SAHM am I doing enough?

[Mags1993]

I have two daughters, 12 months and 25 months. Due to the (surprise) age gap I decided to be a SAHM and I love spending time with them. I do my best to fill our days, we go out each morning either for a walk/park/playgroup but usually in the afternoons we are at home or in the garden as I find it hard to schedule their naps on the go sometimes. I have friends with kids but most of them are in nursery so we don’t have play dates during the week really. I see my parents once a week usually for the whole day. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not doing enough and that they are bored when we are at home. We have quite a small house but I do my best to provide activities for them. Sometimes I feel like they would have more fun in nursery. Is it just a normal ‘mum feeling’ to feel like you’re not doing enough?

Yes completely normal. At one point, I began writing down everything we did so I could ‘prove’ I was doing enough. You are doing your best for your children, they will be happy just being with you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing great!

I think it's a normal feeling. I certainly feel that way! I should caveat that I'm not a SAHM, mine do go to nursery 3 days a week but on the two days I have them I definitely worry I'm not doing enough. Specifically, I worry that I'm not meeting both their needs adequately. Mine are 4 and 13 months so can't play together yet, the baby needs watched like a hawk so at home the 4yo misses out on my attention but then outings tend to be planned around the 4yo and I feel bad that baby is just along for the ride in the pram/carrier. So although not the exact same situation, I definitely relate to the fear of not doing enough! I think your balance sounds good, children need less than we think they do and it's hard to do activities when they are so little. They are loved and will love their time with you which is what matters!

I feel like this every day. It sounds like you do perfectly well and plenty for their ages. My son is nearly 3.5 and we often will do similar to you on our day off together - he does 4 days at nursery now but did 3 days for ages. As long as you make time in those afternoons to sit on the floor and play for a bit, they’re happy. We put too much pressure on ourselves and they definitely make it known if they’re not happy! Well, my son does anyway 😅

It sounds brilliant op. What do you imagine happens at nursery? It certainly won’t be as wonderful as spending time with mum and sibling.

Also boredom is quite good for small children. It teaches them to become independent, curious and resourceful because they will find things to do. Whether that is tipping out the contents of your sock cupboard or trying to crawl headfirst off the sofa. Children don’t need huge amounts of complex stimulation - they thrive on being with their primary caregiver and even the things we consider mundane can be fascinating.

Sounds fine! I hope you are married Ofc

Your schedule sounds very refreshing - how lovely - it’s perfect - lovely pace more should aspire to

(there is a parenting expect on you tube who debunks that kids need nursery and why - we’ve just convinced ourselves they do because it’s convenient is her view and she explains it well)

Yes, while I used nurseries, it's only recently that most people do, and kids thrived for generations with their mum-many more of us would like to do this-not in any way being snidely, I'm glad you can, and hope that one day there's longer parental leave so most people can.

Your routine sounds lovely, a busier morning works really well paired with a quieter afternoon at home to facilitate that longer 1 nap after lunch. Little children gain so much from observing you and pottering about with you making conversation about your day. Spending unhurried time at home and in the garden provides such natural, rich learning opportunities. Rest and time to explore freely are vital, so try to trust that you are doing enough.

As yours get a little older and both can do and talk more, their shared play will develop beautifully. They will start to be able to self-select, for example, a game of pairs and play that themselves after you’ve taught it to them.

Do you ever go out for the full day? I have a bigger age gap, so admittedly only ever had one napping at a time, but we were definitely out for the bulk of the day. I found it mind numbing being home all afternoon and into the evening. So we’d get the train or drive to a nearby city and spend the whole day going to the park and having a picnic, going to the beach and stopping at a cafe. Or we had a membership to a children’s farm and we could spend most of the day there. They’d sleep in the car on the drive there and back so that sorted naps. If you don’t have those long afternoons at home, you might not feel so bored and like you aren’t doing enough. It gets you out of the house.

I do think nursery is great for them and it’s a lot of work to create that sort of experience at home, especially if you don’t have friends with children the same age. But only really once they’re 2-4. When they’re little, I don’t think it makes much difference as long as they have plenty of stimulation and interaction with you and other children.

I worked one day a week when my DDs were little. 3 year age gap, but our days were very similar to yours! Older DD did a couple of preschool mornings from 3, but that was it.

They are now 9 & 6 and wonderful children. Very happy just playing / doodling / reading for hours- I think some of this is because they were encouraged to make their own fun from an early age. On half term at the moment, and we have a couple of meets with friends, but will mainly be at home, in the garden and maybe some dog walks. They are very happy with this and so am I!

I’m a sahm and my last two children had exactly the same gap. My day sounded quite similar to yours except I had to do school runs too.
8.20- load everyone up and drop off at school
9-12 out. Playgroups, park, soft play, trip into town for a coffee and a look round anything really.
depending on how the morning went either lunch out then singing in the car to keep them awake or home and lunch.
nap time 12.30- 2.30
up, snack and drink then on the school run.
After school was a mix of either being at home or after school clubs for the older ones which the younger ones had to tag along to.
They did a couple of sessions at nursery from 2.5 years but they were just as happy being at home with me and siblings.

You dont need to engineer a nursery schedule within the home. And your children won't be bored, they are only just fresh in the world and everything is new to them.

You have developed a good rhythm to the day that involves going out on a morning, protecting a good nap and home activities. Make sure they have a rich learning environment with various things they can gravitate towards in each area of your home but just allow them to follow you through your day.

Your biggest benefit to them is the capacity to pay attention to them and talk to the them, and with them as their conversation improves, all day long. It's not rocket science.

I had a similar routine, whereby we had breakfast then a morning activity, lunch then a quieter afternoon with naps most days. But I think your morning activities are probably not stimulating enough. How often is playgroup? A walk I would class as a quiet activity.

at that age the weekly activities mine did included swimming, baby sign language and a music and movement class. We utlilsed playgroups and classes across the town. Rhyme time, messy play. The libraries and children’s centres all had programmes running.

The busier and more stimulated the toddlers were in the morning, the easier the afternoon.

I think a walk (change up the environments so they keep seeing new things), different parks and playgroups is fine. Better than fine. You don't want to be inside all day, what a missed opportunity.