DS will always be a target, how do we cope? (long and depressing)

[MrsSnape]

My DS (now 9) has always been different to other kids his age and as a result has been bullied and left out since nursery. He has dyspraxia which means he cannot run very well, walks a bit odd (or "camp" as the kids put it), he has a strange habbit of talking in a posh accent (no idea why, even he doesn't realise he's doing it) and his only interests are karate and to a higher degree, computer progamming.

I just don't know what to do anymore to help him. All the way through year 1, 2 and 3 he was bullied, called names, hit and laughed at. I kicked up a fuss everytime and the teachers told me they couldn't "make" kids be friends with him. They did put him in friendship groups and everything but he's very stubborn, he won't pretend to like stuff (i.e. football) just to fit in, he won't even compromise or simply tolerate it. As far as he's concerned, he'd rather be on his own than do stuff he doesn't like (good in one way I know, makes him hugely unpopular though).

Anyway year 4 seemed to be going ok, no reports of bullying, I managed to talk him into playing football with the lads (something I now regret but he did manage to make himself a bit more popular because of it) and he seemed to be enjoying school. I thought "finally, maybe he's going to be ok after all". Anyway today he's been off school ill and has admitted that not much has changed. The kids in the year below him constantly kick him and try and knock him down (trying to prove that his karate is crap), one boy (the popular one) keeps calling him fat (he isn't fat or even slightly overweight, there is nothing on him), calls him "smelly teeth" and they're all saying he's gay etc. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me "Going on" about it.

Its not just the year below him either, the other kids in his class laugh at him constantly but won't tell him why (I'm guessing its either the way he walks or the way he talks), the kids in the older years are horrible to him too. He said he does have a few friends (and I know this is true because he was around at a boys house last week for tea) but as soon as the name calling starts, they usually join in or laugh along, I assume to make sure they're not targetted next.

People tell me to move him to a different school but its not just school, when I let him play out on the street once it ended up where he was laughed at, called gay, chased and knocked off his bike by the local kids. If I take him to the park the other kids take the piss or he says something to make himself a target (like once he said to one boy "climbing UP the slide really isn't acceptable, its called a slide because you slide down it, not up it" and the kid simply laughed and told him to shut his face).

I know deep down he will always be a target, the only place he is accepted is karate and thats only because its full of teenagers and they find him funny (in a good way) and its cool to be different when you're a teenager, also the girls think he's adorable because he's sensitive, cares about world issues and doesn't try to be macho. I think things will get worse for him at secondary school though.

Has anyone else had a child who was always "a target" and how did it turn out? I hope he creates a computer program that sells for millions so he can laugh in their faces when he see's them in the future

Its not comparable, not at all but...

I was severely bullied at school, had very few friends, who like your son's friends would rather laugh with the bullies than get bulied themselves (i understand that now, did not then).

I had a hobby that I was good at - started as sea cadets, found a 'niche' I guess, but still did not fit in really, well did not feel like it.

iI started sailing as a hobby and put myself into it, it was my sanctuary, its what I very soon lived and breathed for. And when my teenage friends were out getting pissed I was in bed early as I had a race the next morning, or I was out camping by the sea for club races when I got invited. I did not do much other than this hobby and it saved me.

It built my confidence and helped me realise that its ok to be different.

I went to Uni, have great friends, married with a wonderful DH and DD. I always found it hard to make friends but managed to find like minded people somehow.

Encourage your wonderful sounding DS. Ensure he continues his karate as it sounds like he is good at it. He will find his own niche, where people will respect him and like him and where he can be himself without being bullied. It might not be at school, but it will happen.

I was just about to recommend that book to you - I do it all the time! It's called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship and it is such a lovely, sympathetic book. Your son is super-bright and might even want to read parts of it himself.
My own son has Aspergers and dyspraxia and I recognise that policeman trait all too well! He sounds a great kid. Yes, let him change schools. Is he as clever as he sounds? As others say, could he sit for a scholarship somewhere? He sounds the kind of kid who would absolutely blossom in the right environment.

His traits are remarkably (or not so considering his dyspraxia) similar to asperger's syndrome (my ds1 has as)- the voice, the walk, the interests, the social interaction. So I think you'd really benefit from reading books that focus on young children with as and how to help them socially.
I would move schools witout a doubt or even better (but I understand that this is rarely possible) home educate. No one should have to face this at any age, let alone primary school age.
It must be so hard to have heard this and I do think the school needs to come down harder on this. However,I have also heard the' we can't make them be friends with him' line and it's the pits .

teenage friends = meant peers, they were not my friends! at typo.

Yes, the school sound rubbish and totally unsympathetic.

I am proud of him, I get mad at myself because when I get stressed and upset about it I find myself getting on at him in a "why can't you just act normal, then they'll leave you alone" kind of way (not exact words obviously!) but when he's gone to bed and I think about things I realise how special he is and how lucky I am to have him.

The whole class wrote a story on the computers at school last week, most just wrote it and printed it out, DS made it into a book. Added a blurb, an "about the author" page, chapters, published it with MS publisher, downloaded a picture of a castle from google/images for the front cover and then explained to the teacher what ms publisher was and how people really ought to learn these things if they want to do well he ended with in the achievement assembly for it.

