My 17 year old daughter with ADHD

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My youngest daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD( even though it’s on the lower end of the scale) and depression. She’s impossible to wake up in the mornings and when she’s rushed, she has a complete meltdown ending in tears.
She was brought home this morning by her driving instructor as she was 15 minutes late for her 10 am lesson and was obviously very emotional (she’s worse on her period).
She takes a low dose of Sertraline but she just doesn’t have any get up and go.
can anyone else relate?
please don’t post if ADHD issues aren’t your topic of conversation, thank you

Has she tried medication for adhd? Is she managing to get enough sleep. It can be tricky for people with adhd, especially teenagers to fall asleep.

She probably would benefit from stimulant medication, and possibly also melatonin taken at around 8/9pm. A lot of people with ADHD have an extreme late chronotype, when this is combined with the adolescent hormone-shift to a later chronotype (as well as being on their phones until god knows when, sleeping in at the weekend and having trained their brains that "alarm" means "hit snooze 10000 times and go back to sleep") it turns them into complete zombies until about 10-11am.

I know because I was/am one but I also have an 18yo male variety of this species. You could light a literal bomb under him and he would not get up. You can have a whole conversation with him and he is still asleep. I have taken him to the doctor, who just gave advice about routine, which he claimed to think was a good idea but has only followed with the most backwards interpretation. I have tried to explain about the snoozing being counterproductive and he nods, but it doesn't go in. I can't even really complain that much because I had the exact same issue. I sympathise with them, it seems utterly mad that secondary schools start so early, although I appreciate not all teens have this extreme a version of the issue.

My experience is that ADHD and depression often go hand in hand. The difficulties that people with ADHD experience in just organising themselves, sticking to a schedule and dealing with daily life admin means that many of them have really low self-esteem, as they can see life as a series of challenges they have failed at. This becomes more apparent as they get older and are expected to be independent, and school work becomes more pressurised, and they often feel they are falling behind their peers in all sorts of ways.
One of my DC was diagnosed at 24, after struggling with A levels and dropping out of uni ( twice), although he is academically very bright. He was finally diagnosed and given medication for ADHD a few months ago, and it has made such a huge difference. If your DD does not get medication, it really is worth looking into. Setraline is for the depression, but check out the meds for ADHD.
DS found ( and was told to do this by the doctor) that if he set an alarm to wake up an hour before he needed to get up, took the meds and then went back to sleep for an hour, he would find getting up much easier, and that worked. It has taken the pressure off mornings.

Thank you for your responses. DD has tried 2 different medicines for ADHD but she hated how they made her feel - more hyperactive and anxious so she only takes the Sertraline. I just want her to be happy. It’s so difficult to see her being emotional when she’s stressed as I just want her to enjoy life. Kids should at this age right? Any other ways I can help is much appreciated

I relate OP. 16 year old DS is the same. ADHD, mild ASD low level depression. He can't get out of bed, or organize himself in even the most minor ways so it all falls on me. I am at my wits end with it. I know it's a disability but so hard not to get frustrated with him and I am starting to get very depressed too.

DD was diagnosed at the same age as your DD, she’s now 21 and at uni. She’s combined ADHD and not medicated.
She was diagnosed as she wanted to understand why her brain seemed to work differently to others and once diagnosed we helped her understand her triggers while making sure she understood she also has accountability. She had a white board of what she needed to do each morning and ticked off for a silly prize (a sweet). She knew it was a silly prize but the daftness off it helped to take away some stress.
A SAD light and multiple alarms to get up helps. First one goes off and then she knows she has another 10 mins and then another 5 mins before having to get up.
She also used a rewards app during 6th form (can ask her the name) that motivated her.

Multiple alarms is a good idea. I feel it is up to us to sort them out and yes, it does take its toll on us too. I just worry about the future for her ie turning up to lectures at uni, getting to work on time etc, just life really. The white board is also a good idea. You’re right, it is about taking accountability for their actions. I just feel my DD doesn’t have any care for her actions re her future

Sometimes feeling overwhelmed can manifest itself as not engaging - it’s all just too much. I know ADHD can having a significant impact on people’s ability to manage their day to day life so am not saying my DDs experience is the same as anyone else’s… DD is fortunate that she’s found subjects that she’s absolutely passionate about and is doing very well at uni. For context, she didn’t do well at GCSE - it was all too much. She gets way more support at uni than she did at school which also helps.
The other thing to remember is that children/YA emotional maturity lags behind their years so they may need more support at an age you anticipate them being more independent.

This might also help:
https://www.additudemag.com/category/parenting-adhd-kids/teens-young-adults/

That should be children with ADHD are less emotionally mature…

Hi. 2 daughters with adhd, both now adults, here. My advice is to scaffold as much as you can for her and always plan ahead - driving lessons in the afternoon for example if getting up is an issue. Don't feel she has to learn through failure or make her as independent as other yp her age. I took my daughter to and from work for a few years when she first got a job as she couldn't manage public transport on top - our priority was the job. I can't tell you the hassle I got from other people about "pandering" to her, but it worked for us.

Has she tried adhd medication? I find that the meds help get me going in the morning, and I know friends find the same thing. Meds might also help with her emotional resilience, it’s helped my son loads.

