state school (are you?) I'd not be quick to think you'd be better off elsewhere.