DS will always be a target, how do we cope? (long and depressing)

[MrsSnape]

My DS (now 9) has always been different to other kids his age and as a result has been bullied and left out since nursery. He has dyspraxia which means he cannot run very well, walks a bit odd (or "camp" as the kids put it), he has a strange habbit of talking in a posh accent (no idea why, even he doesn't realise he's doing it) and his only interests are karate and to a higher degree, computer progamming.

I just don't know what to do anymore to help him. All the way through year 1, 2 and 3 he was bullied, called names, hit and laughed at. I kicked up a fuss everytime and the teachers told me they couldn't "make" kids be friends with him. They did put him in friendship groups and everything but he's very stubborn, he won't pretend to like stuff (i.e. football) just to fit in, he won't even compromise or simply tolerate it. As far as he's concerned, he'd rather be on his own than do stuff he doesn't like (good in one way I know, makes him hugely unpopular though).

Anyway year 4 seemed to be going ok, no reports of bullying, I managed to talk him into playing football with the lads (something I now regret but he did manage to make himself a bit more popular because of it) and he seemed to be enjoying school. I thought "finally, maybe he's going to be ok after all". Anyway today he's been off school ill and has admitted that not much has changed. The kids in the year below him constantly kick him and try and knock him down (trying to prove that his karate is crap), one boy (the popular one) keeps calling him fat (he isn't fat or even slightly overweight, there is nothing on him), calls him "smelly teeth" and they're all saying he's gay etc. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me "Going on" about it.

Its not just the year below him either, the other kids in his class laugh at him constantly but won't tell him why (I'm guessing its either the way he walks or the way he talks), the kids in the older years are horrible to him too. He said he does have a few friends (and I know this is true because he was around at a boys house last week for tea) but as soon as the name calling starts, they usually join in or laugh along, I assume to make sure they're not targetted next.

People tell me to move him to a different school but its not just school, when I let him play out on the street once it ended up where he was laughed at, called gay, chased and knocked off his bike by the local kids. If I take him to the park the other kids take the piss or he says something to make himself a target (like once he said to one boy "climbing UP the slide really isn't acceptable, its called a slide because you slide down it, not up it" and the kid simply laughed and told him to shut his face).

I know deep down he will always be a target, the only place he is accepted is karate and thats only because its full of teenagers and they find him funny (in a good way) and its cool to be different when you're a teenager, also the girls think he's adorable because he's sensitive, cares about world issues and doesn't try to be macho. I think things will get worse for him at secondary school though.

Has anyone else had a child who was always "a target" and how did it turn out? I hope he creates a computer program that sells for millions so he can laugh in their faces when he see's them in the future

thats lovley sally.

i am so glad he is excited about his birthday, i never even thought about children who are bullied missing out on things like this.

Sally, he sounds like the sort of boy I wish my DD also 14 could meet. She was a very popular, pretty child. As she approached her teens it all changed, she filled out and kind of dropped out. Still pretty, very intelligent but doesn't fit in. Not a chav IYSWIM. God its hard isn't it?

I think your lovely boy needs a statement. Not really that much use in school but VERY useful when choosing a secondary.
Also, his school is being USELESS. My ds is six and his school is getting him a laptop because he just cannot write like the other children, despite having a wonderful imagination and sense of humour. When he is older I will use his DLA money to pay for a touch typing course for children. It is insane that in a world of computers, texts, emails, Blackberrys etc our kids are struggling because they aren't very good with a PEN. Mad.
As for the social side, lots of primaries have social skills group, circle of friends, all sorts of really practical help. At the moment ds has friends who accept his eccentricities and one soulmate who is his inseperable best friend. He is not an unhappy boy, but I am constantly vigilant as I know life can be tricky for square pegs in a world of round holes.

thanks for all the advice. How do I go about getting him assessed for a statement? The school are useless, they just leave him walking around the playground on his own every day. I have suggested computer clubs, chess clubs etc and they always say they don't have the staff and most of the kids are happy with the way things are

DD struggles in that she now relates to adults more than her peers. She seems to have skipped the teen years and cannot relate to her friends. It breaks my heart. Although I reassure her that its OK.

Sorry I cannot answer about the statement. Just bumping for you.

Not sure about the statement, but a lot of the other stuff (like the sessions Hassled refers to, as well as speech therapy and occupational therapy) are available through the community paediatric team, independent of the school (although they will go into school). Presumably you have a diagnosis of dyspraxia - badger your GP mercilessly for a referral and chase - there must be (has to be) a team in your area who co-ordinate these services.

