MIL annoying me

[ek1518]

A rant really . Sorry. I’ve always found my mother in law extremely annoying. Things like getting my husband to pay the tax man for her when she and FIl ran out of funds and then pretending it never happened only a few years later, trying to gang up against me with my children, inviting herself to the swimming pools of people she knows etc etc l. She recently asked me is she can start writing letters to my elder DD (10) she’s very needy and does things like pretend to cry when a family holiday is over. So far she has been writing nearly every week which slightly creeps me out. My daughter just doesn’t have the time to reply nor has she ever said she wants to reply or write to her (11+ and numerous extracurricular and a busy life with lots of friends etc ) Of course she will always send thank you letters for xmas and bday presents and we see her a lot. It feels too needy and having overheard her trying to gang up witt my girls against me and slate my family to them i just feel nervous about what she might be writing. (of course i haven’t read the letters) Any advice please ? i will probably talk to DH but he gets very sensitive about this and can’t bear any criticism of her, and is also v busy with work and when i’ve spoken to him about her in the past he has got really knocked off course although he does understand her failings. Also DD has got 11+ starting in 10 days so don’t want to do anything to rock the family boat, so to speak. Sorry for ranting but thanks v much for reading x

If MIL has form for badmouthing you to your DC, I'd be asking my DD what's in the letters. She can tell you without you reading them.

im going to use the MN adage you have a husband problem
he can’t bear any criticisms of her?!
well she is a human with flaws like everyone
she sounds super aggravating and manipulative
let your DD do her exams and then tackle it
but your DH has to be side by side with you

I’d definitely be reading them!

Sorry but I'd be reading the letters too. Your DD is a minor and you have a duty to protect her.

I would read the letters before your dd sees them. Your mil sounds awful.

Read the letters. And stop it anyway, she has 11+ to focus on.

In that scenario i would be reading the letters tbh. You dont know what seeds she could be planting in DDs head.

And you have a DH problem.

100% read the letters and tell her she does not need to reply.

It’s your job to know what’s in those letters and to ensure that they’re appropriate! Stop giving her power to manipulate your family.

Thanks so much for your wise words ladies and for taking the time to read my rant! i am honestly very grateful as when i saw yesterday she’d sent her yet another letter I did feel quite annoyed!! Your responses are all really appreciated. We will get through 11+ and then I’ll tackle it!

I think even if I didn't read the letters (and I would) I would ask her to stop sending them if DD wasn't going to reply. I think its really odd for an adult to bombard a child with letters they don't want to respond to

I feel dreadful reading this because I am that grandmother. I love writing letters and keep in contact with friends all over the world. I wrote frequently to my dgc who live abroad. Dgs probably never opened them but dgd replied sometimes when she could find a post office and had enough pocket money for stamps but often just said in an email that she had received one. I bought pretty stamps and hoped I was writing amusingly about every day life. Their parents always knew and presumably could read whatever was sent. I’ve just had an email this morning saying she hasn’t had a letter from me although I had emailed that one was sent. She has told me that she has a file with plastic pages in which to keep them. Last week she had asked me to send her my favourite poem as she didn’t know any English ones and has just sent me one in her language. Surely this can’t be all bad OP? We also have a family what’s app so the conversations are open . I must admit I’ve sent good luck cards before exams so maybe this is what ops mil has sent.

Is it that bad? She asked before sending. I would just read them if you are that concerned, tell MiL it’s a lovely idea but that she won’t get any where near as many replies as the letters she sends and leave it. The novelty will probably wear off. What does your DD think?

I think that sounds lovely and kind especially as they’re overseas so you probably don’t see them as often as we see my ILs. My concern is really that my MIL is quite subtle about it but constantly tries to undermine me and my own family in front of my children and is just quite manipulative and mean in other ways. Of course i’m not the type to cut her out of my life or my children’s - they see a lot of her, but i just thought the letters thing a bit off as it seems a bit secretive? (DD has a godmother who sends her lots of postcards but somehow a postcard from somewhere you’re visiting feels a bit less intense than a letter) MIL is also good at playing favourites (has never sent my other DC a letter) and from the minute she was born she sort of latched on to DD1 as a sort of “best friend” which was all a bit cringe. But thanks so much for your message and it sounds like your grandchildren are lucky to have you!

That's lovely! Wish my kids had that (not complaining about the grandparents, but it sounds sweet). And OP, you say she's controlling, but she asked, if she was that controlling surely she wouldn't?

I'd let mil know you read the letters.
Your mil is her dgd not her bestie.

I had issues with my dm favouring dd over my ds's.