Seperation anxiety 6 year old

[Kiwi98]

Hi,

In desperate need of advice please as I’m really struggling how to handle this.

I have a 6 almost 7 year old only child who I share with my ex. She is suspected to be mildly autistic and we are in the process of waiting for her referal from school to be accepted.

She stays with me Sun-Weds and goes to her dads Thurs-Sun lunch time. This time last year she started to displayed signs of seperation anxiety and used to say her tummy hurt on facetime and asked to come home. I was always persistent with gently saying no as I didn’t want her relationship with her dad to deteriorate, also her family circle mostly comes from his side. I also use the 3 days she is at her dads to catch up on errands, help clean at my grandparents, food shop ect as well as having some me time and quality time with my partner.

Last christmas it got too much for her dad and his mum, and she ended up being dropped off at midnight with no warning and I was told to sort her out as she had been complaining about stomach ache. Which I now think is actually a physical anxiety symptom for her. I had her seen by the GP and peadiatricians, changed her diet, encouraged things dad could do to make the weekends more exciting for her and all was well again. Until recently. She has started complaining of tummy ache and saying she doesn’t want to go as she will miss me, she is getting teary upon pick up, facetiming me every night she is there asking to come home.

It is now getting emotionally exhausting for both of us but mostly for dad. I believe she has seperation anxiety from me but my main issue is, I dont know what to do. I don’t really want her to not see her dad anymore as he is a really good dad to her and is the more fun parent. I know she loves him to bits but I feel like she prefers to be at home with me, where it is a lot calmer and quieter as dad lives with his mum, 2 dogs and a cat.

I really don’t know how to handle this apart from potentially talking to SENDCO at school. Any suggestions will be appreciated!

That sounds really tough, and it makes sense that you are torn. You want her to keep that good relationship with her dad, and you can also see that his house is a lot for her right now.

My little one is three, so younger than your daughter, and I have not been through a shared custody handover myself, but we have dealt with autism and special needs in our family, and the thing that has helped us most is making transitions really predictable and low pressure. When a place feels busy or noisy, it is not always about not wanting to go. Sometimes it is just too much at once, especially at the end of a long day.

A couple of things I would try if you can talk them through with her dad: keep the handover itself short and calm, with the same words and the same routine each time, and let her bring something familiar from home, like a soft toy or a blanket, that stays with her there. A simple picture plan for the first hour at his house could help too, like snack, quiet time, then play, so she knows what is coming next. And if she has a quiet corner there, even just a cushion in a bedroom where she can go when the dogs and the noise get too much, that can make a big difference.

I would also keep the video calls short and predictable if she still wants them, maybe a quick goodnight call at the same time, rather than a long call when she is already upset. And I would be gentle with the Christmas midnight handover if you can change it. That is a hard time for any tired child, and even harder when the routine is different and everyone is excited.

You are doing the right thing by not just stopping contact. He sounds like a lovely dad, and she clearly loves him. I would keep the school in the loop while you wait for the referral too, so they can help with the same calm routine and give you a note of what they are seeing. It does not need to be fixed in one week. Small, steady changes usually help more than a big new plan.

Hope the next handover is a bit easier for both of you.

Stop FaceTimes as that’s giving her the opportunity to ask to come home. Instead change it to a voice note from each of you to the other saying a short/ sweet good night love you.

Sounds like you’re doing well tbf so give yourself some credit!

Separation anxiety is a blanket term that’s often used to cover a number of different things and frequently doesn’t really describe what is actually happening.

In autistic children (I have two complex ones myself and support SEND families) who are struggling with supposed separation anxiety, often what is actually going on is that the parent that the child can’t be away from is essentially an auxiliary aid for the child’s disability. In other words, you meet your child’s needs when she is in your care, and it’s likely that in her father’s care some of her needs are not met consistently enough.

