Was I expected to be friendlier?

[Shoutingout345]

I am autistic and struggle with social cues and I’m also not very maternal. I am in a fairly new relationship and met my boyfriend’s friends a couple of times. Last night I met my bfs friends two children who are both 4 and 5 and lovely.

One of the children started hugging my leg and I gave him a pat on the back. He looked like he wanted me to pick him up but I have only just met them and don’t know the parents that well and felt like it would be rude.

My bf said afterwards that I should’ve picked the child up. This is all quite new to me I’m not usually around a lot of children. Does it depend on the parent or is there some sort of rule I should be following?

There's no well defined social rule about this.

I also wouldn't have picked up a child I had only just met for the first time, and I am a mother and around children a lot.

4 or 5 is quite old to just pick up I would have thought (especially if you only just met them)

I don’t know many people who would pick up a child that age just because they hugged their leg. You acknowledge his hug and reciprocated with a pat so I think that is fine. It’s possible if you had picked them up parents may have felt this was over stepping a boundary which would be more uncomfortable to deal with.

I am a mum of 3, and wouldn't have picked up a child without asking (in this case I wouldn't ask- might ask if it seemed like the child needed to be held for some reason).

If a child hugged my leg, I would get down on the floor and start playing with him. I like to be the same height as the child I am interacting with, which often means sitting or squatting on the floor.

I don't think you did anything wrong though!

Also you are not obligated to have physical contact with any child if you don’t want it. Your boundaries of what you feel comfortable with are perfectly valid. It is an odd thing for your boyfriend to nit pick over why does he even care?

I wouldn't pick up a child i had just met, I might have said hi or bent down to speak to them, i used to work with under 5s, but you didn't do anything wrong if it happens again then just do the same thing. Or say Hi and then say where is your mummy/daddy. Also tell your boyfriend you are not comfortable in those situations and didn't want to pick up a child you didn't know.

I also would not have picked up the child, I think it's odd that your bf thought you should, maybe he isn't used to being around children either.
Personally I would have bent down to say a few words to the child, and the pat on the back is perfectly acceptable too. x

What an odd thing for him to say.

Why should you pick up a strangers child? Would you be expected to do so if you owned a penis?

I'd say I don't even know how to safely lift children and wouldn't want to drop them. That I don't know them and even if I did it's not my duty to lift them or physically move them?

No, you don’t usually pick up kids you’ve just met. Your boyfriend is weird!

I wouldn’t pick up a child I’d just met.
(parent of two)

I am a mum and a teacher and I wouldn’t be picking up other people’s children! Especially not ones I barely know, who are 4/5!

Your boyfriend is the odd one here

I would not have picked up a child I just met. I might go down to eye level with them and chat or else patted them on the back like you did.

To be honest I would not have picked up a 4 year old I know if I can avoid it. They heavy and I value my back.

Strange to me that a 4 or 5 year old would be trying to be picked up by someone they'd just met. Or even that they'd grab their legs, to be honest.

Your boyfriend's expectations are unreasonable and I wonder what the background is with these children and whether they have attachment issues.

I’m not maternal either, I wouldn’t have picked him up.

A pat on the back sounds a bit cold but I wouldn't want to pick up a child I had only just met or, indeed, any child other than my own. I'm not big on close physical interaction. I think in your situation, I would have got down to the child's level and engaged them in some play. Perhaps that is what your dp meant?