Piffle, I will email you, thank you.

Sorry if my posts cross, I'm not ignoring anyone, just having trouble keeping up! you're all brilliant

Your OP is so sad - I really feel for you and your DS. My DS2 is 10 and Dyspraxic - also quirky, has "silly" walk and eccentric at times. He's been very lucky in that he's stayed with a group of friends since Reception who have mostly been very supportive, but I worry about the secondary years.

Three things - one: when I spoke to DS2's paediatrician about my concerns he said he thought High School might actually be better - they're so big that there will be more oddballs amongst them, and they'll find each other. In my day these were probably the Science or Computer Club "geeks" - and thse groups of kids are usually tolerated.

Two: paediatrician also suggested referring DS2 on to sessions for AS-spectrum children where social skills were "taught". Would that be useful?

Three: Is there a local public/private school that offers bursaries or scholarships? I never thought I would be advocating private education, but it might be a better, smaller environment for quirky eccentric boys like ours. If High School doesn't work out for DS2, I'll be looking into that route.

ds starts year 5 (again, the new school want to put him back in his age group as they are sure they can manage him being 5 or so years ahead) so our ds's must be about the same age. We're in Derby if he wants a friend who is the same.

I feel so for your dc as school should so not be like that.

He does sound super bright; it's a shame you're not in grammar school land as my school is populated by boys like yours - I keep tripping over boys playing war hammer in the corridor.

Any good investigating independents that offer bursaries/ scholarships? And extreme thought possibly, but are you committed to living in that region?

just bought that unwritten rules book for ds1, and a few others (lots of bully ones there i note).

DS1 is pretty aggressive (that should get under statement of the year award!) and we know his chances of turning things around now are nil- the bullying makes it worse (he is called Ass-Burger by his classmates).
We're sending him to a different comp than his school feeder as a last chance where he wont have a name for himself- after that I have no idea, just dread

There is a private school in the city but I'm not sure he'd pass a scholarship. If the tests were entirley on computers then he'd walk it...but if it involved maths and english (like it obviously would) he's simply average in those areas. Another hope is the city centre boys school, its still run like a military accademy and I think DS would love it, extremely hard to get into though, very small school...last year it had over 300 applications and only 56 got in.

There is no way I could afford the fees for private otherwise, I'm a single mum and currently not working (although I'm hoping this changes by the end of the year).

His english sounds very good to me, his use of the language sounds fantastic. There's no harm in asking. Forget about the scholarships though, most only offer a small fee reduction so are likely to be picked up by the children who have been coached. Go for the means tested busaries that will cover all the fees.

i remember reading your earlier threads mrssnape no answers for you but he really does sound like the most wonderful child.

i really hope that something changes for him soon.

MrsSnape - don't dismiss the private route. There are a fair few that offer complete bursaries, or as much as is needed unrelated to academic scholarships. Some like [http://www.christs-hospital.org.uk/ here]] admit all children regardless of parents' ability to pay.

christs hospital's a boarding school isn't it? Doesn't it only go from year 7?

I am sorry to hear of the problems your ds is having mrssnape and the problems that the other dc mentioned on this thread are experiencing too. It makes me feel so sad that they are havng to go through this.

My ds was bullied at school as well because he was perceived as different for similar reasons to your ds. I watched his confidence and happiness ebb away over time - it got to the point where I had to go to the school gates every break time, out of sight, but just so he knew I was there because he was so worried about being in the playground . He was having panic attacks and every aspect of his life was being affected. There were no other schools locally where I felt he would fare any better so we made the decision to home educate him. He now goes to an online school which he really enjoys and appeals to his geeky nature and is doing very well.

I do worry still about whether we have done the right thing for him academically but I do know he is much happier than he was. I hope that once he has done his GCSE's he may want to go to a sixth form college for his A levels as I feel now he is older { he is 14 now} that he will both enjoy it and benefit from it.

yes, I was thinking of secondary when I posted.

www.hymers.hull.sch.uk/default.asp

This is the private school, I don't know how to work how if they do help with fee's, would anyone be kind enough to look on the site for us? I don't know what to look for.

Kerrymum, he does write yes. well he tries...vocally his English is brilliant but on paper he's quite behind where he should be for his age group. Dyspraxia together with the fact that he's left handed has really done nothing for his hand writing. Computer writing is better but he still doesn't form sentances very well, he has it all marked out in his head but when it comes to typing it up it all seems to come out wrong.

It says they have funding availiable, phone the bursar and ask. Phone for a prospectus and ask about funding.

It sounds lovely .

sorry I haven't read the whole thread so someone may have said this already...

how much 'intervention' has your DS had - OT, speech & language therapy, sociak skills coaching?

All of this is available through the NHS for children with Dyspraxia. Unfortunately you have to fight tooth and nail to get it... seems to be that if you can start now your DS might have a fighting chance of a clean start at a new school (or at secondary school).

Apologies if you are already doing all this. My DS's best friend has dyspraxia and I am eternally grateful that DS appears oblivious (although he does occasionally find his friend 'annoying', but that is mutual )