My younger dd hs adhd and dyslexia, the latter caused more issues tbh because from young dd learned how to manage her neurodiversity, her dd being autistic bizarrely helped. From 12 she did a lot of sport and to this day runs most evenings for an hour to work her brain through her day and she says to relax (go figure) she has a very complex technical job so decompression is essential. Through the teen years she was doing up to 3 hours of exercise daily. She really lives up to the h component of ADHD! If I’m honest, I’m so similar to her, I hate sport though. Dd has a cork board, physical calendar and is crazy for lists, she also has bosses who know about her rights to reasonable adjustments etc thankfully, public sector is so much better in this area. Strict routine was what got her through, luckily she imposed it on herself as she’s very driven

When did she try the ADHD medications? DS1 first tried it at 15 and didn't get on with it but went back on it at 17 when A Levels were getting a bit much, although he took it so sporadically it was hard to say whether it helped, he did say that he felt it did. Sometimes it can help to revisit especially if it has been a while, particularly with puberty as hormones can change and settle and we know in particular girls' hormones can affect ADHD symptoms and medication a lot.

I think DS is taking it more regularly now, but TBH I am not 100% sure. I don't supervise him taking it (I know, I should) - both DS1 and I are absolutely bloody terrible with any kind of routine, can't stick to it to save our lives. The medication does help me to not be a complete mess with things like school pick up.

Interestingly DS2 who is 8 also takes ADHD medication but you could set a clock by him, his routine is law and none of us are allowed to break it. I do agree that ASD can impact here. We think DS2 also has ASD but the test was inconclusive when they did the assessment for both and they wanted to focus on the ADHD as the more pressing issue (which I agree). The doctor was telling me she sees with the AuDHD combo that the person often craves routine but struggles to stick to it, and she had always assumed that in ADHD it was a case of needing routine/structure but resisting it heavily but she had come to see that there are patients of hers with just ADHD where they couldn't care less about routine. I do feel like DS1 and I fit into that! I would probably have a non-24 hour sleep routine if I could. My favourite time ever was when any of the DC were newborn and I only ever had to think about an hour or two ahead at a time. So so peaceful to be free from clocks and calendars.

Is coaching/counselling an option? To help her establish routines, build resilience, form coping mechanisms.There are ND specialists for this kind of thing.
Privately if needs be.
I've paid for it as an adult and wish I'd had earlier intervention

ADHD can make mornings such a struggle, especially when there's pressure to get somewhere on time. It sounds like she's getting overwhelmed rather than deliberately being difficult. I think giving her a bit more time and trying to avoid the morning rush might help. Hopefully things get easier for her.

My DD also got diagnosed at 17, after years of masking and depression. She found that waking with a huge amount of time to get ready helped (2 or 3 hours, time to ‘zone out’). Also having all important items in the same spot on her desk. She also puts alarms on her phone so she knows how long she has before leaving the house (15min means she has time to get her shoes on and go to the loo before going). She is at university now, and seems to be coping ok.

I also got diagnosed myself a week ago. I would suggest getting a light therapy box for the early morning. According to AI up to 30% of people with ADHD can get SAD. I also get it myself, and find that I need extra stimulation and sun just to get out of bed and get my brain working.

It is worth a try to see if this helps.

How wierd! I bought a light therapy box today! I shall get DD to use it. Thank you Wishfulthinkingtoday.
I do try and get her out of bed with sufficient time, usually 1 hour and a half. She just can’t get out of bed. I check on her every 15 minutes, and she’s still sleeping until she has less than an hour left.
she has to do her makeup or else she won’t leave the house. I think she has body dysmorphia as she always thinks she looks bad. Is this a common ADHD trait?

Sounds like she may have a circadian rhythm disorder on top of the ADHD (or she may just be a teenager - I know many struggle getting up in the morning). Incidentally, many find the non-stimulant ADHD med Guanfacine to help with sleep. Could she try that? You might think about trying to get her assessed for a circadian rhythm disorder if not.

I think the makeup thing and thinking they look terrible is standard teenage girl TBH. Though ADHD can contribute to emotional dysregulation maybe making those feelings stronger? Are her friends supportive? I only have sons but IME of teenage girls there is a LOT of "I'm soooooo ugly" "No you're NOT you're sooo pretty, OMG I wish I looked like you!" and almost competitive "I'm the ugliest/fattest/worst" as well as "No stop, you are a queennnn" so I think whether it's an exaggeration or just a very normal phase to struggle with how you look, there is this acknowledgement that they all do it and attempts to boost each other and build each other up which can help, I think, but perhaps encourages playing into it a bit as well? Because part of it is sort of playing up a version of modesty, isn't it? Like they have the idea that they aren't supposed to feel that they are pretty or say it out loud, but it's OK to receive it from somebody else.

Then the other thing that can exacerbate it is social media use, especially if she's into snapchat or other things with filters, because it apparently creates this effect where you get so used to seeing the filtered version of yourself, that when you look in the mirror and see reality you like it less.

But the "I'm so ugly" "Shut up you are literally the prettiest ever" routine between teenage girls has been around a lot longer than social media.