DS (8 month) cries in nursery ALL DAY LONG - help!!!

[anonymxxx]

Hi! I just started a new job this week and DS is for the first time in nursery. We are very comfortable with the nursery: they are very professional and experienced, also very compassionate. We have him there from 9-11, then I come for BF and play for 1h, he is there again by himself from 12-2 and then DH picks him up (we are working "shifts" right now to minimize DSs time in nursery).

He cries when I drop him off and pick him up (that's expected) but: he also cries almost the whole time while we are gone (He falls asleep from exhaustions in between, then starts up when awake again). We asked the nursery to call us when they cannot calm him down for 30min and they do so every day. They say he is more upset than other babies in similar circumstances.

He has also started to refuse to eat solids (he loves his food and normally cannot have enough), even when I am there with him (at the nursery), and he refuses to sleep until I am home. As soon as he sees me he collapses from exhaustion.

We tried everything to make this NOT traumatic for him and as I say we are comfortable with the nursery and the set up.

Any help, tips, ideas, experiences, support?
I take it all!

Anybody? Is this the wrong thread, maybe?

Poor you. I did post on your other thread suggesting a comfort object, if he doesn't have one (maybe a jumper/Tshirt of yours)?

Since my DC were FF I never had the BF issue - but it does seem to me that the on his own, then Mummy there, then on his own again thing may be making it harder for him - Do the nursery have previous experience of that working, and is expressing maybe an option?

Hi Stealthsquiggle. Thanks for your posts and sorry for not replying to the post on the other thread. Yes, I have left a number of comfort objects: blanket, teddy-lamb, my T-shirt (worn). I had hoped they would help, but TBH he is not much into them. I used the lamb and tried to associate it with sleep with marginal effect.

Hm. Will think about your other idea. I had thought it would be good if he makes the experience that I come as often as possible, so that he realises he is only there for times. But you think that leaving him "again" could confuse him. I hate expressing since it takes a long time and nursery is only 5min from work, but DS needs comes first!

There are a number of mums who come by at lunch, for one or the other reason, mostly to play with DC.

I guess BF is the one thing where he is sure I am there and he might be clever enough to play this card. Understandible, really.

Thanks a lot.

If there are other mothers doing it then it must work for them - but I know that my (settled, nursery loving) DC would both have been seriously unimpressed if I had come in and then left them again. I took DS with me to a parents evening once and he hated it - they associated Mummy turning up with home time - DD (20mths) loves nursery but as soon as I appear she grabs her possessions and heads for the door at top speed.

If nursery are used to working that way with other mothers then maybe ask them if they think it would make any difference?

When you say you've started a new job this week, do you mean on Monday, and your DS has just been to nursery three days so far? Has he had settling-in visits beforehand? Cos if not, it's really very early days.

Do you have to express/give him milk?
My DD went to nursery at a similar age (and was BF) and I had no success with expressing. I asked them to offer her formula but she refused (and still does) so she just had water and was fine. We also did shortish days so you can BF morning,bedtime and once in the day. I'm no expert on these things but I think that kind of amount is fine if he is eating well (sure the breastfeeding board can help).

On the settling in I'm not sure I can offer much more than sympathy. DD was pretty much the same when she started at about the same age. She still takes about 30 mins to calm down when I leave her and is 'unsettled when tired' (which seems to mean 'has crying fits in the day'). It is embarrassing when every other parent seems to be able to plonk the baby down and walk out without much fuss from the baby.

The comfort object did help. I put a few in her cot at home and tried taking them in turn to nursery. She fairly quickly attached to one teddy and whenever I pick her up she is holding him. I think that helps her.

I have to say that I think some children (including my DD) are not well suited to nursery at this age but it's far too early to say that in your case.

Thanks for all the replies. Yes, it's only been the 3rd day. I was at the nursery once a week for two weeks and last week my mum went every day for 3h. She lives far away, so it was an in-between thing and he seemed to do fine.

I guess, he could last for 6h without milk (if he eats...) and we could easily get in two BF morning and two in the afternoon/night.

It sounds I should try harder to get a comfort object that can accompany him to nursery and back. Will try that.

I realise it's very early days and everything can change quickly. It's just in transitions like this that advice and support is very important.

Thanks again for your suggestion.

Thanks. Today has been better. He is not crying all the time while I am gone and even has slept some. But he is still refusing solids while he is there. (He loves his food at home, I couldn't believe it until I had seen it.) I think that's his way of objecting. Only one more day and then the first week will be over. Puuuuuuh. Time to get a break and get a fresh start next week.

I think I am starting to stress about it, which is the worst I can do, because he certainly will pick up on it.

The nursery thinks it's harder for him right now if I show up and then leave again, but in the long run better, since he will be used to me coming and going. It is still a very valid point. Will think about it some more.

how awful for you all. i can't believe that you not coming and stopping bf during the day is any sort of solution to this though.

have you considered a childminder? he may be happier with a sole(ish) carer. i say this as a bfing cm user myself, do not have any experience of nurseries.

I think if you have a nursery which is used to mothers popping in and out and happy to manage a harder transition in order to make that work in the longer run you should go with it.

I have nothing more constructive to offer than sympathy. Nursery staff did end up rocking DS in his car seat occasionally because it was the only way he would settle?!

I have ro advice except that in a couple of weeks he will probably be fine. 8 months is the worst for seperation anxiety but he will calm down soon.