I'd get him a pet. Or two or three.

Animals are better than people.

And sports? I'd get him in ones with a lot of older people involved, adults even, like rambling, climbing and the like.

I met a load of people in the hillwalking/climbing world who never 'fit in', for a whole host of reasons. But they found a place where they did and where people just don't give a fuck about trivial stuff and this is never a bad thing.

The more exposure he has to people who are not his own age and/or animals, the better.

Oh Mrs snape I am so sorry.
It sounds as though your ds is actually very intelligient and will probably grow up and do very well for himself.
As for these other children doing the bullying maybe they need educating about the fact that not everyone is the same and that some children may have special needs.
In my opinion it is the schools responsibility to ensure that pupils are educated about this sort of thing and to ensure your ds is not bullied.

It may be worth looking into a school that caters for children with needs such as your ds's.

I'd def encourage Warhammer - but not World of Warcraft. Warhammer (and all the other tabletop roleplaying games) are a social activity with defined rules, but a group of people together never the less. If theres a Games Workshop, or another RPG shop near you, then they usually have groups at the weekends and holidays that he can just go along to. He sounds like he'd fit in perfectly with them.

It can be a bit pricey, but put a wanted on Freecycle, and he'll be able to get stuff on there. DH also has a load of 40k minatures that he no longer needs, and I'd be happy to send them to you for free (anything to clear it from our house !)

I disagree dibbler, WoW could be great for a kid who has trouble fitting in - people in WoW are a lot more flexible about what constitutes "normal" behavior and the group is so diverse that it is a great way to learn about people and what makes them tick.

But hey that may just be me, we have some youngun's in our guild who we look out for.

You can apply for a statement yourself, and if you tell the school you are doing it might buck up its ideas.
Try www.ipsea.org.uk/ for information about getting a statement.
Has he a diagnosis of dyspraxia? Arrange to go back to see his consultant and explain that things are socially difficult and get some advice. Also ask him to write a report for the statment (he will be asked as part of the process, but I think it helps if you are proactive). Does he have any therapy at all - eg OT, SALT? The fact that 'other children' are find is such a totally CRAP excuse. If your ds used a wheelchair would they refuse to put in ramps because the 'other children' can walk? This sort of thing makes me absolutely furious. Invisible disabilities are a nightmare.
Also he is being bullied by being excluded and called names. Ask to see a copy of the school's policy on bullying, then get an appointment with the head to discuss the issue. Also a meeting with the senco, the head and the class teacher and TA to discuss how his needs are not being met and how he needs a laptop etc as well as social skill training. Is he on school action plus?

He is on school action plus yes, he has not been formally diagnosed with dyspraxia, nobody will help me. I have spoken to the special needs co-ordinator at the school and she agrees that she is almost 99% sure he has a form of dyspraxia, all the way back in year one she was always concerned about how much he fell over, his social interactions and the way he "trots" rather than walks but nothing was done. She told me she will "Look into it further" but she said this 6 or so months ago. Whats more irritating is the fact that a few weeks ago I was approached by DS2's teacher (7 year old) who told me there were suspicions that HE could have dyspraxia as he's a bit clumsy and still can't control a pencil. IMO DS2 is fine but if they can pick up such subtle clues with him, why has DS1 been left when his difficulties are MUCH more obvious?

Have you been to your GP and asked for a referral to a developmental paediatrician and an occupational therapist? Don't leave it in the hands of the school. You do often need to push and chase and push and chase to get anything done.

You poor thing - my sympathy for you all.

If school is failing him, not recognising and supporting his difficulties and not acting effectively on the bullying: change schools. Yr 5 is not too late at all. In fact, it is a great time to move with time to get settled with new friends before secondary school.

If you feel that moving schools is too drastic, I think that it would be worth following up with the GP and getting their advice and support. The teachers are not trained in picking up all medical conditions and sometimes children do fall between the gaps. When I taught, we went on the odd course now and again but could hardly be called experts when it came to specific learning difficulties.

In the immediate term, sounds like you are a wonderful, caring concerned parent and your son is lucky to have you there for him. Keep doing what you are doing, supporting and encouraging him, finding activities he enjoys and succeeds in. Don?t let this bullying go uncommented upon. Do make an appt with the teacher/head and follow through, even if it is nearly end of term.
Good Luck x

Morloth - actually I completely agree that WoW is very inclusive etc (and I have some otherwise socially inept friends who find it a great interaction), but I don't think that it is a great idea for a socially struggling preteen who is already isolated. And its for just that reason, that spending time online can be an easy way of fulfilling your social drive, and can lead to a lessening of the urge to try and make rl friends. And I think that children do need to have those first and foremost.

