How to parent a 4 year old’s outbursts

[BioMommy]

I need some advice. My DD (just started school) is 4 and I’m really struggling with some outbursts. She’s funny, kind, caring but so headstrong, and I’m not sure in a good way.
As an example, this evening were getting present and card ready for a party at the weekend. Obviously she wants to help, but won’t listen when I am trying to show her how to do things, such as use the sellotape dispenser ‘I’ll do it my own way’. Then as we are writing the card, I’d left her a big space to write her name at the bottom, but she wanted to write it up at the top. I fully get how insignificant this might seem, but, as I’m trying to tell her how we write cards she just loses it. Screaming and crying she’s going to do it her way. At this point I’ve had enough, there’s been iterations of this throughout the day so I didn’t handle it well, and raised my voice.
These sorts of things are happening everyday and honestly I sometimes feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I’m constantly at the edge of my patience as I know something will kick off at some point. Even when I try to diffuse it, the diffusion will lead to an outburst. So, she has these letter writing practice sheets to do for school, which she gets so excited to do. They are double sided, she always gets frustrated during the second side (and will not take advice about letter shaping, she’s going to do it her own way) so I said we would do one side in the evening and the other side the next day. That led to a minor outburst because she wanted to do both sides. She actually relented, but this is just exemplifying the avoiding or diffusing causes problems itself.
For context I’m a solo Mom, so no partner to bounce off or tag team. I also work full time.
What do I do? I’m genuinely at a loss as to how to parent in this situation. It’s exhausting and I’m sure I’m making her anxious with how I respond when I am overwhelmed by her behaviour.

I understand why you want to teach her the conventions but, for now, let her do it her way. No-one cares where a 4 yr old writes her name on a birthday card and as for the writing pracctice, why not let her do as much as she wants to do at the 1st session and finish it next time?
I know that in your eyes there is a correct way to do things but at her age it's more important that she does them, preferably with neither of you getting upset. She isn't wise enough yet to change her approach but you are, so I'm afraid that its your job to.lighten up and set you both up for success.

Absolutely, I can see what you are saying, and I probably should have lightened up about the card. I do fully understand it’s not that deep. This is a genuine question, how long do you let them do it ‘their way’?
The worksheets thing, she will not stop until it is done, and scream and become frustrated along the way, and I wanted to avoid it becoming a bad experience for her, but either way, it does, even though she desperately wants to do them.
I’m just so unsure on the right thing to do for her, and don’t really have that many people to ask.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

That walking on eggshells feeling sounds so familiar, even though ours is three and not at school yet. The "I'll do it my own way" stage is constant at our house too, especially when he is tired after a busy day.

What has helped us a bit is giving him a proper choice inside the thing, rather than an open choice about whether to do it. So with the card it might be "do you want to write your name at the top in blue or at the bottom in red?" He still gets to decide something, but it stops being a battle about the whole job. Same with the worksheets, we do one side and then he picks a sticker or a book for after, so stopping feels like his win too.

I would not worry too much about the odd raised voice either. We all lose it sometimes, and repairing it afterwards matters more than being calm every time. A quick "sorry I shouted, I was frustrated, not angry with you" has helped us a lot.

You are doing a lot on your own while working full time, so it makes sense you are running on empty by the evening. The fact you are thinking this carefully about how she feels says a lot.