The other night my husband was trying to do 5yo daughter's bedtime routine.
She was reluctant to go upstairs, and I could hear him getting verbally angry with her as she was refusing to go to the toilet/brush her teeth.
He was getting annoyed and raising his voice to the extent that he needed to take some space to calm down, which he did independently come downstairs to do.I felt abit irritable with her and with him, as i often do when I hear her and him or her sister and him arguing.
I then went upstairs to sort some washing out, and whilst doing so heard DD was still in the bathroom having a tantrum shouting 'you don't love me' repeatedly (which she does sometimes when she is told off and has also said to her sister when they argue) and she was also banging on the door (wasn't sure if this was kicking or pummelling it with her fists). She does this when angry to try and draw us in as she knows we can't ignore it.I get wound up with the house not being respected as it's a nice home that i try to keep well, plus we rent, and don't want the cost of having to replace a door because she has damaged it.
So I was feeling more and more irritable because she wouldn't stop, and wheras i know i should probabably have just stayed away or gone and tried to calm her down, I then saw red and stormed out the bedroom and pushed the bathroom door open quite forcefully (which bashed into her) and quickly and shouted at her 'stop banging the door!' I didn't know for sure she was right near the door but I would be lying if I said i didn't know it was a possibility she could be.
Shamefully, in that moment due to the anger, I didn't really think or care about the door hurting her..... my focus was just on wanting to make her stop banging and to listen.
When I pushed the door open she was apparently (she told me after) sitting behind it with her feet up kicking the door.The force of the door opening had pushed her backwards into the side of the bath.
She began crying (mostly by the shock of it i think but also because she said it hurt) and having began to walk away after shouting and opening the door, on hearing her cry i quickly returned to her, and losing any anger apologised profusely and comforted her by holding her tightly and stroking her hair.She sobbed inconsolably for a quite awhile after (several minutes).No injuries occured, i told her mummy should not have pushed the door like that and would be more careful next time, and by the next morning she seemed fine, but I still feel awful and like I crossed a line, because I know i was angry with her which resulted indirectly in her being hurt and upset, and so it feels asif i've been quite physically abusive to be honest, rather than just an innocent accident like when i trapped her finger in the car door afew weeks ago.
Me and DH have always sworn we would never smack our kids (as we were ourselves and realise it is not okay) and never have....I have shouted at DD plenty of times; been quite physically abrupt lifting her, getting her dressed etc when cross, but nothing like this.Also, I feel bad because whilst I feel very guilty and shocked at myself I haven't felt much other emotion, even when comforting her after, wheras once my eldest daughter wouldn't wash her hands awhile back and I pushed them under the tap abit forcefully I felt mortified with myself and cried for ages.I worry it means i don't care about my younger daughter as much or have as close bond or something :-/ even though I love her so much in general and we have lots of positive interactions.
Regarding help for my anger, I have tried alot over the years...hormonal contraceptives, antidepressants, private counselling and CBT (after the sink incident with eldest DD) aswell as alot of various parenting books and courses.
I know what i SHOULD be doing but I feel so overwhelmed and like i can't think straight in the hard moments, and admittedly also like I want to punish the kids to make them feel bad fpr misbehaving rather than be nice to them, so all the techniques go out the window.
I am trying to look at how I respond to my anger and their behaviour in a more rational and planned way, because I really know it's not okay and needs to change.
Any tips and experiences are welcomed.
And I don't expect people to minimise or gloss over what happened, I am aware it was really bad parenting so prepared to be told as much.
Thankyou.