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Parenting

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Original poster

Would you insist on meeting exPs new partner...

23 replies

mankymummy · 10/07/2008 11:56

before DS goes to stay with them overnight?

she is a relatively new GF and its the first time DS will have stayed away from home overnight without me?

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 10/07/2008 11:58

Well it would certainly be nice but I don't know that I would insist.

largeginandtonic · 10/07/2008 12:00

No need she lived with us for 7 months before i discovered he had been shagging her for 6 of them.

Stangely i am quite happy for the children to go and stay with them now as at least i know she is good with the childern as i saw her first hand with them for so long.

Original poster

mankymummy · 10/07/2008 12:06

oh my god G&T thats awful...

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largeginandtonic · 10/07/2008 12:10

It is awful but i met the man of my dreams soon after. We are married now and have baby #2 on the way He is a saint who took on me with all 5 children in a mess. Silver linnings and all that.

largeginandtonic · 10/07/2008 12:11

Do you think he would have someone around your ds that would be unsuitable? Is he generally a good judge of character?

FAQ · 10/07/2008 12:15

well I've met someone since H moved out, and he's stayed the night on several occasions. H has never met him (not sure he knows about him yet - unless the DS's have said something - which they probably have).

I don't know if he's met anyone permanent -( as I have good reason to believe he was cheating on me before we split - possibly for at least 3yrs - but not nesecarily the same person...) and tbh if he has that's for him to sort out.

He doesn't come checking up on my friends who may be around while I have the DS's (or who I may use for babysitting) likewise - I've never checked up on his friends that may be around while he has the DS's - and I don't see that a new GF would be any of my business either.

Original poster

mankymummy · 10/07/2008 12:28

hmm... he's not a great judge of character but apparently she is a friend of some mutual friends of ours and they are not the sort to hang around with loonies .

she has kids of her own too which is a plus point...

OP posts:

milknosugar · 10/07/2008 12:30

i wouldnt, mainly because they can tell you to sod off its none of your business and then you are left feeling crap and no better off. better to pick your battles imo. i also wouldnt want my ex dictating who they can see when with me and its no different really

davidtennantsmistress · 10/07/2008 12:34

well, going against the grain here, XH and I have both agreed to sit down n discuss DS meeting any new respective partners when the time comes. this would incl over night stays as well.

I want to know who ds will be with, but not interested in their goings on.

solo · 10/07/2008 12:37

I think it's the feeling of another woman caring for my children that would make me feel odd tbh. Don't like the idea at all...Think I'd just rather he got lost and didn't see Dd if we split. Hopefully, I wont have to test that one out though.

davidtennantsmistress · 10/07/2008 12:42

I don't like it solo - but then again in some respects i'm in a better position than XH - I have DS with me all the time XH doesn't (even thou he has tried!) cheek of it - anyhow, we've agreed not to have a string of partners in front of DS, I know XH would want to meet a partner if he was going to be living with us as he'd be in effect raising his child, and i'd just want to know who my son was with tbh.

LadySanders · 10/07/2008 12:46

my exh recently asked me to meet his new gf so i could "feel comfortable" with her being with our son. my feeling is it will take more than 1 hello at the car to make me feel comfortable.

as it turns out, they moved in together a week later, a fact he neglected to mention, but still i can't see how meeting her is going to make a difference as its not like he's going to split up wtih her if i don't like her.

all that said, if you WOULD feel better about it, then you are absolutely entitled in my opinion, to ask to meet her before your son does.

LadySanders · 10/07/2008 12:48

also if i met her, i would end up saying something to the effect of "if you so much as raise your voice to my son i'll rip your eyes out", which would probably be unhelpful

Katelyn · 10/07/2008 12:51

I don't think I'd 'insist' but i think I might say to ExH that if he wouldnt mind bringing her with him next time he collected the children, I'd like to say hello and rid any hard feelings she thinks there may be.

Ultimately, whether you like her or not, your ExH has chosen to be with her and so for your kids sakes (and your sanity!) i'd think it best that you got on?

I'm sure the circumstances can make things very different but in an ideal world thats what I'd want.

Original poster

mankymummy · 10/07/2008 12:56

i'm very happy to get on with her, im soft enough to think that exP his GF, me, my DP and my DS can all be one big happy family... .

exP met my DP last month and I would like to meet the GF, not least so that my DS doesnt pick up on any odd vibes IYKWIM.

OP posts:

Katelyn · 10/07/2008 12:58

mankymummy

Exactly what I would do.

I would just suggest that he brings her next time he collects your son and rather than make it a big thing initially, just pop your head in the car and say that [your son] has mentioned her to you and you thought you'd say hi.....keep it brief because whilst you seem fairly reasonable, you don't know just how receptive she is going to be with you!

Original poster

mankymummy · 10/07/2008 13:00

good idea katelyn... and i shall keep a very strong grip of myself and not advise her to run for the hills as far as exP is concerned !!!!

OP posts:

Katelyn · 10/07/2008 13:04

mankymummy

and it'll get up his nose too because if he's told her any horror stories, they'll drive anyway and she'll be thinking 'what a nice lady'.....

Good luck!!

davidtennantsmistress · 10/07/2008 13:04

manky that's what we're after - but it won't happen over night, start off with a quick hello etc. and see from there.

youcannotbeserious · 10/07/2008 13:11

Speaking as a stepmum, then I'd say, yes, ask to meet her.

If she's decent, she will welcome the change to speak to you about your kids, how you do things etc.,

I met with my DH's ex to talk about the kids and it was one of the best things we did.

Plus, it had a very positive effect on the kids that they realised that she and I spoke.

FAQ - I do think things are differnt for a RP... but for an NRP, it's good that the kids feel secure and I think that is helped by the RP meeting the new partner.

I did it (and I was the new partner and it worked ) and I would recommend it to other mums and step mums.

solo · 10/07/2008 13:17

And all I ever wanted was to be married - happily to a great man, we'd have a couple of kiddies and he'd be a fab husband/father, we'd be blissfully happy with our lot... what happened?!...
Two failed marriages, two Dc's by two different fathers, neither of which I was married to...wasn't my dream.

Original poster

mankymummy · 10/07/2008 13:21

i know how you feel solo... i never dreamt i would be a single parent... i wouldnt be without DS though.

OP posts:

solo · 10/07/2008 14:19

No, me neither manky...my kids are my reason for living. I doubt I'll ever marry again and my life with Dp is far from normal/perfect, but I love him so have to live in hope.

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