It is likely that you (and your home environment) are doing a better job of supporting your child’s specific difficulties and what you are seeing essentially represents unmet need at her father’s house. This may be purely around a busier, noisier environment at his, it may be his approach to parenting, it may be the routine that she has over there doesn’t work for her so well or is less consistent l, or many things in combination.

If you look at it through this lens you actually have a shot of getting this resolved. Instead, people often find themselves trying and failing to address a child’s anxiety (often treated as an irrational problem within the child) when actually the root cause is often entirely rational and can be addressed.

Education about autism more generally but also trying to learn more about your child’s specific needs (for both of you) is likely going to be a good starting point, as it should help you to work out what isn’t working for her in certain environments. There will be support services you can reach out to at your local authority, and there are also plenty of courses available online; I’m sure if you reach out to SEND parents in your area they can signpost you because exact structures do vary somewhat depending on where you live. Additionally if you have funds, you may find it beneficial to consider an independent sensory OT and/or SALT assessment for your child depending on the specific presenting difficulties (I say independent because unfortunately even with a very high level of need it is typically very hard to access these any other way, unless you live in an exceptionally good area).

I have one with ASD and they couldn’t have copied at that age with being away from me for so long.

It sounds as though the stomach pains are caused by anxiety. You need to start listening to her more OP.

Not going to her DF’s for so long doesn’t mean she never sees him or builds relationships with his family and your DGP’s needs don’t trump her needs either, nor does your desire to have childfree time with your DP.

If your DGP don’t already have attendance allowance you could look into applying for that and they could then spend that money on having a cleaner.

This isn’t separation anxiety, it’s just plain old anxiety. I’m guessing she spends most of your time at school and it sounds like you probably don’t have much proper quality time together. Then she’s sent off to her dad’s for her only days off in the week and is stuck with people who don’t seem to want her around. This is a horrible set up for her. I’d change your arrangements. Much less weekend time with dad. Have him do shorter visits during the week. Keep her home on weekends so she can relax and decompress. I don’t think this has anything to do with being ND. This arrangement would be difficult for most children unless they had a close nurturing relationship with their other parent. No loving nurturing parent is going to dump their child back on someone else in the middle of the night because they’re fed up with dealing with them feeling unwell.

She doesn’t have any weekends with you? Sun to Wed is the easier shift and not much quality time aside from school holidays. Appreciate you like to have me time and quality time with your partner but you have a young child suffering and the adults should be making the sacrifices to meet her needs which she’s communicating, not the other way round or adults deciding what’s best for her when it clearly isn’t.

This is a tricky one as you want to listen to her but of course it's not the right answer for her not to see her dad.

Could you re-think the timing of contact? So you swap over more often and she's only away from you for one or two nights at a time rather than three? You could try involving her in the conversation and work out a pattern that suits her better.

So your daughter gets no time with you at weekends?
look into that. She’s crying out for more time with you in the only way she knows how.

Thank you all for your advice, some has been really helpful abd I have made notes, thank you!! some I found a little rude. Just to clear a few things up..

I get a lot of quality time with my daughter we spend every evening together after school Mon, Tues, Weds, all day on a Sunday. She is often dropped off before midday as we go out for the day. We have school holidays together as until recently I worked in a school as was off at the same time. We go on a lot of days out together and I really don’t think quality time is an issue.
I understand people think she is away from me all weekend but it was set up this way to suit us. Her dad often works away and it is usually at the beggining of the week. So we agreed in these days so he could have quality time on Saturday when not at work, and I could have quality time on a Sunday. Friday she is at school. I do wonder if people would say the same about dad if the schedule was the other way around or if dad would be praised 🤔

Handover is on a Thursday morning. Dad picks her up from my house and takes her to school.

Regarding the stomach pain. Every day she is fine all day with no murmur of any tummy pain until right before bed time. Its hard to know if she uses it soley as an excuse to come home and/or having physical symptoms of anxiety. She has mentioned it before to get out of going to places with me, to come home from dads, to have a hot water bottle at bed time (which we both give to her anyway) even though she has been fine all day and evening.