I suggest tabletop RPGs as these tend very much to be played by people that like their activities to be intellectual, socially predicatable, and to have defined rules. Heaven only knows that I have known a lot of role players in my time, and most have not fitted into the social norms.

You could be right dibbler, and social norms are overrated in any case.

DnD and stuff though are not that popular anymore, we do still play when home with the group, but we find WoW a useful medium (though it does mean some odd hours when trying to play with people in Australia).

MrsSnape, I know it must be awful to watch, but he will find friends I am sure. Both my DH and I were nerds growing up and got teased a bit (I was lucky enough to have a large number of older brothers and sisters at my school so it was never too bad for me).

I get a special kind of joy visiting my old home town and seeing the horrible little witches who picked on me for being fat and geeky still working in KFC or something and having a crap life...its mean but thoroughly deserved IMO.

Do you have any access to things run by council/other bodies for special/additional need children?

I ask only because my ds (also 9, lots of issues, esp. on the social side, but no diagnosis) has been at a specialist school for the last 5 terms where he has been able to mix with peers facing a whole host of mildish-but-there challenges, from speech delays to dyspraxia to severe dyslexia to high-functioning autism - and, though it might sound odd to say, he has really wholeheartedly enjoyed being one of a bunch who all find life a bit tricky in one way or another.

He's made some lovely friends - and more to the point, actually, so have I. There's nothing more bolstering than a schoolgate natter with someone whose dilemmas are the same as yours (and whose nice little son has become your son's best friend).

I'm not suggesting you find an entire school like that - but were you to find a social group or similar you might find the same homely feeling.

PS - as lateral thinking in case it's difficult to find something - the mother of a dyspraxic friend used to send him (from elsewhere in the country) on holiday sports camps in north London - because the incidence of dyspraxia among observant Jews is so disproportionately high (genuine statistics) that whatever his difficulties were he always had someone in the same boat. My friend is Jewish himself, but you wouldn't need to be.

My daughter has dyspraxia, MrsSnape, quite severe, but she doesn't display any of the social problems you son appears to have - her needs mostly pertain to the physical problems she has with motor skills, spatial awareness, etc.

Socially she does very well and has many friends, but she is quite clumsy and has learning difficulties - particularly with spatial concepts.

Some children who have dyspraxia are also on the autism spectrum.

Has your child been assessed for ASD as well?

Because it sounds like from your posts there might be something more going on besides dyspraxia.

Hello MrsSnape my ds is similar to yours although he hasn't got a statement.
Which side of Hull are you ? (we are East)
Ds1 is going into year 5 in September also.

Your son's school sounds great Bink. Is it an independent school?

MsD - Yes it is. Which is of course a pity, as it puts it out of lots of people's reach.

However, state schools with language (or autism) units (as NOT available in my borough!) probably do the same job, or better - I think my ds would have been very happy at a state school like that, even if he wasn't in the "unit" itself, if you see what I mean. It's a matter of what then becomes the range of children you see every day - if lots of them have difficulties, it all feels more ordinary.

(Ds is moving on from his safe-place school this Sept - so I have worries about how he'll do in m/s. But he will of course keep up with his friends from there, as will I.)

Bink ,my son is at a simailr school in East Anglia ,he has done 3 terms I have my little boy back,weel in fact I haven't I have the real ds2 .We are hopinh to do 3 more terms may I ask whether you found it difficult to find a m/s school that would accomodate him.

Sorry to hijack Mrs Snape ,my ds has severe specific learning difficulties but does have some of teh social interaction problems that you describe as well.He has recently stated with a new speech and language therepaist which has made a huge difference as she has really helped him with social signals etc

Such a big good question floaty!! - the headmaster of ds's safe-place school (which has the express objective of taking children for a set intensive period & then returning them to m/s - is yours like that?) had a pretty firm idea of where ds should go next, so basically put it in place for him.

Other parents at the school whose children are moving on have arranged their own next schools - one is going to a m/s independent with a very strong SEN dept, another is going to a very small school. How easy it is to find the places has varied though, I know that - behavioural issues (which ds does have) being more of an obstacle than specific learning difficulties.

So glad to hear your son is thriving, though, that's lovely.

(Sorry for hijack, MrsS)