Struggling with 7 year old and transitions

[Coldcafeeveryday]

DD is about to turn 7 years old in the next few weeks and really struggles with transitions. She is a bit of a pickle sometimes in she is either absolutely perfect, the most lovely little girl or she is crying and getting upset/stressed/anxious/down/I don't know whats going on here.

She enjoys school, has lots of friends, is very active and is generally such a pleasure to be around. Her teachers have continuously said that she is helpful in class, always tries her hardest, is eager to learn etc. I get lots of compliments about DD and a lot of my DMs friends say that, "I've done a good job with her." Whatever that means, maybe she's polite and behaves well?

The problem is that this is the complete opposite of some of the ways she behaves in other situations. It's almost like she explodes with emotion and can't snap out of it. I used to think it was just an age thing because she has always been like this but since having DC2 I notice a remarkable difference in how she is still behaving at almost 7 years old and how DS who is 4 years old is able to deal with his emotions and move on from them relatively quickly. Of course DS gets upset and screams sometimes but I can comfort him or distract him and then he is able to refocus and move on. DD doesnt ever seem comforted by me and it's like her brain gets stuck in her discomfort and upset.

Some situations that can describe this are;

1. Every morning or in fact whenever we have to leave the house she automatically starts to moan and whine, she makes everything so difficult and will work herself up to the point of she will stamp her feet and thrash her arms about, not screaming but crying and like its the end of the world. I've always thought this was a sensory issue as socks, shoes and jackets have been a problem. I recently bought her seamless socks, forked out for clarks shoes and bought her a jacket that she was happy with. It got easier for a week or so but then reverted back to the behaviour. The problem is no longer uncomfortable clothes but infact it seems just uncomfortable in her head. I've tried asking her questions to get to the bottom of it but she just doesn't know. This happens most days getting ready for school (unless she is itching to go and then it's less so but still mildly uncomfortable say if she is waiting for other people to get ready and until we actually leave the house). On the walk to school, as soon as she sees a friend she likes she will snap out of it like nothing stressful has just happened. It is like 2 different kids. She will also stress about being late all the time (we have never been late for school) and asks every morning without fail, "why is no one around, are we going to be late?" And the answer is no other kids live on our street, we are on time and will not be late. She is never happy about this.

1. She really struggles when things she enjoys have to stop. I take her to swimming lessons and sometimes if DH is there he will let her go in the pool with him and DS for a little bit of fun before shower and home. If she doesn't get extra time ie because DS needs to come out/if DH isn't there/I've said no because she was crying and getting angry the week before about having to come out then she starts crying and can't cope. Today she went swimming with DH and DS (not a lesson), they were having a great time but when as soon as we started the 10 minute warning she started crying and just couldn't cope. It's even worse if we give no warning.

1. The above happens with parties, soft play, camping, basically anything that she is really enjoying and doesnt want to stop.

1. Often she will really struggle with her emotions, she is either happy as Larry or the whole world is awful and can't snap out of it. When this happens I've been trying to teach her to think positively and to be mindful of all the good things that have happened that day or things she can look forward to. More often than not this happens on the way to school and she won't snap out of it until she sees a friend she likes.

I really need help with this, I don't know how to handle it. I've tried being very stern and then letting her miss the next event because of her behaviour. I've tried being really gentle with her, lots of hugs and telling her I understand, everything will be ok. I've tried distraction. I don't know what else I've tried but nothing works.

She is very emotional, to the point of I can find it inwardly very difficult and stressful. When she is like this, it feels like a vortex for any mental strength and patience I have. It is soooo draining.

I have thought that there may be something else going on with her but it's hard to tell if this is normal behaviour for an almost 7 year old because like I said, a lot of the time she is a really great kid and I do enjoy spending time with her, I love her so much. I have repeatedly asked her teachers but they just say, "oh no she is a pleasure to have in the class, no concerns etc." So maybe it's me just not coping with her?

Please can someone help me to help her? I do believe she is a good kid, I don't believe she is doing this to be bad or attention seeking and like I said I have tried a number of different approaches to this, both stern and gentle. Can anyone suggest and practical things to try to help with these transitional situations?

I meant to say that transition to bedtime was always very difficult as well. Since she has learned to read, I bought her little light to clip onto her book and she is allowed to stay up a little later to read. Before this, she would almost have tantrums whenever it was time yo start the bedtime routine. She struggles to switch off and is very high energy but this one thing has helped a lot.

The detail that stood out was her asking every morning whether you'll be late when you never have been, which sounds less about lateness and more about not knowing what happens next. Once that stuck feeling takes hold, reassurance in the moment often doesn't land because the emotional brain has already taken over, whereas something visual beforehand, a simple countdown or a short script of what happens next and after that, gives her something concrete to hold onto rather than just words. The reading light you mentioned works on the same idea, really, giving her a known step rather than an abrupt stop. Worth trying something similar for the morning routine and leaving the house.

I can't think of anything to help with the morning though. I've tried teaching her about time and how that works - showing her when we need to brush our teeth, get our shoes on etc and when we leave and what time we will arive at school. The routine is always the same and we are quite orderly in the morning and usually not stresful until it'stime to actually get ready to leave. We have been doing the same routine since she started school 3 years ago. Do you have any suggestions for the morning transition?

Thanks for the extra detail. If the routine itself is calm and it only falls apart at the actual leaving point, it sounds less like she doesn't understand the time and more like the switch itself is the hard part.

A few things parents seem to find useful there. A warning a bit before, ten minutes and then five, so leaving never arrives suddenly even though she knows it's coming. A job for the doorway, like carrying the keys, pressing the lift button or choosing which way you walk, so there's something to do rather than just stopping. And keeping the last thing before shoes deliberately boring, because pulling away from a tablet or a game is much harder than pulling away from breakfast.

Some kids also do better when the routine ends with something small they look forward to on the way, a game you only play on the walk or a song in the car, so leaving has a next step she likes. If she's anxious about school itself, it tends to show up at exactly this moment, so it might be worth asking her, at a calm time, what she's thinking about when it's time to go.

I've tried giving her the countdown to leave, it's fine until the shoes need to go on. I've tried giving her a job but it doesnt distract her from her discomfort. She doesn't have a tablet, doesn't want to sit and watch TV, she'll maybe draw or something but never gets too engrossed in the morning that pulling her away from it is the problem. It's the physical act of getting ready to leave the house. This is what we're struggling with and where all my ideas as to what to do has run out.

As soon as we step out the door she immediately asks if we are late and then she will not be distracted by any games or chit chat or anything. She is upset and caught in her emotional discomfort until she sees a friend and by then we are half way to the school, if not in the playground.

It's something about stepping over the threshold that I can't seem to make easier for her. I am out of ideas.

It sounds like the discomfort sets in before the door even becomes relevant, which would explain why nothing after that point reaches her. One thing that sometimes helps is separating shoes from leaving, so she puts them on well before you actually go, with a proper gap in between rather than shoes then straight out the door. On the "are we late" question, answering it exactly the same way every time, like a little script, can turn it from something she needs fresh reassurance for into a routine whose ending she already knows. Given how much she holds together at school, the house may simply be where all that effort comes out.