How to know if a second child is the right choice?

[ShyCrow]

Both me and my partner are only children. My parents died years ago and only my mother-in-law is still around, but not in the greatest health. Our son is currently 16 months old.

I wanted two originally years ago, but then changed my mind and said I would only have one. I thought about the pros at the time; cheaper, easier to manage playgroups/household/spending quality 1 on 1 with my son etc.

Lately I have been feeling more broody. It hasn't helped that I went through my son's newborn clothes and photos recently to organize things, but even before that I was feeling this way. I try to shit these feelings off, however, it's difficult.

We ain't the active people. We don't spend money on expensive gadgets, go on expensive holidays and that. Partner said he's up for another one, but it's my choice, but I don't know.

I didn't have cousins growing up, so I don't know what that's like (my partner has cousins). One minute I think it would be good for my son to have a sibling, but then what if they don't get along? My oldest resents his sibling because he misses out on things?

If we did have another then I would want to wait too long. I'm 32yo and my partner is 35yo.

I know every family is different, but how do you know if having another child is the right decision?

I have a sister and while we are not in each other’s pockets, she would absolutely be there for me if the chips were down and I would her. She also adores my children and has been their legal guardian since they were born, despite never wanting her own. There is no-one I have trusted more if anything happened to my husband and me. Some people feel that way about their friends, but I don’t think I have.

We have also just been through our mum dying, it wasn’t pleasant but we have been together every step of the way and it would have been much worse without my sister around.

There are plenty of people who don’t get on with their siblings, so never guaranteed. My own children aren’t particularly close at the moment B/G twins in their early twenties. But I know they would be there for each other if they were needed.

Just my experience x

You don't have a sibling to benefit your existing child. They may not get along, they may hate each other, etc. Even if they grow up to be close as adults, they will absolutely go through phases of bickering and it will drive you nuts. And of course a second child will take away resources from the first.

You have a second child because YOU want them. Only you know if you can cope.

Personally, it was only when my DS was 2.5 that I had the space to think of a second. There's a lot of research that suggests a 3-4 year age gap is easier on parents too.

16 months is still golden time, they're not quite able to terrorise the household like a 2 year old can. Enjoy it, make some time for yourself (I went on 3 childfree holidays between ages of 18 months and 26 months because he was finally sleeping through the night and happy to he with dad😂). Once you get a bit of time for yourself and recover a bit, reconsider.

I have two children, 2.5 years apart. They do get on well most of the time and I think they have both benefitted from having a sibling. We have too, especially when on holiday when they are most thrown together.

You mention that your parents died some time ago. Do you think you would have managed their deaths more easily if you had a sibling? I certainly found my sisters a great source of comfort when my parents died young, and my DH has become closer to his brother since losing his parents.

It's not so much the little things as the very big things that make having a sibling so good.

How did I know? My Mum hated being an only child (particularly as her parents got older and frailer but at least she had her cousins). I loved being one of four. DH's family are Catholic so all big families on his side. The thought of having an only child terrified me, we had DC2 just 18 months after DC1 and now we have 3DC. They are teens now, my eldest has just started University this year and the other two miss her so much. Siblings are your companions through life, nobody else is there for everything. When my MIL was dying her sister (also in her 80s) came from another continent to be with her. DH and his siblings were there as well but he said his aunt was such a calm presence for MIL but also for DH and his siblings. Who will do that for an only child of only children? As it stand your DS will have no siblings and no first cousins, when you die he'll be all alone in this world with noone who remembers his childhood or you. Is your DH in touch with his cousins? Will DS know his second cousins? Poor boy.

I don’t think you can know other than it feels right for your family?
Objectively having no children would be better for the environment, less responsibility and less time and other pressures on you, and you’d have more money.
but obviously there’s so many benefits to having one too?

second is the same again really.

personally I wouldn’t want my child to have no aunts or uncles, no cousins AND no siblings. I think most people dislike being an only child as they get older, but you don’t so maybe they’d be fine.

how do you know if having another child is the right decision? No one can know.

You don't really know. You make the best decision and go with it.

What really made the decision for us is when FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the first person DH called was his brother. When I needed to go to hospital the first person I called was my sister. And ultimately we wanted DD to have the opportunity for that type of relationship.

Both of our siblings are childfree by choice, so DD would have been the only member on both sides of our families of her generation which did influence the decision a bit too.

It took us 4 years to make that decision and in the end, both the FIL situation and a really fortunate work situation meant that we could afford it and wanted it at the same time. DD1 and 2 are 5 years 2 months apart and at the minute have a lovely relationship. We get the odd moan from DD1 about DD2 taking the attention but not much and she really does love her little sister.

I was 30 for DD1 and 35 for DD2 (35 and 40 for my DH) if age for you is a factor.

I know people say you don't have a second child to benefit your first one, but personally I don't understand this take.

I'm an only child and so is my partner. I don't have a child, and whilst I would like one, I've decided not to, as due to age they'd likely be an only child too and that isn't a situation I'd want to bring them in to.

I'm not saying a child with no siblings, cousins, aunties or uncles etc can't be happy, but I do think it is quite a challenging position to be in.