I have been co-parenting for five years. I say co-parenting, but I do 90% of the childcare and have done so ever since my ex walked out when our daughter was a year old.
To give an idea of what life looks like:
- I pay for and organise all childcare.
- I organise all hospital and medical appointments.
- I organised her getting into the local primary school.
- I take her to 90% of birthday parties.
- I take her on holidays.
- I have her 5–6 nights a week. He just puts in the calendar when he does and doesn’t want to have her, expecting me to adapt around him.
- He never asks how I will cope—for example, this half term he hasn't checked in on plans or help once, but simply demands to have her two nights in a row when it suits him.
- I try to include my ex in everything; he says no.
- I organise and pay for all her birthday parties.
10. I organise and pay for all extra-curricular activities.
My ex was coercive and became an alcoholic during our daughter’s first year. Over the years, he has pushed boundary after boundary. Whatever I do is wrong. He is a part-time dad who never says thank you or acknowledges how hard I work to give our daughter a nice life. In fact, he laughs in my face and accuses me of having my parents pay for everything, which they don't.
He has introduced partners to my daughter without telling me, yet previously insisted he would want to meet any partners before they were introduced to her. When I remind him of this, he laughs in my face and says I'm mental and need help. He refuses to take our daughter to birthday parties and contributes nothing financially to extras like physio appointments, but is constantly texting me abuse if I ever dare to disagree or push back on anything. Because of the constant abuse, I usually just end up going along with what he says.
The micro-policing is suffocating. Once, I referred to our daughter as "my daughter" once, and he texted to say I must never do that again. Another time, I used our daughter’s first initial when responding to a query on a school WhatsApp group, and he messaged demanding to know why I had done that.
Today was a breaking point. I had to take our daughter to a physio appointment (which I organised and paid for, while keeping him updated), and then dropped her off at his house. Later that evening, knowing how stressed I have been lately, he called me up specifically to say he wanted to take our daughter away on holiday with his new partner.
I said that was fine on the condition I could meet his partner one-on-one beforehand. He said no, we must all meet together with our daughter. I said I didn't want to do that and just wanted a one-on-one meeting first. He laughed in my face.
When I got angry and challenged why he was calling me up with this when he knows I'm already overwhelmed, he accused me of losing my mind, called me mental, and told me he was recording the whole conversation.
To be completely honest, I did lose my shit at him. I couldn't keep it in anymore after years of relentless pressure. I am trapped in an abusive relationship, and no matter what I try, I feel like I can never stop it or make him see sense. He is so horrible and threatening, and he constantly turns things around on me until I’m forced to question everything I do, every decision I make, and even who I am as a person. I am not perfect, but I have given up so much to make sure my daughter has a good life, and he makes me feel so bad for everything.
I spoke to a therapist who confirmed his behavior is controlling and abusive. But the mental turmoil over the years has made no sense of my boundaries and made me doubt myself so much. My mental health is on the floor and I feel like nobody listens or understands. I genuinely feel so low right now that I'm on the brink and wondering what the point is. I don't want him calling or texting me ever again.
How on earth do I escape this abuse and set hard boundaries when I have to co-parent with someone like this? Has anyone been through something similar and come out the other side? I am so exhausted and really can’t continue anymore like this mentally.