How to not feel sad about only having 1 child

[Pinkpencils22]

I have 1 son who’s in yr 6 - being a mum is honestly my most favourite thing in the world. I don’t work and aren’t very career driven so being a mum is the most important thing in my life / day. I always assumed I’d have at least 1 more child, but I can’t have any more very easily (not with my eggs anyway - medical issues and I’m 43). I’m really close with my son and we spend loads of time together - I’m really lucky that he genuinely loves doing stuff with me and I do really appreciate how because he’s older how he’s really good / fun / easy company and I’m incredibly grateful that I did get the chance to have one child BUT I can’t help feeling so sad that those days of farm trips / playmobil / teddy bears picnics etc etc are over - it just feels so unfair that the thing I love doing most in the world and being able to experience a baby again / being a mum has been decided for me. Everyone says won’t it be nice to get time / energy back for myself as he gets older but I just don’t want that - all I want is for my days to be full of looking after children and baby sounds and playing with toys and going to soft play etc (and no - I don’t want to become a childminder etc - I was an early years teacher for years!!). I looked in to adoption but I’m not sure we’re right for it, surrogacy no for many reasons, egg donation is a possibility but medically maybe not possible for me to carry again. Our families are really tiny so my son doesn’t have cousins / I won’t have nieces or nephews that I can babysit and enjoy all those things with. Not sure what the point of this post is really (some other way to have a baby I haven’t thought of?! Some magical way I can come to terms with it?!) but it just feels like the years are slipping by and I’m just storing all his toys and bits (and feeling like a crazy lady thinking I can’t wait to play with these with grandchildren!) and I just feel so sad each day he gets a bit more grown up or each time a holiday goes by or when I look back at photos!

Awh OP it’s hard. Even people who have more than one child reach this stage eventually, grieving the end of childhood as you’ve known it.

Maybe focus on the fun things you can do with your son now that he’s getting older? Places you can go. Maybe have a hobby you can do together?

OP, I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, obviously, but you sound as if you want another baby to fill a hole in your own life — in your shoes I would grieve the child you wanted but couldn’t have, and retrain in something interesting. Your son will continue to need parenting for years to come, but the Playmobil days are over, and it’s best to acknowledge that, let yourself be sad about it, and move on.

If you have genuinely exhausted all other options then I think you are at a turning point in your life. You don’t have to be ambitious to do something outside of the house but I do think you need something else. Maybe it will never quite fill the gap that you feel but it will give you something to do/ think about.

To dwell so much on on your DS isn’t good for you and (as a parent of a teen) - you need to start thinking about the time when they become more distant and you aren’t the centre of their world anymore. It happens more quickly than you envisage and you are going to be in a much stronger mental position to deal with this if you already have more going on in your own life. That could be a job/ volunteering/ seeing friends more/ a new interest.

None of these things mean you are less present in his life now. This is for you and your future you.

It’s hard when they start pulling away but also completely natural- it’s the sign of a healthy child.

I loved the Lego/ playmobil years and am quite a sentimental person but now things have changed I am genuinely loving the freedom. I go to a choir and a bookclub, I see friends more and I go to the gym 3 or so times a week and my life is enriched by it.

I know it’s not what you want to hear and not how you feel right now but I think it’s important to think about you once you have accepted that you aren’t having another DC. It’s not what you wanted but acceptance is a big step forward so you can start to think about what’s next.

Enjoy the moments to the full while you have them. Count your blessings.
You may be lucky enough to get them again with GC.

Count yourself lucky you've been able to have one.

with a child in year 6 it sounds like you need to get a job

interesting - I am also mega sad about only having 1 child - but me missing out on teddy bear picnics etc was waaaaay down on the list of reasons.

I agree with PP it sounds as though you need some other purpose in your life - and to reframe what purpose looks like with a near teenager rather than a baby.

I think you’re either at a cross roads and it’s time to get back into a new career or have a look at fostering, there are so many children and different options these days

I forgot to add. I work full time and no one is saying you have to do that but my job has been a life line at times in my life when things have been tough. I don’t know where I’d be without it (as well as needing the money obviously) . You need something else in your life.
Look forwards not back.

I was considering making a thread like this earlier in the week. I had a major crisis like this when I was going through secondary infertility. My little girl had started school and I got upset seeing babies and toddlers because I couldn't bear the thought I would never get to do that again. Then I did get pregnant and had my little boy, and I'm very lucky and delighted that I do get to do it all again. But now he's 2 and I've got the same feelings starting to creep up! He really definitely is my last child, and he's growing up so fast I can't believe I will never have a baby in my life again. And before I know it I will never have a toddler again. It's all the same dread as before but I delayed it by 6 years, that's all! It's true you need something else in your life to keep you occupied, as everyone else on this thread says. I also will need to find something else in my life and I'm dreading that!

Hi op I am feeling the same at 40 with no partner, but in your shoes I would 100% try egg or embryo donation if carrying wasn’t healthy then fostering - you can experience the joy of little kids and also bring in income for your current family. You’d have to have eyes wide open as children can be traumatized. Or adoption for sure - I know a couple of families who have adopted the second child and it’s been lovely.

Fostering? They’ll be lucky to know you. You sound perfect for it.

Hi OP, I also have one primary aged child, I struggled with secondary infertility and I’m also the same age as you. I have friends and colleagues having babies and I too am feeling very sad/grieving for the family I hoped to have. I think age is a factor in this - before now I still had a glimmer of hope that I could have another (even though, medically, I couldn’t) but now at 43 I feel that door is closing irrespective of my fertility challenges - ie this is it, I will not be having another baby.

its tough, I do think some of the other posters are right in that you need to find something else to focus on, whatever that looks like for you. But I think that’s only part of the issue. You need to grieve and process the family you hoped you would have, the babies you so desperately wanted. I have no magical way to come to terms with it, I’m definitely not at that point myself yet. I’m thinking of a few counselling sessions, not something I’ve ever done before, just to try and work through my feelings and just the sadness that seems to sit inside when I think about what I’d hoped for my family.

Be kind to yourself OP, secondary infertility creates some very complex emotions and you shouldn’t assume those are things you can work through alone, or solve by getting a job or a new hobby.

I think if you feel that strongly that you would like to have another child, I’d fully explore the options you mentioned. You said egg donation might be a possibility, could you explore that further? If only so you know years down the line that you fully explored each option and won’t have regrets of could that have worked? Should I have tried that?